Yo,
Going into this month, I feel like I am in Big brother mode. Its weird. Its almost feels like the game Bioshock. Toward the end of the game, the main character had to turn into this huge protector called a Big daddy and help save/escort these little sisters. I feel the same in many ways. Like earlier in the year, I am having my fair share of lady interactions but its with a different heart than last time. Its not about a possible date but just raw ministry even though I still wrestle in my flesh with the desire to have more a wife. I am thankful for this change. The Lord has opened and reopened a lot of doors recently. I heard back from the church I had problems with earlier in the year. When contacted by one of the old contacts there, the way he spoke made it seem like he didn’t know the fully extent of what happened off the decisions made. I need to hear what he thinks happened and then address him from there. At the end of the day, I got punished for what wasn’t even the original problem while accuser seemed to go untouched. I don’t know. I have to get a better grasp on what exactly went down. I asked to set up a new meeting with just me and him. On a side note, I ran into one of my old buddies from collage at Meijer. Got to catch up with him about things and it was pretty nice to see him again. He seemed afraid to go to deep in a way because I could tell he knew I would want to share Christ. He wanted to avoid the subject hardcore. I felt troubled that he had that stance. It hurt still seeing be ignorant toward the Lord and confront the truth. I could only pray things would change in time.
I thankfully got all my Christmas shopping done off of the spending spree I had last month so Im covered on gifts. Though I might have jumped the gun on the purchases being there will be mad sales later this month, it was whatever. Usually all the stuff I want to get they never have on sale anyways. I think I moreso got the gift for people because I actually came up with a gift idea for them that they would like. It was not too often I could do something for them and I wanted to. I ended up leaving out people like Josh, Erin, and my little brother as I couldn’t think of what to get them as well as on top of that I couldn’t get it to them in the first place. Robbie got my The 4400, the complete series, on DVD boxset. That was pretty sweet gift idea. He was tired of me comparing all the new shows to the amazingness of The 4400. lol. Now it’s a matter of seeing if I can get him to watch it with me. He probably wont being that he is so wishy washy with his DVD boxset attention span. Lol Unfortunately he got me into his Law & Order:SVU addiction. He bought dang near every season and was watching it all the time. After a while in going into his room to talk to him, he would end up watching a bit and get caught up. It was Boy meets World all over again. Lol. I must admit, it was more interesting than I even though. Makes me feel old watching it though. I don’t want to end up being one of those old people who have nothing to do or watch and sit around and just watch SVU marathons on USA all day aka my dad. By God’s grace I wont. lol
When I got back to my crib from Detroit, I set up a meet with one of the girl I was talking to recently. I was super worried in that she would take things the wrong way as she was one who seemed to like me. Even though I cleared things up with her, I still didn’t know her state of mind in coming. I was committed to being a brother and I wanted to support her so I took my chances, feeling I could do crowd control of the situation anyways. I had to pray before like mad though as I was worried she was creepy or would be overly emotionally. The result was that she ended up being a female version of me. I listened to her story was shocked to hear she had the same experience in the church, same discernment, even got connected to the same churches and people. She also had a anxiety problem and fell short in the social arena which lead to her many misadventure in the land of suburbia like me. And like me she felt like she was crazy and was struggling to figure things out. I just had a couple years on her in having figured out the system more. So if what I had was Diabetes she would be type1 while I would be type3. I was welcome surprise. I shared my experiences as well which acted as a learning to tool for her. She finally had someone who understood around. I encouraged in knowing that it was for a reason. She seem safe enough aka stable and not obsessive to build with. Lol. I looked forward to building with her as her brother. A funny thing she said made me think. She mentioned that she felt like she might have a calling to be a teaching in the church aka that she had the gift of teaching. Her background made her feel like she had the same gifts as me. I wonder if my kind of background is a prerequisite for those kinda spiritual gifts. Lol. The Lord had blessed me to meet someone that I could really encourage and definitely be an encouragement to me.
