Howdy,
From last month, I can really see how much of a hermit I am and halfway moreso would be if I wasn’t down with GOD. Especially when I think back to how my brothers are, I see who I would be more clearly. As my disciplines have continued to suffer from being off and on, I am still growing inexplicably. The Lord is still using against want I would say is a good call but then again what do I know compared to God. Lol. I heard a sermon from T. Hill on how Satan takes advantage of our flesh when we are hungry. It seems to speak to what was happening to me. Though I longed for support, I could see that I cant count on anyone to help me. Even so I noticed that most my friends maybe in a bible study but are not getting actual accountability. I would halfway love to start a bible study with them to remedy this but I can’t. Nobody is every available. I have to fight to be in God’s presence on my own as hard as that is. I am aware of Satan’s schemes yet I falter because I feel like I don’t have much of any strength to fight. I have to keep pressing forward though as the Lord will provide a way.
Been using money real loose like with my current currency status. I went as far as to actually try again to upgrade my camera. Even though it seemed like a bad idea with the fiasco that took place earlier this year. This time, I at least got a good one a that I actually kept. Praise the Lord. lol. Been randomly buying people gifts because I have the money. I am playing it off as a early Christmas present. It kills me that I am even doing this. When I had a chill day with Alan again recently, which I hadn’t in quite a while, I really saw I needed to dial it back. Though it was nice to chill with him again, we spent wayyyy too much money in the process. I was able to speak to him about some recent issues he was dealing with though so that’s always a plus. If I am going to have this money, I have to use it better than I have but I have been punking out on recommitting to a Charity because I though I am doing fulltime hours I am still pt. Meaning I can go right back to have next to no hours and essentially money at anytime which would really suck for paying them let alone bills. I am seeing the greater need to be officially full time. I discussed it with Guys at work and it definitely seemed like it was in the cards for the immediate future aka the beginning of next year. I would need the consistency being I was hoping still to be able to get a license and a car. Still trying to figure out how to continue to pursue that with the currant weather conditions making it so difficult. Based off the guys at work though, they keep saying it’s a piece of cake. So I wish
After another interesting sermon from PoFo, I was a bit out of it on playing the social game that day at church. In my solitary mode, sitting by myself I was approached by a girl who asks me how I am doing. She was on the prayer team and was praying for me a lot seeing how I was one of the few people to give up a card for requests. After some light conversation, explaining a bit of where I was with things, a dude came up and sat next to us both. She left as he got there as someone called her away around the same time. After introductions, in further talk, I came to find out that it was her BF. I was halfway worried that he was trying to check me out and make sure I wasn’t trying to holla at his girl of whom I didn’t even approach. Lol. It wasn’t the case though, he wanted to honestly get to know me and saw it as a opp with his girl manning up before him. He ended up revealing his testimony out of nowhere which was pretty crazy. He was even trippin that he told me. We talked quite a bit even got on the issue of accountability of which we both noticed was a issue of here. Giving me his number, it was a definitely a interesting encounter that I would have to wait and see in what would come of it. See, I don’t always have to put in all the work. lol
In another day in the adventures of me and Robbie, I ended up calling him “Hilter Evil” in another one of my classic analogy speeches. It crazy what I can get away with in talking to him sometimes. Lol. I talking to him about his current go no where relationship and in challenging him, I got spiritual on him to make my point. I explained to him how his wickedness was no different from that of a more wilded out person in the eyes of God. Hence I came up with the analogy using Hitler as he is the biggest man example of evil in this world. I clarified to him that Hilter wasn’t a randomly nutty killer who shot at random but a well thought out murder. In the same way, there were those who just randomly sinned there was those who in their evil genius plan their mess to be most effect in their crap like him and Hilter. He understood clearly even though he still didn’t like the realization. What I love about him is that he knows all of what I say is out of sincere love and care for him so he is actually thankful for me reaching out. Same time what I hate is that while understand and even agree with everything I say aka cant contest it, He still wont submit. He is my constant reminder that its Jesus that saves, not my smart arguments.
