The new year had begun!
And the villagers rejoice…. Hurray. Lol. This year, the word “favor” rung in my head as the title. While it should be a great word, it concerned me. What I had associated with the word favor over the years have changed to seem bad. Especially with PD’s prophetic words still haunting me I didn’t know how to take the way this might road. I was cautious. Knowing a prophetic may have really been given to me made me want to pray before making moves so that I make sure things didn’t wonk out at the wrong time. Just a day out of two out the gate, I talked to my boy about how he interceded with the guy I was talking to that night on New Years. He actually responded well as what I said gave him insight into something he never thought of. He had been coming at the guy from a technical/historical angle as that is what he is used too but the tech wasn’t what was binding him to Catholicism. It was the experience and he needed to meet him where he was. It was a interesting thing that he was experiencing spiritual stuff but it was getting filtered or piggy backed off of Catholic rituals. I was just like how I heard the Prosperity gospel got piggyback at my friends church back in Detroit that year or so ago. He was thinking that the spiritual stuff was special to the Catholic way when it was a restricted version of what a average Christian experience everyday all around. More and more I was intrigued in how man can be so easily deceived just by throwing them slightly off the right direction. Satan was cunning indeed. I was thankful to be able talk to my boy and he actually understands and be blessed by what I was able to share. Even more thankful for the new door of friendship the Lord had open, not to mention that the year didn’t start out with my sword konking out.
So, I did something crazy. I decide to finally mess with the online dating for the hell of it to check what my options were. I know, Im insane. I had been frontin on my brother let alone all the people I had been meeting that did it. I don’t know, for some reason I felt like I should try it now. I wanted to max my scope before I officially gave up or just took the nicest girl I could get locally. I got to be honest, I couldn’t let go of the hope that the big body believer of my dreams might exist. Lol. I joined 3 different sites with way different results. I quickly got annoyed at their various lackings of search options, control, and the fact you had to pay to connect. I finally settle into the one or two I thought best. I wasn’t really “all in” so I didn’t even try to make a profile really or put my picture. I was just scoping for what was available and considering if I wanted to pursue. Ended up seeing mad different women I knew but wouldn’t holla at for the life of me. Ha! I got sucked up into the search. I halfway started to want to connect with the girls be their brother and not try to holla. I told Brittany and she clowned me for it. Lol. Saying “That’s like going to Red Lobster and not eating nothing”. I love having her back around J. Many of the women I noticed were new to the faith, super immature in their faith, desperate single mom, divorcees, and non Christian party girls who just wanted a “nice guy”. They needed direction more than they needed a date. There were barely any legit Christian women with a seeming sense of direction or passion for Christ as many of the profile just list all their fun things they want out of guy and no word of Christ. There were some good ones though. Thankfully and unfortunately for me, one of the sites had criteria you can search for by height and body type. So I ended up doing a big body search randomly and was shocked to find my dream girls. Lol. After a while, I noticed that my flesh was taking over and I was just picking based off of who was cute and dateable. Not cool. I was convicted and decided to be serious about this instead of dinking around. I figure if I am going to do this, I might as well do it right. So I started working on a more legit profile which actually has actually made me really try to figure out my “hobbies & interests”. I was very straight forward and clear about the kind of woman I needed and it was made blunt and long. I knew it could act as a flesh filter of sorts to scare away any flaky women that just looked into me because I was cute. Hey… it happens. Lol. Now I was all set to see how this whole online dating thing would work out. I felt hopeful.
I want to lose weight really really bad but I don’t know how to. Especially in now trying to seek a bit on the site, I didn’t want to be carrying around this extra fluff I had accumulated from my depressing previous year. What is making things bad is that I feel like even if I change my diet I will essentially still not lose weight fast enough. I must say, doing the online boy aint helping with the feeling self conscious thing. I feel like its pointless to start if in the end I cant make weight in a reasonable amount of time. I know if I change my diet, that I will lose weight slowly but that’s not good enough for me. I know the only way to lose it quicker if to workout hardcore but I don’t feel like my body can or will hold out. I only did a half hour of P90x a couple days back and the next day my legs felt like lead. I cant have this be the case every time with working going on fulltime. I have no recovery time so it would kill me at work as I would be walking around in pain all the time on the inside. All it feels like is excuses to me but I keep faltering in resisting my flesh in eating and not working out. I really have to pray for change. I hope being in small group again for accountability will help.