Hanging around work, I noticed a ghetto white security guard working a show. I saw how he connected with a fellow Mexican co-worker over how hot there girls were. I could tell he wanted me to chime and hoped his ghetto demeanor would net a instant connect. He was wrong. I know a lot of time, non Christians don’t know how to take me if they don’t know me. Most guys will instantly try to connect over sports and women. When the see I don’t respond, they cant help but think I am either gay or tightly wound, never guessing that I am Christian. Half the time they don’t think Christians really do that being at most people and possibly even themselves claim to be yet never care. When all was said and done, I was disappointed that I couldn’t connect with the guy like my co-worker. I would have liked to have got close to be able to witness but with me not knowing sports and having boundaries on women, it didn’t seem possible. I want to be able to connect with people loosely to share the Gospel or be a Godly influence but it truly is hard for one as socially handicap as myself. Yeah, sometimes I get lucky but not most. I want to be better at this. Makes me halfway want to force myself to be into sports just be able to use it as a gateway to witness. If only I knew how to better tap into the universal questions I would be good but unfortunately I can never think of anything. In meeting a new person though, I see that you can get really close really quick if you know their passion and speak to it. For guys its usually sports, cars, or women. For women…. Honestly I have no clue as it all over the place. Lol. All I know if that I wish I had a better point of ref to build in the natural to move the spiritual.
Finally going back to church, I didn’t feel at home. Hadn’t been to my church in 3 weeks because I had to work early Sunday morning recently plus being out of town. Once again I feel detached from church. Like it is a obstacle and not a help. Being there most people seem in their own world. While worship and tithing is good, at times I feel that’s all I am there for. Paying to sing with people like it a karaoke bar.lol. It halfway feels like church is not meeting me where I am at, with any opportunities to grow on mission. Like before, when I was younger in my faith, the sermons grabbed me because I didn’t know better and I was hungry. Now they just say watered down versions of what I already know. Even though their sermons don’t stir me as much, I don’t blame the pastors as their sermons are solid. To be honest, the only pastor to say sermons that have rocked me consistently every time is Matt Chandler. All I can seem to get and have to wrestle through is my frustration with the people of whom are hard to connect as while they are yet Christian they still are very touchy about talking about the spiritual. Honestly at times its feeling like your the only one in a sea of Christians that is fighting the main battle or fighting like there is a war in the first place. At that its like nobody sees it or is too afraid to fight/help. Feeling like I am in warfare nonstop, I get so weak and their attitude makes me feel like nobody understands me though the might act like or think they do.There are not many programs where I feel I can plug in and go further. It kinda goes back to the idea that at some point everyone who is mature has to outsource for deeper stuff elsewhere. Because of all the church politics and overall lack of movement by the church in many areas, I have felt like it has been more of a hindrance than help. It sucks to feel that way.
With the two girls I now have in my life, it seems like they are like training wheels for learning to do the bigger task ahead. Both need a big brother and it seems my presence in their life has definitely effected them for the better. More and more I feel like I am being put to the test to further learn and understand how I and others should navigate this situation. That the Lord has put me through this so that once again I might live what I preach, from experience and not just revelation. I have helped counsel, support, and teach them in time where it seems they have really needed it. Both girls seem to test me to learn how to handle the big brother system under two different situations; One where the girl being looked after doesn’t like you more than a friend but you are attracted to her and one where she is into you but your not. Neither rises to the standard I learned about, by God’s grace, for proper partner for me and at the same time both are in a place where dating them is not an option. I am forced to take on the role as Big bro as no other role will suffice less I settle for far less than I need or cause damage to their life in the process. As I continue to build with them each individually, I am growing in knowledge of this role and seeing the fruit of it in the extreme growth in the women I have been blessed to be there for.
Been alternating between working nights and morning a lot this month but moreso morning shifts. Now that my boy Matt and Frank got promoted things are running a lot smoother. Also there is a lot more of a cooler vibe around the workplace as I don’t feel intimidated by the higher ups in that we cool. With most of the Higher ups that were a prob gone, its bee a strange transition but we have made it through pretty good. Morning shifts are actually not as bad anymore because my boy Matt is there leading. Not only does that mean I have someone there who knows what they are doing but I can chill with. Good times. They have talked a lot about next year them upgrading Part time to full. It interested me and concerns me still at the same time. This year has been good… real good money wise because I have been doing fulltime hours at work. So I know that I can do it. The problem moreso comes in worrying about my freedom with Part time to shift things around my schedule more though I have not really flexed it in a while in the first place. I wanted to be able to commit a day to a small group or some sort of teaching gig at church on a day but I don’t have anything on my plate yet I someday hope to. I guess the Lord will make a way when the time is right though. Talking to Frank though, I asked him if I could have a similar deal like I have for Sundays. Currently I have a deal for Sundays to where I rarely get scheduled in the mornings because they know I go to church yet I can work that day in the evenings. Its not like Im requesting the day off yet I am halfway controlling when I am available. It’s a cool deal I am lucky to have especially for a weekend day. He said yeah but it wouldn’t be assured. Good enough for me. So there is hope for the future in this. At the end of the day, full time status would go a long way to help out car wise next year as I expect to be a driver by summer of 2011. If I don’t have fulltime status, I wont be assured I can pay for car insurance let alone gas monthly. With the recent upgrade in my loan status I definitely need it.