This month I was pretty hype as two different concerts came up on the same weekend that I wanted to go to: The Unashamed Tour and Video Games Live. Both were in tour and I was intent on going. I tried to get Megan to come visit around this time so we could go together but she couldn’t make it. I had hopes that others would be willing and able to go but as the time got closer, more and more people began to cop out on me. It was so bogus. I even asked Robbie but being that it was the last days of his outdoor market job, he wouldn’t know when he would be available. I didn’t have many prospects to come with to VGL but I knew I had to know someone who would roll with to the Unashamed concert with Lecrae and them. So I had advanced my ticket for that concert. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t even that hype to see Lecrae as I was to see Pro and Sho Baraka in concert for the first time. I really wanted to get in a concert being that the last two years at Legacy I got jipped at the concert portion. Crying my eyes outside the building in prayer can make you miss out on things. Lol. On the day of, My last hope left me hanging at the last second making as my boy played me out to get ride instead of driving with me. Super bogus. Left stranded, Robbie randomly called me out the blue and let me know he was available and down to go. Can anybody say Hallelujah? Ha. We got there at the late as we found a pay for parking space local right outside the gig. I bought the max time but there seemed to be half hour gap between the expire time of the ticket and when the free parking started. So in layman’s terms, if a cop came around in that time he was super getting a ticket. We had to risk it. Going up to the place, in trying to buy a ticket, come to find out they were sold out. I was shocked as I didn’t think that many people would be there for it being that at Legacy not that many people came and most was from out of town. By God’s grace someone had a loose ticket they were selling for cheap out front so we got in. The place was packed and we couldn’t find a seat. I knew we wouldn’t need one though as when it started everybody would be up front. So we posted along the side near the stage in wait. Sure enough, when the things started, everybody rushed the stage and we were in the prime spot to be front row. It was crazy insane and I went wild. Robbie and I were both shocked at how crazy the concert got. The fact that they had Christian mosh pits and crowd surfing spoke for itself. One thing that made me take a step back was the amount of beautiful Christian women who were there and from Chi town. I guess I had more options than I thought. Lol. Walking away I was so sore but it was definitely a Miracle from the Lord in all that went down especially with us not getting towed.
At work sometime later, I was talking to one of the guys about college. He currently going to my own art college and was asking me different things about my past experience. I was really interest reminiscing about my past experience and talents which led me to go to the school. I even got on the story of how I made the game pitch to the arcade company. He so impressed. He tried to encourage me to get back in the game. To possibly even work with him on concepts but I declined. Asking why, I said “because I don’t have a passion for it anymore”. That made me think, what did I have a passion for. I realized that I no longer had a passion for games but for Christ. It wasn’t like being a Christian should override that though. I knew of Christians with passions for their jobs just still as strong passion for Christ. For me, it had all but shifted in a different way. It seemed that my drive to want to build in church was halfway abnormal, like a ministry calling. It seems like a leading to live out my giftings in the church to the fullest or that my talents were moreso meant for church and not just a career. Once again the signs pointed back to the Lord’s teaching gift he gave me. I needed to walk in it fully and not just in randomly mentor gigs. I didn’t feel like I needed to teach in the church at pro level to where I would need a degree and I would get paid but a simple volunteer joint. It made sense with the new standards I had been given which would prevent me from getting involved with a student. Something bigger was coming into clarity and I could see I show look into seeing if I could potentially lay ground work toward doing something toward that end in my church.
I didn’t have much time to ponder though as one of my female friends that always like clockwork freaks out freaked out again. This time I was pretty upset off of how this mess kept unfolding with runners like her. Its so tiring to keep having to deal with their drama of them telling you off and freaking out on you only to come back later realizing they were trippin. Its pretty emotionally taxing especially because its out nowhere that they sudden try to get at you. My issues with vengefulness came to rear its head I was so frustrated as those who say they love me (and a lot might I add) work overtime to suddenly get at me. When I try to fight to make things right and humble myself beyond needed, they still reject me. That’s the part that usually leave me pretty not happy. The fact that I submitted when I didn’t even do anything yet they are fronting like they didn’t do anything when in reality they are the bad guy. In dealing with a person like that, I would hope they would grow to a point where they saw, “hey, D’Andre has been right most of the time. Maybe I should listen to him”. They never learn though. Worse is that they never realize or pick up on the fact that I love them so much in that I endure with them in their false accusations. Its like they cant retain knowledge so as soon as something pops off again, its like I never loved them at all. Its so hurtful because it makes me feel like my love means nothing to them. Must be how the Lord feels sometimes. She was probably freaking out because she was stressed about some jail time she might face for some tickets she had. After asking me not to talk to her anymore, this time, I choose not to give chase. I agreed to allow her to go her way but not without letting her know how messed her attitude is. I felt like I needed her to grow up and learn on her own that her actions weren’t right. I couldn’t keep babying her or she would never learn.