It was great finally getting back to Small Group. The guys were happy to have me back and I was happy to finally be there again. The accountability and more straight forward bible study that I longed for I finally had. Being back in Small Group was great indeed! Alan talked me up to the group in how I helped him and made me feel made awkward. Its never easy getting praised for something you know the Lord did. All I end up doing is giving a “are you crazy?” look. Lol. I was actually getting accountability now which was great. One of the first things I knew I had to get on was staying away from pizza and ice cream. With them holding me accountable, I was actually keeping away from it which is the most I had done in the longest time. It had become such a habit to get Culvers and Pizza weekly. It sadden me to see that it had gotten so bad in frequency because of my depression. Exercise was going to be tough though and I could tell. I still needed to lock down a set schedule as the guys need something specific to hold me to for that. Even with no pizza and ice cream, I am still eating crap though in other ways as my flesh is adapting. So I need to fix that, especially with the lack of exercise. I finally know my weight now so now I got a point to work from and I can chart my progress. Good times.
I reached one of my old running buddies to find out how he was doing. I didn’t think there was going to be much as he had a rep for being always on point when it came to things of the Lord though he had his flaws. Come to find out that his year went exactly like mines. I was trippin. He is one who has the same spiritual gifting as me but definitely has a different background and lifestyle. It was trip hearing him expound how God worked him over and his responses as it was just like me but happening to a guy that I would never see it coming to. It seemed that the Lord was teaching him a similar lesson to prep him for the teaching ministry as well. In talking, it became clear to us that the Lord put us through this in order to help us know the depth what our gifting requires. We needed to know and understand the depths of our own sinfulness and God’s grace/love in light of that that we might be able to properly tarry those who needed to be taught. I realized how big the power was of our gift or a spiritual gift period to where it required this level of breakage from God to mold us to use it properly. God had given us a supernatural ability that our natural self could never handle. A powerful sword that in the hands of our natural self we would immediately use for wrong unless the Spirit put us in check. Shades of PD’s prophetic speech echoed in my mind. I was deeply encouraged as well as challenged as he was the flipside to the same coin. While his looks and life put him center stage to a outward look of successful, I was on the opposite end. Yet both of us suffered from the same weakness that played out differently in our social context, leaving us to feel alone and misunderstood. I am really starting to see a pattern with these Teacher types. Lol. Knowing the Lord was working in him too, I was hopefully for what the future held when we would be able to fight in all out warfare. Still, something he said frightened me and left me with a cold reality. That if we really knew the fight ahead we probably would opt out quickly. I thought to myself and knew it was true. If what we face now was just amateur hour with him just slowly working us with prelim stuff, then the raw war zone would be a nightmare. For years, we had been ready to say “put me in the game coach”, so eager, yet I can tell the level of drama, work, and most of all outright Satanic opposition is going to be far greater then we ever realized.