I realized at work that my relationship with others in the body kinda worked like my job. Going back to the whole full time/ part time thing, It worked the same. Full time katz leaving immediately at the end of their shift as opposed to helping to get the rest of work done. Part timers would end up staying when it should be the full that should be forced to. While many of the part timers are not as skilled as the full, they are at least will to put in over time to get to see the work thru to the end. Serving or sharing, feels the same (R316). They are better at what they do while I chug along but at the end of the day, I will go the distance as sucky as I am.
There had been a girl at work I had been interested in. Ya I know, I cant holla at nobody that’s not Christian but that’s not to say I cant think a girl is cute. If I wasn’t down, I sure would try to holla without a doubt. I am a sucker for big body women. Lol. Well my “liking” of this girl was no secret to my co-workers but I never tried to holla nor did I have plans to. Sure enough the question of whether she was single came up and I was instantly curious. It nagged at me to find out if she really was or what was her situation for the most part. I don’t know why the info was necessary (of course it wasn’t but whatever) but I wanted to looked into. Long story short, I as one too many dudes if they knew if she was single and sure enough it kinda got back to her. Now I was halfway nervous because this girl might have thought I was into her or trying to holla. The guys at work all wanted me to try for asking her out to this holiday party that was coming up. I couldn’t as I knew I would freeze up in being in the group situation at the party. I decided against even though it was a good idea if I were trying. Still I was interested to talk to her and get to know her if the chance came at the party. Maybe get in a dance, you never know.
The guys at work finally convinced me to go to the holiday party this year. It was first time in my 3 years of working there that I was going to be going. It was the first time I got snazzy in a long time. My boy and his girl there. She was still salty at me and was scowling the whole night while he was hyper and happy. I would have kept my distance but he kept inviting me over to chill with them. Later I asked if it was me that made her so testy, he said it was because he wouldn’t dance. Seemed legite but I couldn’t help the thought that me being there didn’t help, I mean those scowls were directed. Lol. They had a Karaoke room there that ended becoming a VIP lounge by happenstance as those who didn’t want to dance inside. I wanted to sing but my drunken boss hogged the mic most of the night. Seeing ole’ girl at the party that I thought was cute I tried to man up and ask her to dance but she denied me 3 times. Made up excuses for every time I tried to as her to dance. It was a hot mess and a lot of bullcrap but I wasn’t around for her to dance anymore. It took me a while get out there, partially because of her but also really more so because the music was crappy. It was a combo of Mexican and oldies but nothing newer with a beat. I eventually stopped waiting on her and ended up dancing with a whole slew of girls randomly (like the Wedding).Got dangerously close with one girl of who was obviously into me. She had been eyeballing me a good portion of the night. I didn’t make a move on her though even though if I wasn’t down I could have slept with her easy. She was a girl I would have definitely wanted to sleep with too. The next day, the guys at work who were there and knew I could have had her in the bag looked at me crazy when I said no. They were plenty disappointed and somewhere deep down I was too but that’s not how I role. I rep the King. I heard she may have ended up with another guy as a result of my opting out. Hearing that upset me greatly at how people there were in sin and gave themselves over to be used like they did. Talking to my friend Eric about it, he seemed to look at me foolishly for feeling bad about the happening to ole girl. ”She’s a big girl. She knows what she is doing” was his response. I was upset as I could see he could not understand. Man filtered sin through the reasoning of what hurts me is the only sin I should be worried about. They know its bad, not right yet they wont admit it because they want to option to be open to them for when they want to play with fire. I cared for them and their souls, even though they might not have.
