The month started off pretty shocking for me this time around. One of the new female friends I made randomly revealed a big secret to me. It rocked me pretty bad to hear her story as she randomly shared it with me for reasons unknown to her. She never really told anybody but she told me. It rocked me pretty bad, let me in tears. I had deep compassion on her and tried to counsel her in the memory of this tragic event. Sure enough though she freaked as it shocked her that I wasn’t disgust or judgmental toward her in knowing. It scared her and in fear and self consciousness she ran aka she abruptly told me to never talk to her again because I knew her secret. It was insane to see such a reaction in a effort to hide the truth. She blocked on facebook, didn’t answer her phone, even bolted off the site. I have been ditched before but this was on a whole other level and for entirely different reasons. I feared there was spiritual warfare amidst this, that as a result of what happened, a spirit may be binding her. Crazy right but it happens. I needed back up so I reached out to PD for her in prayer for her. I knew I met her for a reason, if not to at least pray against whatever spirit of fear that was binding her and keeping her hiding in darkness. It was a new and true test that only God can change the heart. I must pray.
Early in this month came a crazy Blizzard. I cant even tell you how high it was in the raw but to put it simply the snow level was past waste deep. Its like that. I never seen nothing like it. Total white out. It would have been so on point to go out in the middle of it and mess around but I totally didn’t have the clothes for it. When it finally settled, It was insane. People had to literally dig out their cars. I realized that day too I forgot to pay my rent. Of all the days to have to go out huh?! Lol. So I went out and stopped at the leasing office and marveled at the snow mountains all around. Fun times. On my way back, I just had to mess around just a little bit in there. So I found on of the biggest pile I could and did a running swanton into it. I had to swim just to get out. Awesome J After things were calming down after the storm, I finally had to go back to work. There one of my fellow co-workers suddenly asked me to pray for his dad who has frostbite in 7 of his finger tips and might have to have them cut off. It seemed mad serious and he was on the brink of tears. There was only a short couple day window for them to be saved. So I sent out the prayer request almost of all my peeps on my phone. The response was incredible. I had just realized how big of a Christian Prayer network I have. Its great. A couple days later, a miracle happens and his Dads fingers are saved, all but the thumb. 6 out of 7 aint bad when it looked like 0. Me and the others were so happy to hear but my happiness quickly turned to disappointment as I saw how my co-worker had went right back to his whatever attitude. He even spoke of how his dad was saying stuff like he didn’t care. They didn’t change even though God showed so much mercy. I started to think he left the thumb to get took off at least as a reminder to him of his mercy. The next day, he came up to me again, saying he truly believed in the power of the Lord. I didn’t believe him but he reported that it ended up being that all of his fingers where saved afterall. It was definitely a miracle. Still it was bittersweet to see them go back to being dirt even though the Lord did so much.
One day, a deep question hit me: Do you have a deep yearning for the Lord to where it makes you feel abnormal or different from those around you? I felt that way at times in how my love for God seems a lot of times. It just felt uncommon as others would seemingly look at me funny for caring so much. I wanted to ask others this so I sent out the question in a mass text to a bunch of Christian friends. After posing the question in text, my cousin, one of the people who got it, texted me back telling me to never text or e-mail her again. Shocked I tried to call her and find out why. Like usually she wouldnt answer the phone despite my many messages asking for peace. She was still distant about having told her it was not ok to be in a relationship with a non-believer a year ago. Seemed to be another case of the Anaconda vise. My mom called immediately afterwards. Ended up being that my cousin had been complaining to her instead of calling me to make peace and work through the issue. Like usual, my mom was clueless and continued with her trend of telling me I was the bad guy even though I did nothing wrong. Actually, I did exactly what she wanted me to do yet she was actually agreeing with my cousin to never talk to her again and leave it unresolved. This led to me and my mom getting into a big argument that ends with me hanging up on her. I was pissed at my cousin for being a child after I had tried for months pleading to make peace and talk. She texts me saying to never talk to her again and that she is not childish. She is a insane brat.