Same day, I am contacted by the Ex of the girl who was engaged but broke it, again. He texted me, asking me not to talk to his girl anymore. I was taken back by the request especially in them not supposed to be together in the first place. While instinctually I wanted to tell him off and give him all the reason that was crap, I didn’t. I surprisingly just agreed and went with it. Even though I didn’t like the idea of having to lose a friend because someone else didn’t like me being their friend, I wasn’t too stirred. I didn’t want to exhaust myself on a fight that would drag out. I didn’t even know if ole girl was in alignment with the decision. He was mad respectful and civil and didn’t come at me angrily. I couldn’t help but respect his request. Not only that but that gave a sign that he saw me a good light as a Christian which would better help him see Christianity and draw him closer to the Lord. In the end, it wasn’t about me winning but his soul being won to the Lord. Ultimately I felt I could trust the Lord in what he would do in both his life and hers individually. I didn’t feel like I needed to fight but that I could trust God to do the rest. He thanked me for understanding which was real cool. Not too long later, his girl texted me making it clear she wasn’t in alignment with the choice but still allowed in not knowing what to do. I was sure the Lord would take care of it. I have to be honest, I really did understand where he was coming from on this issue. He was trying to get back with ole girl as a non believer while I was encouraging her as one. In the long run, seeing the Godly man that I am would super make him look bad as she would see the kind of traits that she is suppose to have in her man in me. A bar he couldn’t possibly reach unless he was saved. That can be tough but to be real, I would want it that way. She does need a Godly example in her life as the bar should be at that place period. So while that may be an issue for him, it technically is the standard that she is supposed to hold to with or without me being around. Its not like I am trying to holla at her by no means but it’s a good thing that she see Godly traits in Godly men and desire them as she should as a Christian.
I learned to picking my battles was an important piece of the puzzle of things the Lord was teaching me. Taking a step back, I saw that it was going to be a big need in the seasons to come especially with my recent rev about the teaching thing. I realized that a big prob I had is that I would gas out. Like in MMA, you can have those awesome one hitter quitter fighters. Those guys that are super strong and skilled to where they can knock out or tap out their opponent in the first round. Problem is, they used to that so much and focus their training so much on that immediate kill that they have no cardio. Meaning if their opponent lasts beyond the first round that by the next, they are gassed out. They have no strength or breath left to make through the next round to where they are easily beaten. I think that’s the case with me. I am good with it but I gas out pretty quick. Maybe because I go hard in many senses but I don’t work on that cardio aka get in that refresh time with the Lord like I need. But its not just about the cardio its about fighting smarter too. He is helping me to learn that I see with these recent revs lately.
At work, they hosted this year’s National Bible Bee. I didn’t know what it was but I halfway thought it was a Mormon thing at first being that all the kids and the adults had this creepy look to them. Like mostly, scrawny, blonde, with super long skirts or polo and khakis. They even had the same voice type. It was really creepy. It was like they grew up on a farm or something away from society and you could tell they were mostly home schooled. Speaking of Mormons, Some had actually came to my door looking for another couple that previously lived here. I had always wanted to have an encounter with them to talking about their faith/witness to them. At the time I wasn’t ready to have a sit down with them as I had stuff on my plate at the time but I took the op to make an appointment for them to come back so I can witness to them. They never showed up unfortunately but I know they will eventually. Anyways, back to the story. The guys at work expected me to know what the heck the Bible Bee was because I was Christian. Lol. To quote my boy Mike, “If it got the word bible in it, we know you gotta be a expert on it brotha”. Lol. It was cool to know they knew I knew my faith. I honestly had no clue how it worked though til I stood on the competition. It was mad cool. Basically the person says a verse like 1Corinthians 8:6-11 and the kid would come up, call out the translation and saying the whole verse word for word. It was nuts. There were straight human Biblegateways. Lol. I halfway was tempted to randomly roll up to one of this and say a verse to speak to them in Christian code. Lol. They had a Way of the Master booth set up there! I was plenty excited and checked it out. I got the new Ray Comfort book I was thinking about getting and sure enough I got it for free. The guy also gave me a boat load of CDs on how to Bring your Children to Christ for my church. I was super excited. I took some free illusion tracts, which I used on Mike. In downtime at work, I went back and talked to the guy about the ministry and the training in Cali. I was considering going but the trip would have been pricey and it was only like 3 or 4 days. He encouraged me to check it out and Im thinking about it. I am sure it would really be a crazy experience. I would get to meet Kirk Cameron and Ray as well as have to do open air evangelism. Woah