The next day, it hit me as to what the gift and the curse of going to that party was. I would have a bunch of people who suddenly thought they knew me. While I didn’t like the idea of this newfound weight and responsibility it did break new ground. A lot of the people I was stuck in a stale mate with as I couldn’t get around to say hi and breaking the ice. Last night was definitely a ice breaker. As much as my flesh didn’t like it it was a welcome opportunity to possibly share the Gospel through possible new relationships. I pondered on how much openness was a issue for me. Its just that there was always this feeling with others that they expected something from me or moreso me to be a certain kind of guy. They would se me and come at me like they were hoping I would be that atypical black guy that was ghetto and cool. I wouldn’t want to draw near because I felt like I would only disappoint them as I was not that guy nor could I be. That because of that I had nothing to offer them as far as what they wanted and hence was a waste of their time to build with. Being Christian, there is a clear line I would not cross yet if I did and I was what they hoped me to be I would surely be Mister popular. It’s a issue with Christians and Non Christians alike. Though if they did see me as a sort of spiritual guide, it was a role I could accept as they approached me not for me but for the God I served. I realize though, that honestly I do have some of those traits they hope for and I do have something to offer in and of myself. I still have a goofy ghetto and sometimes charismatic side that I cant deny is there. So that’s something but more that I have thisme being a Christian. This cool guy who is passionate about the Lord and actually knows what he believes. Its strange and different or moreso just unexpected for those who meet me. While I don’t know how they will embrace me, I will just have to put myself out there period and see how it all pans out. Stepping out in faith, I asked one of the people I had been slowly building with and who I danced with at the party if they would be down for joining the text ministry. The Lord had put her on my heart to try and ask and sure enough, before I could even explain what it was she said yes and gave me the digits. I hope that there is hope to build with others the same around the workplace.
Pondering over the recent events in my life, the Lord opened my eyes to the direction of my future. The Lord had already been impressing upon my heart to seek to teach in the church. Interestingly enough, they were going to start adult elective course at my church beginning sometime next year. There would be a selection of courses to take but they said they would also allow other people to teach classes of their choosing. This was my chance. With the remaining week of the month off, I had time to work on my Thesis. A collection of everything the Lord had taught me about in terms of the problems and possible solutions to the church. I realized I truly was in the right church as no other church leadership probably would hear me out and be willing to act on these things. These leaders were different. I wasn’t meant to just be in the church and show up every Sunday. I knew that now. I was meant to effect, not just individuals in the church but the direction of it as a whole. Pretty crazy thing to say and just last year I would have totally ran from the thought, but the Lord had prepared my heart and I knew now what I needed to do. That I was to be a man of influence in the church, not that I would be a Pastor or paid associate but yet still someone of influence. The Lord open my heart to the hope to one day be a Elder. Never before had I ever had any “spiritual ambitions” as it were to be something special but this felt different. Not that I wanted to position to have power or nothing but in it just being a honor to live my life well for God to where I was considered for that. I believe my opportunity would come next year to possible actually make moves into the raw position in the church that I was intended to play. Its kinda crazy. I questioned if this church was just training wheels though. If it was just the starter point to where later I would be more equipped to brave the tides of being in one of the bigger churches in the area and help direct the tide. I don’t know. This may be where God wants me in general or it could change in some years from now. All I know is that I have to trust him.
Suddenly I was captivated by a strong passion to be a big brother. Like in the earlier months, I was inspired and seemingly charged to step into the role. This time though, as thought of certain women the Lord had placed on my heart at the time, I wanted to step into the role with a new vigar. Thinking back to church that morning, the girl of whom had approached me a month ago alerting me that she was praying for me spoke of her testimony. She actually gave a watered down version of it as I knew the true story from her BF. When she spoke though, like before, raw love for Christ just oozed out of her pored. She loved him greatly and you could tell she wanted to serve him with everything she had. Thinking of her and her tearful presentation, my heart leapt for joy as I thought, “I want to be her brother!”. I had a raw desire to want to be there for her to help nurture that passion and love for God. I wanted to do everything in my power in that role to do so and it had nothing to do with trying to holla or anything just wanting to honest love her sincerely as family. It was crazy. Even though I had been charged before like I said, this was out of a sense of duty this time but genuine love for both the person and God. Other women came to mine as I excited tripped out on this new desire on my heart to draw near these women with absolutely no worldly desire in toe. It was crazy. Even thinking back to one girl I knew that was blatantly both hot and lined up with a lot of what I wanted in a Godly woman things were different. All attractions were curbed as the new sense of discernment and boundaries the Lord equipped me with helped me to establish quickly that though she was all that her ministry direction differed from mine. This made instantly inapplicable and so I was able to put her in the zone and avoid prospects of her being anything but a sister. I shocked that I was improving in this so much and it not only gave me more hope that others could too go deeper but that the cultural norm was truly not of the Lord.