I finally come to the acceptance that she isn’t a Christian at all and never was as opposed to my wishful thinking. Funny cause that makes it so her getting married to the guy fine in the eyes of the Lord so there is nothing to object to. It sucks to be back in the position. Because of her ignorance Im back at odds with my mom and this time, I don’t care to fix stuff with my fam.
I had been reading that book, “I kissed Dating Goodbye” a lot. Good stuff that has challenged me a bit on my view of dating. In being in friend mode, I feel like I have finally been grounded and I have clarity on what to do. Suddenly I feel like I have clarity on how the dating process should work that is more solid as opposed to before. When the emotions were high, even the view I did have got shaky. Now I know how to follow thru. You have friend mode which you are just friend with no strings. Dating mode which is a short period of 3 or 4 dates; one solo, one with friends, and one with parents or spiritual mentors. After gathering info on whether they should go for way you make a decision. Then you can move to actually be in a relationship. In case of a long distance love scenario I came up with this thing called “super date”. Basically its where you take a weekend trip to the location your date is. Day one, you hang out with them solo then later in the day you chill with their friends and whatnot. Two dates in one day halfway. Then the next day, you go to church with them and run them through the wringer with the congregation, pastor or whoever. Ultimately you have a lunch after church with their parents or spiritual mentors and bam, you go home. A rather active and constructive weekend as If I do say so myself. Being in friend mode without the pressure and the distortion, I see clearly that I wouldn’t be able to develop anything more than friendship with most of my new connections. Whats crazy too is that if I look back I can see 4 months ago, I can see how the Lord was prepping me for this time. All the big brother stuff as well as the standard stuff was clearly for this season of which he has given me access to many women in need of a solid brother. Many where in locations where solid Christian men as examples where sparse if not weak theology. My help was needed and my prayers answered. I definitely need to and want to be in friend mode with any new girls I meet. I don’t even feel like I could sustain a real relationship right now with what on my plate to be real. I need at least a 1 to 2 month waiting period before I decide whether to pursue or not. These things take time and I need it. Overhearing some girls talk at work, lead me to realize how much Christians need to be pro active in making non Christian friends. They have no Godly influence which leads them to turn to foolish people for foolish advice. I have to step my be-friending game up. Lol
My boy Alan has had a conviction to fast from his computer for a month that he had been floating around for a while. Hearing his conviction challenged me to want to do the same. He had been on a roll lately in impacting me. After dealing with my situation with my cousin he says “Well I think God has given you the ability to teach. And teachers often have to ask tough questions. You may not like their response”. I was wowed. It really made me take a step back as it was true yet never really hit me. His words really brought to light the challenge I face. Crazy. I have been seeing in him a growing concern and desire to learn about discipleship. He too is getting prompted by the Lord that this needs to happen. We have been talking about it a lot at group. I recently had to debate him on how small group is not discipleship. Speaking of group, things have been improving there. I went on a service project with the guys from small group to a food pantry. I was surprised I was even off and available to be there. I was cool to be able to do and be able to bond with the group. Luke Waite was there too which was cool. I love messin with the Waite brothers. I woman started talking to me towards the end. Interestingly she was the most attractive one there. Just sayin. Lol.She asked why we were here. Taking advantage of the opportunity to find out what she was about I flipped it back on her. Come to find out that she was volunteering by herself to find purpose for her life. Interesting. She was seeking and it was a blatant witnessing opportunity that got laid out right in my lap. She said she was a recovering Catholic. She seemed very hopeful to see me again and continue to build. Because it came at the very end though, I didn’t have time to really build. I had not Gospel tracts and I felt awkward about asking for her number. I went for it anyways and asked if I could have her number to continue building. She wasn’t comfortable with that so I gave her mines. The rest of the day I was worried about whether I would here back from her ever. I felt like I bombed on explaining myself when I did the number part. I hope she does call someday though.