I had to work with the girl from the Christmas party. Interestingly I sparked up conversation with her. I ended up on the subject of what she was looking for in a man. I was curious to see what she would say. I had a theory I wanted to prove. Based off my experience with sites, it seemed that women had differing preferences when it came to looks and interests they wanted in men but they did want the same general traits in a man across the board. She picked exactly what I knew she would. I took the listing of traits and discovered that those traits by default lined up with a Godly man walking in biblical manhood. Interesting indeed. Another thing that was crazy I learned from the sites is that women in their flesh knew what they wanted but didn’t know what they needed spiritually much at all. Most had this huge list of what they liked worldly wise but in getting a guy that was all about that the more they were playing into Satan’s hands and not knowing it. So they would have a guy that would fulfill them in the world but lead them to death spiritually as he had no spiritual cred but willingness to attend church and say he loved God. Further talking with ole’ girl she showed that same lack of understanding. I ended up finding out way too much about her sex life. I cringed and wanted to run away from her in horror of her sinful ways, not because she was sinning though, just the way she talked about it like it was ok. I treaded carefully and talked ethics with her. I found that I have the ability to argue ethics really good without mentioning Jesus and that I can use “Inception” to plant concepts in their head without directly saying it. I am getting too crazy with this stuff. lol. She revealed a terrible story of the only guy she loved. He used her and abused the mess out of her. My heart ached for her. I wanted her to understand her worth so bad. To come to Christ and know she is loved. I tried giving her words of encouragement. I wish for her, like all women, I could help them to see their worth in Christ before they get railroaded by men. Same time in hearing her story, I was once again reminded of how easy it is to manipulate a woman to get what you wanted. That’s what made it so much of a temptation, it was easy. Me understanding what I do about the ways of man makes it even worse as I know I can get what I want if I wanted it. It scares me and makes me sick that I am capable of doing it. Not in the sense that I would do it but in sense of capable that I have that ability to be able to period. I hate myself for knowing what I would do if my flesh took over.
Met up with a friend and challenged him to step up in his walk. I was honest with him and told him how I see his life going and asked him how that settled with him. That there was more for him to do by embracing the roles God entrusted to all of us. Like stepping up to be more than a brother to his sisters but a spiritual brother as well. Helped him to understand that it wasn’t about trying to change himself but letting God do it. That if he changed his perspective on how he looked at things that he would naturally see opportunities and do thing different in the lifestyle he already is in. If he held the thought that he had to do it himself he would just look for things to do himself and if he didn’t have the time to do a major bible study or rearrange stuff in his life then he would just give up on change. I compared his need for adjustment to a guy who bowls being told by another to slightly adjust his wrist in a certain way when he rolls. That slight change leads to them being really good suddenly. In them being better at the game, they get more excited about it and naturally out of passion that has grown they make changes in their life in alignment with that. Like the bowler suddenly trying to build gear, work out in a certain way to be better at his toss, or even joining a league. Pretty good analogy if I say so myself. I told him to pray for himself for heart change. Listened to his issues with his girl and mom again and realized that mom might be struggling from the Anaconda vise. I told him the solution which I knew would be hard for him to share with his girl. So I called her there and then to explain to her what she needed to do. Crazy me
I felt like I am doing a risky gamble. Like I was betting on my chances of getting a mature woman versus going with the trained one; playing the odds since the Lord was keeping me from dating as I pleased. That’s sounds horrible and it is. I just am really confused as I feeling I am losing as sense of how this is suppose to work. All my chips have to go on one even though it may crap out on me. Talking to Robbie, I discussed the problems I had with my dating dilemma. He understood as I explained the pickle I was in. He just tried to reassure me to look for a girl that was already mature as opposed to trying to build up a mini me. I realized my problem was that I could literally mold almost any applicable girl into what I wanted her to be because of my Teaching gift. It was a power I didn’t think many guys share which particularly puts me in an awkward position. Make the perfect girl from scratch or find one that was already there. Because I hold to the belief there is no “the one” but simply a choice of whoever you want, it made it so the choice was harder as I could settle anytime I wanted. Based off of my situation, all I have to do to be married is find the hottest girl with potential and teach her to be a Godly woman. While she wouldn’t be able to keep up with me at first, she would eventually and I would be set. That knowledge of being able to do that made it so that I could settle with anything really. On the flipside, I could hope there was already a mature girl in alignment with me. The problem with that is less options as there are few and the ones available are mad picky when it comes to ministry direction. Most of them want to be missionaries everywhere and my missionary calling to the burbs is not that appealing but to the immature who want to settle anyways. That killed my options bad. When I talked I kept saying how “I could” make these girls or people do this that or whatever. As I told Robbie about the prophecy, he made a observation that the power I had was the molding thing kinda that I was taking the cred for. In that instant, I realized I was doing what the prophecy foretold. I was taking credit and ownership of this power to make people whatever as my own skill or ability. I was shocked. I realized just how out of control powerful this gift really was. I could really mold or manipulate people however I wanted as I had crazy insight into peoples weaknesses and not only how to empower them but, if used in accordance with my sinful nature, how to exploit them. I was afraid as it was too much for me. I would especially screw up if I used this in accordance with the church without clear direction from the Lord. I felt the pressure of the true gravity of my… his power I was given. I had to be humbled or I would lose control.