I was asked by my Pastor out the blue the Sunday before Christmas if I wanted to come with his fam to his parents house for Christmas eve. His extended family would be there and they would have a gift exchange and whatnot. I told him I would think about it as I didn’t know if I would do anything for Christmas. Even though the offer at first felt like pity in a way it also felt like a great op to lay the ground work for going forward in ministry at the church. Same time I ended up asking him if he wanted to get down for the text message ministry which he was surprisingly down for. It was so weird to both be texting and hanging out with a Pastor like that. More and more being here with this kind of openness to the pastoral staff kept breaking the church norms I thought of. Later in the week, I totally forgot when was Christmas as I thought it would be the following week and had to tell him I was down for going last minute. lol. Epic fail on my part. I used my recently bought copy of Inception for the guy gift exchange they would have. On the way over, we talked about life as I found out more about his past and family background. We even ended up on the subject of ole’girl that I had dated aka he was spying for. Ha. When it came up, it gave me a good chance to share what the Lord had taught me through the experience. He didn’t know much about out relationship but he was at least rooting for me. I was happy to know he didn’t not approve of me. Seemed like moreso, she canceled out suddenly for her own reason but it wasn’t meant to be anyways.
His family was huge. I walked into a house flooded with a sea of Asians. As he introduced me to everyone it was pointless as I would never remember anybody’s name especially with so many of them looking alike. It was crazy as they all seemed to either be a pastor or have some sort of high end job to where they were well off. Pretty much his whole family was Christian except for a few. Even all the kids knew how to randomly play the piano or some kind of random music instrument. And they say stereotypes aint real. Lol. He had the perfect set up that anyone would hope for aka the Asian American Dream. lol. I thought to myself that the grandparents had to be the most happy in seeing their legacy like this. As I mingled, I didn’t allow myself to have the slightest hope that my life would ever look like this in the end. Doing the gift exchange with guys, I randomly ended up with a Auto Safety Kit for a present. I thankfully took it as it was super going to come in handy in the future. I talked a bit with his fam too, particularly his brother of whom lived in the mission field for many years with his fam. It was a interesting convo but going toward the issue evangelism, him like other kinda copped out for the relationship only approach as it was moreso the required sitch in Africa. When things slowed down, I opened up to PD about a lot of what the Lord had taken me through and was revealing to me. Didn’t say some particulars though as I needed to leave something to surprise. As I shared he seemed captivated by my passion. In general, its not often you have these kinda conversations which sucks so it’s a blessing to go deep when you can. Mentioning how, this year as opposed to the last, I felt like I knew how to sword fight with the powerful sword God gave me he spoke up. He told me that he might have a prophetic word for me and what the Lord was about to do next. I listened curiously.
What I got from him was that he felt like the Lord took me up but was about to drop me down again but not in the same way as this year. Like I have the sword and I know how to use it now so now its going to be about humbling me to help remind me that the power comes from him and not my effort. That basically I was going to make all the right moves but that seemingly things wouldn’t work like they seem like they should. Like I will feel like I lost the magic or something. Though I will fall in a way it wont be the kind of hurt I felt this year where it was a demolition. No it would be a loss but I wouldn’t take it bad because it would know it was of the Lord and it would end up making me love the Lord more. So the good bad, you know? But this humbling process was just the last dip before he sent me out the gate swinging full force. So while it would be a slight dip, I was about to go hard soon full bore. Nice to know yet I laughed as it sucked hearing that things would fall apart in a way period. He looked at me confused as I laughed and joked as he felt I didn’t get it. I was saying that it was a good thing and I got it but I still had a “aww man” moment none the less. Him just telling me that just humbled me to where I didn’t want to get big in my britches yet I would have to go through the wringer in some way again. He said, the Lord couldn’t let me go out there fighting with such a powerful weapon unless he did this first as that kind of power in the hands of anyone easily corrupts. I knew what he was saying. My mind slowly pondered on the chaos that could happen in the coming year. With all that happened this year, it getting worse was just scary flat out but I knew it wouldn’t be in the same way.