I had been trying to figure out what to do with my PTO. I got mad hours I could use to where if I used it all I could be gone maybe up to 2 or 3 months with pay. I don’t know what to do. I kinda want to use it all before the start of the New Year but it seems like it would be kinda a waste. Especially if it is slow to start next year. I will have no back up. I want to be able to use the time off wisely. Get something done but I don’t know where to go or what to do. One thought is to go to a random secluded place for 30days to fast and be cut off from most society with nothing but me and God. I wanted that super bad back two months ago but that was a dead end. That would be a sweet refresher indeed but I have no clue where to go or if I would have money to stay there. Another idea is to go to Cali for Evangelism training for 4days. Problem with that is its only 4 days and I don’t know if I have enough money to get out there to begin with. It just sucks. I hope I will be able to figure what to do and when soon
After going out to CG again, I officially officially made the choice never to go again. It serves no purpose or edification. It just hanging out with people that are not interesting or that interested going in deeper about Christ. I am tired of Christians forcing me into hanging out with corny people by holding the my Christianity over my head. The definition of fellowship continues to be destroyed. When I can have a more edifying time with non belivers than Christians, there is a problem. Worst part is, even I say anything is wrong, its chopped up to my social issues as the source when its not just me. Yes, I have social shortcomings but that just makes me react badly to something that is very real. I realize just because the bible calls me to be in fellowship doesn’t mean I have to specifically do it with everybody. I don’t have to force myself to like or enjoy hanging with Christians just because they are Christian. It’s the expectation and the norm but exactly right. For so long that plagued me as I felt I had to conform because this is what I have to like because supposedly it was “fellowship” when it wasn’t. In reality it aint, and viewing as that only make for a level of frustration out of expectation of what biblical fellowship is. Seeing it for what is really is half the time, just a bunch of Christians chillin, it changes the game. Fellowship I need but I aint got to chill, be friends with, or like the stuff Christians do that’s just chillin. Now that’s based on preference yet a brotha still needs to put himself out there to try to understand or build with katz every so often that’s different. Don’t have to like everything they do but I can make a effort to be open to stuff to be in closer relationship with them. You never, you just might have something in common besides Jesus.
To be real though, church feels like an obstacle and always has been for me. Not the body per say but the organization. They have been no help and not much of any use in my walk it seems. I can never seem to find the support or opportunity to go further there yet I endure. Maybe I have a unhealthy expectation on it but honestly I have found more stumbling blocks than helping hands in the walls. I continue to try to reason why its so different in the walls as opposed to outside. Why the church doesn’t expand or enhance my walk but almost bind me. I don’t know. I feel like I am killing myself for nothing. I need to fight smarter. I understand my limits now and more of the limits of my environment. I have to use that to my advantage but I might have to stay in my lane alittle while before expanding. I have problems with groups so try to keep it closed quarters. Be conscious how much time and effort I put in. Pick my battles more wisely. I feel like I am going in the right direction but I don’t know ultimately how its going to play out til I do. But I know, I will be a better fighter.
While I was out one day, I noticed a Jersey Shore wannabe couple. I realize there has to be a way to swing my observations to Gods glory. Its not so much that you cant judge a book by its cover as much as its not the whole story but simply apart of it. Yes, there is more underneath the surface but the outer tells you alot. Its more to the person is all yet still more the half the time, the impression you get is a chunk of who they are. You have to know how to navigate the outer just to get to the inner in the first place. I am prejudice than a mug. I know that but I know I can flip this somehow. Looking at that couple, for the first time, even though I was disgusted by the overt need to be noticed, I wondered how I could pierce the veil. I wanted to figure out to work that understanding of their outer to get to their inner. One thing, I was reminded of recently is that these people have feelings no matter how messed up or jerky they are and if you claw deep enough you can get to them. I want to figure this out to react and move the right way. There has to be a reason for this knowledge I have. I want to use it to the Glory of God and to bring people to Christ. I don’t want my flesh to hold me at bay but see these observations as a possible opportunity to build.