As I continued to go on the dating site, I started to realize more what was happening to women. They were not coming into the true understanding of their personal ministries in Christ and were jumping into crappy relationships too soon. As a result, they ended up just following the man and piggy backing off of his purpose without having their own. Essentially following man, not Christ in a way. What made it worse is if they got a guy who wasn’t sure of himself in what he was suppose to be doing and then she would have no lead period and hence the coasting couples. It explained so much and it made me so mad as I felt powerless to stop it. I didn’t want to know anymore. I was so pissed off in how this system of events was screwing women over so bad to make bad choices unknowingly. I felt like Lecrae’s line “Take me out the game coach. I don’t wanna play no mo, if I cant go out there and leave all out on the court.”. Great depression set in as the weight of this knowledge came down on me with no solution for me to stop it. The biggest problem I saw was that, even if you were unwise in choosing the relationship, it can and still will work. Being that you can fall in love with anybody even a horrible person, your covered. You will just be no the wiser at how you just played yourself short. The new info I had learned flooded me while I was at church and I was super overwhelmed. I broke down as I got crazy paranoid of everyone and everything in the church. The problem that faced me seemed too big to handle as I especially knew people would not believe me or want to do anything about it. Asking one of the elders to pray for me, he asked for the Lord to give me clarity about this stuff. Not what I was hoping for as the clarity was what was causing me to freak. He told me whatever is may be too big for me so I might have to tell the church and get their help. He was right. The problem is that church has never helped in the past but just blown me off as a nut. I knew this is what was special about here, they might listen.
I had sent my Pastor an old essay I did on Evangelism I did a few years back. After reading it I saw that its concepts still hold up today. Great to see that I was so knowledgeable back then. While at church the following Sunday, my pastor said we could get together and talk about it soon. I also passed on to him this DVD I just got called Divided. Randomly found it online. More so checked it out cuz it had Paul Washer in it but it hit on a the interesting subject of the trouble with Youth Ministry. It really hit come and I was curious as to what my Pastor’s thoughts would be. There, I also ran into one of the guys I had been building with for weeks at church. I challenged him about his relationship with one of the girls at church as talking to him it seemed it had no direction and bad foundation from their BC era. I used my past year experience as a example and challenged him on the need to learn his identity and ministry direction before continuing with relationship. The following Sunday, I ran into his girlfriend and shared with her too my concerns about her relationship, trying to share with her what the Lord was teaching me. She really wanted to hear but at the same time felt I they already had everything worked out. I didn’t feel like she was understanding totally but I didn’t have time to finish. I was halfway scared of her bf getting mad I talked to her on my own. So eager to hear what the Lord was teaching me and placed on my heart, she asked me to meet up with them both to talk more. It went well, surprisingly, as they listened. They understood my concerns and were thankful for being spoken to about it. Asking how things were going for me, I ended up talking about discipleship and they were amazed. It was the first time I said it out loud to another in the whole and it made so much sense and was so clear. I could really see it ignited a passion to see change. I love meeting hungry and willing believers like them.