I have been over exhausting myself in my search on the website. I feel like I am searching for hope when I know in my heart that this is not the right time for me to be in a relationship nor is the Lord going to let it go down. Yet In my flesh, I keep pressing and its getting bad as I am wasting too much time on there. I have made some really good female friends but that’s as much as I am going to do and I am not even making that many as I would hope. It surprises me how many on there are fake or flak. Even the ones that seem mature are bogus in they wont respond to you unless you look a certain way or live in a certain place. Ironically, I am casting my net so wide and frequently on that site but I have a feeling Christ is going to come at the end of it after I am just about done and tell me to throw it over the other side and bam. Lol. I’m just tired and need to get some self control. That’s why this fast is such a good idea.
Once again the Lord has change my outlook/theology. I realized that though I had the mindset where I would date to marry I was too open in who I would allow myself to date and hence end up in marriage. I saw that too quickly based off little knowledge I would try to go out with a girl. Problem with that is I would essentially be trying to be in a relationship with the girl and do most of my recon work in that with all the benefit. That’s pretty bogus. Just in talking to some of the girls that I just been restricted to friendship with, there are things coming to light about them now after weeks of talking that I would halfway back away from them if I was trying to holla. I see that this has to change. I should even be willing to date a girl unless I believe for the most part she is a woman I would marry versus could. As soon as that mindset really hit the ground in my head, most of them women that I was open to dating suddenly became inapplicable. Even looking back on women I have dated, I saw some who would make for a good wife but we didn’t line up otherwise while other would make for a good casual date but not a wife. Being and staying friends was going to be hard. I was going to have to place up better boundaries if I was going to be able to maintain it. I was now in a place where I could put women in the friend zone, something I couldn’t do very well before. But also I was able to place myself in the friend zone willing to lie in wait and see if they were truly right for me. It seems like suicide to intentionally place myself in the friend zone but I believe the right girl will let me out.
I randomly got hit up by two women around the same time. One who I tried to message a month ago but just was finally getting back to me as she had all but gave up on the site and barely checked it. Another, was one who I winked at but didn’t message. Sure enough that didn’t stop her from coming after me in seeing how straight up my profile was. Talking to both, they both seemed really great and both seemed really in to me. This really put a lot of stress on me both emotionally and spiritually. The women before were into me but that they still were chill about it. The last woman was super to where there was a lot of emotions involved, which took a big hit on me last month. That was just one, now there is two and I didn’t know how to handle it. It’s a horrible feeling to feel like you are juggling more than one woman as a Christian man. I was scared/worried for my heart and theirs. I struggled to make new boundaries or at least reinforce my old ones with this new dilemma. Unfortunately a lot it had already taken its toll on me. I was truly drained and in confusion on who to pick like I had a choice in the matter in the first place. Going into to my time of fasting, I completely bombed as I was immediate under attack from Satan in my flesh. Everything just compounded to really bring me super low. It didn’t help that at the time, My accountability partners had also flaked out. I wanted to bum rush into a relationship to end all the turmoil or just run from everyone and everything to escape the pressure. On my way back from group one night, my boy Matt out of nowhere in seeing I was hurting said lets pray. I was shocked that he suggested as it would have usually been me but more so shocked in that I felt unable. I felt weak and worthless in that moment as he prayed for me and I felt helpless. Sure enough though, the Lord had not let me go and I was able to talk to some people and get a kick in the butt to rise above. I made sure the boundaries were enforced on both and made a declaration to stand on my morals and hold to my integrity to not pursue a relationship with anyone til at least a certain time of friendship. I wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship nor would I be the Godly man I portrayed myself to be if I didn’t stand strong. I had to honor these women, My Lord and my future wife and I wasn’t going to let Satan stop that.