I find out my boy’s wife was is still mad at me from months back. This concerns me as it has been too long and she has been mad for seemingly no reason. She was holding on to a combo of my birthday fiasco last year and me and her husbands lover quarrel a couple months ago. Even he was trippin that she was still trippin about it. He had been trying to share verses with her to convince her otherwise but not much was said. What killed me is that I had been send her verse like normal daily from my text message ministry and yet I didn’t get a angry response like she was mad. Then it hits me, this is the Anaconda Vise. Its what I had been learning about this pass month and broke down as to how to deal with. I even wrote a whole paper on the symptoms and how to deal with it. I felt mad stupid that I didn’t figure it out sooner. So I took my own advice (More like Gods) and reached out to her. I was nice as humanly possible and I apologized making a super loving and genuine plea for forgiveness. Sure enough, she broke and she was released from the hold like clockwork. I had to thank God for the lesson and the success. Even my boy tripped out. I was glad I had dealing with this issue on lock now. Having had to deal with this same demonic trick so many years, I finally had the ability to cancel it out quick. Something told me I was going to need it.
I have detoured hard in the last week or so. I totally stopped exercising, watching what I was eating, barely even getting into prayer. I don’t feel as bad as before but that’s probably what makes this time worse. People are still distant and it still seems I have no choice but to buck up myself which I cant seem to get going. Heading back to Detroit for Thanksgiving, I didn’t see that changing much. Mom was posted up a new home as opposed to last year. I had hopes that it was better than the last as it was kinda small. Going back I was most interested in seeing Megan again as I had got her Rockband3 for Christmas and I wanted to play it myself to check it out. She didn’t have a good second guitar so I looked into getting one. Couldn’t find one before I left but the image of me going on the train with a fake guitar on my back like some kind of hippie amused me.lol. Making it back, the new place wasn’t so bad. It was right around the corner from Northland mall so it wasn’t too far from my old home. I knew the area. Mom seemed to have lost a little weight whereas it was apparent that I gained some. Better paying job led to me being a glutton to my shame. I actually found out Mom had Diabetes. It wasn’t a too serious version where I needed to be trippin she just had to take some pills. I was halfway salty see didn’t tell me but its typical. Has me worried for myself, especially with my bad eating habits I have had lately. My nephew Matthew got way bigger. To this day, he gets scary when I show up but expects Jonathan anytime he hears the word uncle. Jonathan wasn’t even around in his more developed years yet he still remembers and loves his uncle Jay jay (I just made that up. HA!). My mom got him to say his full name as an icebreaker and for the first time I realized he was halfway named after me. His full name was Matthew Andre Campbell. A reverse of my name. Either that might show my older brother likes me more than I though deep deep deep deep deep down inside or he ran out of name ideas and hes not too creative so he took back his original. lol
While I was there, I visited Northland for the first time in a long time. Still ghetto but brings back memories. Its hard to walk in that mall and not walk out with ghetto clothes as every store just about just sells street attire. All woman’s clothes is geared toward thick women. I was hope alright. Lol. It interesting walking around. Everybody, as I did, seemed to give off this force field to hold people at bay. I was in my element. Me, like others, just wanted to be left alone and minding they own busy and was just about that. Its like you want to be intimidating enough that nobody messes with you because if that they did you were in trouble. I was comfortable and at home as that was my norm and I saw how I was able to have these issues for so long and never really know they were there til I got to the burbs. While I was there, I found the only seeming toy store there which was ghetto as all mess. They had used games and whatnot. Got a new SNES game and Guitar Hero guitar for cheap. Megan’s present was complete. I was pining to show it to her and get my Megan hug. Lol
I had Thanksgiving with Megan and her fam this year. I wanted to eat a bit before I left for her place but my mom said she was save stuff for me. I hoped to see my cousin while there but she never showed up. I didn’t know how she would react to after having gave her crap about having a non Christian Bf. I wasn’t trippin about leaving mom to go to another Thanksgiving as we never had a traditional Thanksgiving ever really. The usual deal was that he whipped out the good China and invite her friends over. They would crowd the table and eat everything while me and my little brother tried to slip and get the scrap and go back in the basement before my mom embarrassed us by trying to show us off. She had all her buddy with so she was cool. Megan was happy to have the Rockband gift. I wanted to Rock out sooner than later when we got to her crib but I had to wait. Dinner was serviceable but not fantastic. I realized that I hadn’t seen a Thanksgiving with Baked macaroni and Cheese in forever. I knew something was missing all those years. After a while I tried out Rockband3 but it wasn’t as great as I hoped. Later we played Trivial Pursuit randomly with her fam of which I led my team to a victory or should have been. I thought went you got all these pie pieces you won but I guess you had to move the piece to the center of the board too. We had it in the bag as Megan’s was far behind but randomly the caught up somehow. In the end, I made it so the final answer randomly hinged on her answer of a stupid hard question and by some miracle she guessed it and they won. Boo! You know she wasn’t letting me live that one down. The next day we went and saw Tangled in 3D.