I was randomly convicted sometime this month to reach out to some people. I remembered there were 3 people I had unforgiveness towards of whom I never talked about in them having hurt me. I had been struggling in forgiving them and I wanted to let it go. I thought reaching out to them to tell them of my hurt help make things better. In reaching out to one she responds in a way that is upsetting. Responding back, a mutual friend of that person tried to rebuke me lowkey by sending me a bible verse and not explaining why. I got real angry as I saw that she had not only told about it to others but was unwilling to man up enough to speak to me herself. I see this continued shielding from her peeps from admitting her fault and keeping her weak and seen at the victim. My reactions came from her mess and I admit my reactions were bad but she can never seem to admit she was out of line for starting mess in the first place. Others though, surprisingly responded in remorse. It was tough dealing with things like this. I saw how upset it made me that they treated me the way they did or just out right refused to deal with our issues. I had to really pray that I might let it go but it would take time.
The pressure from trying to juggle all the women from the site was driving me loco. It felt messed up. Its not that I was being a playa and intentionally messing with hearts. I was trying to be a friend/brother first yet hopes still arised and I could feel it. I super don’t like the feeling of drawing near to so many women at once even though it was in friendship. More so because that friendship was tainted as we both were curious about more. My buddy at work didn’t understand why I was trippin at all. He just says you aren’t married so its cool but hearts and hopes are getting worked up. Its not cool. I felt like I was freaking out. I just wanted to find a girl and have all the turmoil stop as oppose to continue to exhaust myself in all these ways with various people. I am tempted to want to give into my flesh and just ask out a girl I know I can get but not suppose to holla at. I was struggling with whether there is a “one” and you have to wait on God but how or do you pick yourself. I came to a place of peace tho on it. I accept that I am different and because of that even if I tried to holla at a girl, God would stop it to keep me for his “one”. So while other may be able to choose I cant so much
On the site I ended up meeting this one local girl. She is the Most Godliy woman I had meet yet. She seemed to blow my standards out the water which is a trip as the last woman I tried to date was so mature. I had lost hope for a second on being on there that I would have to settle for less but she made me reconsider things. In talking to her more and more, we got super excited about each other as we hadn’t met another of the opposite sex that was so on fire for such a long time. I decided to throw all my chips on the table if it’s a once hitter quitter situation. I ask out her and say if she and I are both given the go head for a relationship that we go all the way, One date. A major gamble. I was putting a lot of hope in her being the one and getting the go head to be in a relationship finally. If it didn’t work out with her, I would keep looking and I didn’t want that but I had other women in mind. I didn’t want to look elsewhere. In building with her in such a short time, she seemed so good for me in so many ways that if this wasn’t it I half way wanted to go into full one gambler mode. Like I was just going to throw myself at whoever and see what stuck as he never let me pick myself. I know God is laughing as I feel like I am trying to make a back up but I see that this is truly a gamble. With how good everything was looking, I had the thought that by the end of the month I might finally have a GF.
The Lord finally broke me and convinced me there is one “chosen one” for his peeps. Most times with people talking about there being a “one”, I would play it off. I knew it was bogus as most just choose out of their flesh and a feeling versus real discernment hence all the divorces. The reason many don’t find them is because they go based off their flesh. Huge problem is that you can make a relationship or fall in love with anybody and it work. God can let you be with someone of your choosing over his, it just comes with unforeseen price. Because he can still redeem the relationship if you don’t choose his way, you halfway don’t have to go with his pick versus your own. Going based off your own judgment, which is usually bogged down by many worldly desires, leads to selection of the closest person to what you want vs what you need. Putting it in Gods hands takes you preference out the picture as even if they are your dream date, its in his hands if it’s a go or not. I wanted to relegate it to God only letting you choose within a specific mature level so that you are not unequally yoked but it didn’t work. God doesn’t give you a selection of options in his will to do, there is one thing and anything else is wrong. Its hard to accept this teaching but I see it to be true