In many ways I feel now is not the right time for me to be in a relationship period. At least though, this is a time where the building blocks can be laid. With all that has been happening, I must maintain my integrity if I am one day to find the one. I feel that clarity will come as to who that is if I can hold out in the friend zone. I don’t know how long I will be able to last in there with some of these women but… I believe he will give me strength to last long enough. As sure as I was thinking this though, the one woman who was seemed super into me picked up in intensity. She was straight forward and obviously an affectionate woman. I was really drawn in really bad I am weak to affectionate women as I myself as much that way myself. You feel like loved and appreciated much, something I don’t feel often and desire much. Affectionate people love to show that and love to receive it so it hard to control yourself when you get two together as they are super lovey dovey. I wrestled with my lustful draw to her. A primal desire came out of me and kept pulling me back to this woman like she was amazing when I really couldn’t tell. It was really just my flesh leading me and drawing me near as it knew she would feed its appetite. She made me feel distracted from God and my purity was in shambles. I kept failing as I kept succumbing to my flesh and saying things I shouldn’t have but she loved it and wanted it even though I said it wasn’t right. When I was away from her enough, my head got back into focus and I was able to see that her ways and everything about our connection went against everything the Lord was calling me to. She still tried to justify those desires with sweet comforting words and assurances. I knew it was wrong and I finally broke free and told her I couldn’t be around or with her. Unfortunately she was broken up about it but as I tried to plead with her about how things were wrong she justified her wrong actions. She was offended that I challenge her in that her overly affectionate attitude would lead men astray and was a danger to her and others. Indignant, she was repentant of her ways, showing she really was on that mess as she oked things that were not of the Lord. Some things may be good but at the wrong time, in the wrong amount it can be dangerous. She never learned this lesson.
I was broken over how things had went so wrong. I didn’t want to have anything to do with any woman yet the other girl I was talking to still bore with me in friendship. I was open with her about how I was feeling and she helped to keep my head towards the Lord. Building with her, It was weird. I really liked her and yet I didn’t feel distracted from the Lord in my attraction. I actually wanted to drawn near more. I felt a level of control I didn’t have with the other women. More and more in talking with her, she seemed to line up crazy style with not just what I desired in a Godly woman normally but needed for me personally. Yet my flesh fought against me again, making me question whether she was the right one as I always desired a tall women. I questioned whether getting with her was wise when I struggled with my affections for tall women so much. Was there a tall woman that would line up with me better that I could get the best of both? I felt like I was being mad carnal, which I was. I felt like my flesh was getting advantage of me as it was getting me to run away from that which was good to search for something to satisfy it instead. Talking to non Christian co-worker, they all told me to follow my flesh and hold out for the double whammy. Talking with Dan, he helped me to see that its not about that and gut checked me to help me to get my mind right. Praise the Lord. I felt in a better place as I had overcome that horrible mindset. She felt right so I decided to just go ahead with trying to ask her out.
Toward the end of the month, I was convicted at church to pray to have the ability to help others to understand God’s calling on their life and desire to live to their full potential, regardless of where they are in the love, passion, or understanding. It’s a dangerous prayer that has me both excited as I know the Lord will come through but afraid as in my flesh I am too lazy and don’t want the responsibility. I tried fasting from media for a week twice and failed as my flesh rose up against me. I was super under attack. I hadn’t had any accountability in a while so that made it worse as I had no back up. I was learning a lot and yet I felt under attack and bogged down. Time seemed to going so fast yet so slow in the last few months. Talking to these girls felt like weeks when it was only days. It has been insane how time has felt this year and I didn’t like it as all. Kinda like I was in the Hyperbaric Time Chamber on DBZ, go in for a day and it would feel like a year. Lol Even at that I feel like I have lost time. I feel off balance. The time I had before to play games, listen to sermons, read, etc seems all gone. I don’t even know what I am doing in a day to consume it like this. That’s why the fast was so important but Satan wasn’t havin it.
With each of those women, I felt like they were a test. In over coming each obstacle, I feel like I have more clarity than every before. It had been a emotional up and down two weeks towards the end. Same time though, in that time, I learned amazing things. My prayer requests for clarity came through as with the women, I had better discernment devoid of flesh to dictate direction. In the women I had already been talking to and the ones I just begun to, I had an immediate grasp on if things were possible and if they were able to easily let go. To prove it a 6ft tall girl local girl hit me up out of nowhere and I could have easily tried to holla but I saw right away she needed a brother, not the other. I just friended her and let go of the idea of anything more off rip. Crazy right. I feel stronger but still so weak in all the emotional drama that has occurred. I was off balance and I needed to gain it back. One thing is clear, the one girl feels right. Its no emotions, lust or anything clouding my mind… just peace in spirit like I never had before. I decided to actually ask her out on a date. Lets see how that goes. To be continued…