Christmas day, I didn’t have anything to do. I felt like crap. A clear departure from the day before. While that day I seemed off in truth, I was off days before I just had dropped deeper into that day as opposed to other days as I had nothing to do. As others were with family, mines was separated and I was alone. Not that I’m complaining, it just was what it was. Because I was in shame mode and distant from the Lord, my mind wanted to do anything but settle down and seek. I ended up getting Robbie to drop me off at the movie theatre on his way out the house. I stayed there most of the day, watching a double feature of The Fighter and True Grit. Good movie but long. I hadn’t even ate all day in my distance my the Lord. On my way home, I walked in darkness in the cold night as the streets were desolate. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw Woodfield mall’s parking lot so empty. As I walked home, I was left to confront the issues plaguing me. My thoughts went to the issues I discussed with the Pastors at the party the day before. So much seemed in the way of the Gospel and it getting preached especially out of the church catering to the lost instead just sharing the truth. I remembered when PD compared me to John the Baptist. Now moreso than ever, I think I understood that reference in context to who I am and what John was. It was crazy because around that time, I had noticed a lot about JB’s ministry than before. He was a straight shooter. He was out in the woods preaching the Gospel in the raw with nothing to try to appeal to the people or that would. When they came to hear him, it was for the truth and the truth alone. Not anything else as he had nothing and he wanted it that way. Ministry nowadays, people make it seem like you have to appeal to people by making them comfortable on all fronts before they can receive the Gospel. In truth, you don’t be we’d like to think we do as it would put more of the ball of whether they get saved in our court. Its interesting because if there is anything my years of resisting to share the basics about myself has revealed its that not every is needs to have that sense of security to take that step forward. In knowing that and having no fear in treading that territory as opposed to others, I have to help them see that reality.
This year was ended on a high note. The Lord in this time had come through on what he had impressed upon me in reestablishing the relationships that had fallen to the wayside this year. At least I was about to meet with one of the Pastors from the church I had been trying to make peace with. The Lord had impressed upon to mostly listen in humility. I got a sense of where he was coming from and I also got a sense of what they missed along the way. They didn’t seen the blowback coming that happened from all that took place and were very apologetic about it. Same time, I thanked them and reassured them that the experience was to my benefit as it helped me to grow and put me where I needed to be. Thankfully, we were able to make peace and I got the go ahead to be able to come back to participate with the church with open arms. I had to give God the glory for this having happened. Especially with the fact that it opened up the door for me to go back to small group and hopefully finally get the accountability I have so desperately needed. He said “Sometimes the Lord helps us to grow through correction or through a traumatic experience”. I definitely had the later this year. I was even able to reconnect with Josh and some other friends that were distant at the time for processing. I sharing with him the calling God had placed on my heart to reestablish our connection another truth was revealed. That these relationships needed to be broke down and reformed with the same material but in the right way. That in them being reformed they would be stronger than ever and allow both parts to view their roles with the right perspective as opposed to before. A reformation truly did take place in my life, one that would effect my ministry for the long haul and help me to accomplish the goals the Lord has set for me indeed.
Looking back at my entry from the beginning of the year, I Freaked out. I came to find out that things fell apart from the top of the year, not later. That all the things I needed to learn including the Brother/Sister issue popped up right at the beginning. From the start of the year, God had put in work on my life. It was crazy sight to behold. As this year ended, I pondered on what that could mean for next year, especially with PD’s prediction. The night of New Years, I hung out with a friend at his place. He invited a friend he had been witnessing to for a while that was Catholic. Taking advantage of the op, I started to dig deeper with him about his faith. I knew how to navigate and had a confidence I don’t usually have. I was getting through to him in exploring his faith and the reasoning behind it when my boy interceded out of nowhere and killed the op. I was greatly disappointed as I felt I was making great headway but it all changed the moment he interrupted with the wrong approach. I wondered, “Is this going to be what he meant for the new year”. That I would have all the tools and whatnot but things wouldn’t go like there should but not crazy bad per say. It truly could have been a preview as it having happened didn’t make me mad only disappointed and even so I felt capable still. It was different. We shall see when I step into the next season of my life what this all means for me. The saga continues…