I seem set to go on a date with the one girl but things change. I see we are too close especially for it not even being our choice. Being that our hearts are too entangled I ask to postpone the date to the following week. Gives us time to come down off that high and have clear discernment. It also gave me time to make sure the right one wasn’t still on the site. I was winked at by the pretty and tall girl randomly that I never seen. I had to check it out. Talking to her, its like I was meant to talk to her as from her finding to me thinking she was beautiful was a crazy coincidence. I feel like I was meant to talk to her but for what purpose I was nervous. Physically, she was what I always hoped for, a big body believer. Yet I didn’t have peace in talking to her. She didn’t compare spiritually to the other girl. I didn’t have peace continuing to look period. I saw that I really gave her hope as she actually felt very self conscious about her height and I was the first guy that was super Godly and loved tall girls she met. My heart was crushed as I hated that I couldn’t fill the role for her and other girl. I hated their hearts was so entangled and had so much hope in me being the one. It was bad. I didn’t want to seek anymore, I just wanted it to be over and know who was the right one. I knew that it was between these two women. Ultimately I only felt peace and moreso drawn to the other girl vs the tall one. I saw the problem with the site was that it instantly put you in holla mode to where you got your heart tangled up quick because you was so poised to pounce. You didn’t have friendship as a really option as it was tainted from the get go. It did let you reach out to people you could reach though which was good. After all that, I ask the one girl to move our date back to the original time to find out sooner than later whats the deal. Thinking in the long run, She was worried about if marriage came into play, as it is ultimately the purpose of dating, having to move to the burbs as opposed to stay in the city. Though she lived closer than any of the other girls I tried to holla at, this still was seemingly a problem and she seemed poised to stay put. She finally broke though and wished to follow me if I was the lead. I think she is the one as I feel better about her as opposed to the other girls but I still don’t know.
My pastor did a sermon on Evangelism and Repentance. I think it was in react to my e-mail. Later he notified me he finally red it want wanted to talk. He thought my paper was good but didn’t like the tone of it. He wanted to correct my tone to make the paper or what I wanted to say which needed to be heard something people would read as opposed to just be offended. I agree with some of the suggestions he made about redirecting negative focus. While it would put on the defensive some, it would also excite the hearts of others that know what I’m talking about similar to Paul Washer. The prob though is that half the time, those who get aroused get in enraged and it is used to fuel their frustration against those who don’t step up aka they riot. There is a way to appeal to both crowds and I see that but it’s a really thin line between catering to the flesh and not. I don’t like to talk PC but speak in general in an overarching way. Those who feel me know that I am not talking about the whole of humanity. Others though will nit pick especially the DTs. He seemed to get the impression that I was a possibly abrasive or combative minister when it comes to the Gospel based of the tone of the paper. Problem was that it was a 2 year old paper and I had upgraded a lot since then. Questioning my motives for ministry, I went off on him in a half hour rant about my love for God, people and my desire to see them grow. A lot came out as it came from the heart. I took advantage of the opt to make my play to talk about making a Discipleship program, Street team and allowing me to teach. He told me that I had to be a member first to teach.
That I would have to become a member and put together proposals for the programs which he wanted to see. Membership was important though as he wanted to make sure I was committed to the church and willing to submit to their leadership. Being that I would be representing them in doing all this it made sense. The problem I had was how hard it be to get membership as I still had no car to reach the classes nor do I have a solid schedule that would allow me to make it every time. Worse is that his standpoint seemed to cater to the flesh too much. He wasn’t a guy that I didn’t believe would call you out but he had too much of a viewpoint that we control how peoples heart move. This concerned me a lot especially in trying to water me down.
The days before the date, ol girl called and told me she was confronted by multiple people at random that wanted to pray over her and told her to fall back in love with God. They didn’t even know that she was talking to me so it was more than a coincidence. Listening to her crying and freaking out if we should date, I realized what they warned was right. We were moving too fast and lost focus on the Lord. We went from being 50/50 on whether the Lord would ok things to being 95% sure based off our own desires. I told her to pray about thing and that we would see what happens. At that point, in all the stress I was going through, both of us were at the end of our rope. I just wanted to give up and try to holla at every girl I knew out of rebellion as I know I would fail every time. I questioned why the Lord had kept me like he did. I didn’t ask for it yet as opposed to other people I could not date at random. Either I had some higher purpose I didn’t know about or the girl on the other end had been praying for me to be this way for a long time. The next day, peace seemed to come over her and she dispelled a plan of action that seemed to be from the Lord. That we fallback seeing how we didn’t get the friend period like we should. Not make any hasty choices but over the course of maybe months, build and visit each other to learn. Basically visit her over the course of time to meet everybody in her life, Pastoral staff included to go through the wringer courtship style. I knew it was right yet I was frustrated as I was so tired. In the course of the month, I had already exhausted myself much heartwise. I didn’t know if I had more in me to do this kinda thing especially with the outcome being not based on our decision even. This just added to the stress of what to even do for church. This was good though as it gave me time to build with her in chill mode yet still be able to talk with the other girls I knew without stress. I wasn’t going into holla mode with the other girls yet talking to them I was going to need some breathing room on all sides. Either way, we had prayed much already that the Lord would give us clarity when we met. The build up and level of prayer that went into that was too great so one way or another, when we meet, we will know whats up.
The day of the date, she randomly changed her mind… again. She was scared and didn’t want me to come even though the day before she was super insistent on it.
Annoyed, I told her to suck it up and I went anyways. It actually really easy to get her surprisingly. Good to know its that easy to get around the city. Meeting her, she wasn’t what I expected. Her attitude seemed to be off and things just didn’t feel right. On top of that, she was really pushing slowing things down even further which would essentially equate to me barely talking her. I agreed as what we had prayed for came into focus; she wasn’t it. We took a train back to the downtown area. Sitting across from each other, she was curious if the seat I had was heated. It was but she didn’t give me much time to verify. She immediate jumped to a seat on the opposite side of the exit doors. Sitting there, she motioned for me to come sit next to her on the small two seater. I refused as I knew that would put me way too close to her especially being that she was saying we had to just be friends and pull back. I didn’t want to give the wrong impression. Still, it was awkward us going around together and not sitting with each other. Sure enough we went back and forth trying to motion each other to come to where we were but neither of us would move. Ironically, it felt like a image of what our relationship would be and a warning. Just seeing how we were, I just felt all wrong about stuff and I knew the Lord was humbling us. In the end, I went to where she was sitting in a seat in her location. We went to a book store and she showed me a book on Christian dating, I knew I needed to check out. As the date ended, I knew she wasn’t the right person for me even though so much was build up before hand. I felt foolish.
I realized what the Lord was teaching me. I was humbled as I jumped the gun with my feeling as I had most women. Remembering back to my last date, one thing that stood out about her is how much she was able to stay emotionally neutral. She liked me, thought I was hot, and even had confidence in the Lord working in me for the future yet she remained neutral, not getting her hopes up too much or her heart too attached. I felt like I just learned that move as my heart returned to normal. I needed this heart punch maneuver to keep myself in check as with the greatest hope I might find in a woman can still be wrong in God s eyes. He reminded me of that. It was hard lesson but one I think, me and her had to learn as we would have both been like Israel getting a king if we ever got together. Falling back, I decided to give us some space to balance back out. I also decided to move forward with looking into other women but with the right heart and mindset. I wasn’t going to exhaust myself like before. It was funny because I realize, being so focused on these girls actually helped like mad purity wise as my mind was so jumbled I didn’t think anything about impure stuff. Funny
I see that I am started to get really depressed. Over the course of 3 days, I seemed to be worsening. I don’t have the urge to do anything but sleep and eat. I feel so off.
I tried to reach out to a bunch of people but I couldn’t get anybody to chill with me to help get me out the funk. Finally I had a talk with one friend that really encouraged me.
I came to realize something. With the women I had been talking to, it truly felt like I was gambling. Like I was playing the odds on who I had the best chance with. I felt like I was playing the odds because that all I had to go on being that I couldn’t just choose. So basically it was who had the best odds of getting past the God block. The thing is my flesh was driving me to want to bet it all once I found a good bet for a woman. Translation; my flesh made me go hard in flirting and building with the girl and opening my heart. I wanted a sure thing and as quickly as possible as I could tell. So with my flesh getting me to let my guard down, my advances were totally for real and straight from the heart. Problem is my heart is in cahoots with the rest of me to destroy me. This would lead to not only me getting worked up but the girl as well sincerely but all too quickly and with little to no knowledge. So when the sure bet craps out, it’s a big lose on both our parts. But because my flesh is so intent on destroying me, just like an addicted gambler, I try again by moving on the next bet. It sounds so messed up and it is. I have to slow down. I have to be in friend mode and not play all my cards at once. Its crazy important as I will build up the girl as well as myself to only have a big fall as the Lord can and will stop it before the climax. It will exhaust us both to build that kind of hope and then lose it. I have to take my time and see how things play out because I literally don’t know. The Lord is constantly reminding me that no matter how good the odds are, he still controls the out come. With how my flesh has been workin me over so easily and deceivingly, it works out that the Lord has been putting up the guard rails for me. While in many ways it is a blessing as I would have been jacked a long time ago, it still remains hard to accept. Honestly, either I have a huge destiny ahead of me or wifey has been praying that I be kept since her youth and has bound me ever since. Lol. Could be both. All I know, is what the deal is for me is not normal for anybody let alone Christians.
Visited my old church again. Every time I go back, I am more and more impressed by their advancements. Seems the new pastor is really putting in work for sure. My old buddy there is teaching and he looks great. Seeing him do what he was doing, I hoped to one day be able to do the same. I know I would be already if I was still going there too. As always, they were trying to convince me to come back. They love having me there. They keep thinking I just left because the old pastor wasn’t that good. Even at that, that it was because the church was so behind in stuff while they are now advancing like crazy. They don’t realize it was never about all that but simply theological differences, differences that are probably never going to change. Even with the ops there, I couldn’t support their view nor would the things the Lord taught me or how I roll mess well with their style of church. I know I was where I needed to be but it was still good to be in close contact with them.
I went with guys from my group had suggested I go to a Men’s Conference that was going to happen. I saw that it is going to be hard going back to being around old crowd as now as opposed to before I know who I am and how wrong they are. Before they made me feel crazy as I felt something was wrong but they oked everything. Now that I know for a fact that I am not crazy and a lot of their ways are wrong though the might be slow to see it, I feel a sense of arrogance. Like I will look down on them now in the disgust and try to use my new knowledge to make them look foolish. I super need to pray for humility and love toward them. Going there it was interesting to run into some old friends but also spotting the not so much friends in the crowd too. I didn’t know how it would pan out having that many men singing but boy was it heartfelt worship. I took a class on both prayer and struggles with sin. Both rocked me as they seemed to address what I was lacking in and hit on things I needed to hear. I was challenged to begin working to figure out the discipleship plan again. For days I prayed and walked through what needed to happen as far as the discipleship. I took notes and wrote out a diagram with many of the details. After a couple days, I decided to pick up the discipleship book that I had been reading that I had fell off from reading a few weeks back. To my shock, everything the Lord taught me was already spelled out in this book. Looking further, even the SAME DIAGRAM. Its was scary, sick, and awesome at the same time. It was like I was made the book a long time ago and sent it back to the future. It was sick because the book is uber old too. The fact that there was another of whom the Lord moved in the same was mind bottling. Lol. Everything was set to go, all I had to do was follow the instructions.
I finally heard back from some people this month too to complete the circle. My little brother is talking to me again which is great but my cousin I just found out is not for some reason. She got engaged but didn’t want to tell me because she knew I didn’t approve of her relationship. On the other hand I finally talked to one of my last female buddies who was on the fence. We are restored finally as we start anew. The last restoration job I had on my plate came through thanks to the Lords working. Still may be something on the horizon with people I don’t expect. I was pretty exhausted from all the activity so soon in the first month of the new year. Scares me to think what else is up if this is just the beginning, I mean what are the odds huh? lol