The next day, I was seemingly upset. Seeing how she was living, I noticed just how well off she is. She wasn’t even living for the Lord yet she seemed to have all this stuff going for her. It challenged me again in feeling like I am not doing what I need to. Simply put she was rich can didn’t even know it. Got mad stuff and has her loan paid off and everything. It left me feeling more like I am not stepping up even more. Its not so much that she was prosperous that got at me as it was that it felt like she was doing something impactful yet didn’t even care or wasn’t even doing it for the Lord. Thoughts once again of how others seemed to be living better than I back at the crib just weighed me down. Being around all the success, especially those who I knew were serving Christ with the same heart as me just made me feel like I wasn’t doing the right thing. Wonder why I couldn’t get it together. Why I had to be a failure and seemingly suffer. Megan tried to snap me out of it. I knew I was on some mess but it still sucks you know.
Its still hard for me to see the happy pictures of others Christians. It’s a cross between two things. Me feeling like they might not be walking as they should and enjoying the spoils of this life while not paying any attention to the war while I’m dying here. That makes me pissed that they aint helping in the effort and getting on they job. On the flipside, its them being on point for the Lord and doing stuff I cant or havent yet and seemingly reaping not only spiritual rewards but worldly bliss. It makes feel like I am doing something wrong. With so many people around the burbs life looking like that, I cant help but feel that maybe I’m not walking with the Lord as I should be and that’s why my life looks like crap and theirs looks amazing. There lies a sense of Jealousy in that I have to get the short end of the stick while they get the gap commercial life even though we are doing the same amount of work. Its like my current situation at work. They wont give me full time so I am part time yet I do full time hours. So I get paid like I am full but get none of the benefits. Still there is a benefit in the freedom I have to control when I work that they don’t have. I am sure there is a similar secret perk I got in this, its just hard to deal when you doing the same amount of work and none of the benefits. Either way, it adds up to me having to really focus on my own walk and not weigh myself by the status of others. Technically the bible says I’m the blessed one as opposed to them but its hard to believe when in a world like this.
While there, the Lord impressed upon the reestablishing of some relationships from the past. Interestingly enough this played out in two ways while I was there. They happened to be two of the biggest breaks that happened this year. First was me reaching back out to the church I had a fallout with again to see if we can make amends. I heard news of the Pastor who had beef with me having stepping down so I figured there would be a chance to act. The timing was interesting to line up with this new push. Sending a e-mail out to the leadership there, I hoped to be able to reach someone and get back in cool so I can be in my old bible study again. Maybe then I would be able to finally get some good accountability. The second was with Brittany, my old high school buddy I lost at the top of the year. The Lord had impressed upon me that this was the time to reconnect and what better time in being in Detroit to see her. My buddy Megan totally didn’t think there was anyway she would be down for talking with me after how things ended. I tried to put her fears to rest as I get her take me to her place. I knew what I was doing. She wouldn’t deny me or so I hoped. I was confident thought that I knew what to say to set things in line. It was the Vise all over again kinda, either way I had a different sense of myself than before. Getting to her place, I happened to show up the moment she just took a half hour lunch break from her stay at home job. Coincidence, I think not. She randomly had a dog too now. She was surprised as it didn’t bark at me but super liked me as she said normally it hated guys. Sign number 2 baby. Lol. Then again, kids and animals love me. Lol. I made my case towards her stating the need to reestablish our friendship on the right foundation as oppose to before as officially brother and sister. No longer was I ever going to be in holla mode with her but things would be right again. She revealed that the Lord had brought back in other friends she had the same, as they had come back more mature and ready to move forward. I think we both needed to separate for sure this year as not only did I need to change my perspective but there was no way she would have been able to properly ingest the info I learned as the result of the crazy I faced this year at the time. The Lord truly blessed me with the beginning of what I knew was more relationships to return and start anew.
In my last bit of time with Megan, I found out that one of her cousin’s as well was a Christian who was in an ungodly relationship. Getting back home, this trend disturbed me. I kept seeing this repeat pattern. Talking with one of the Ladies that I newly knew, it seems she had a bit of a thing for me. Tired of the potential for drama that was written all over the situation, I quickly called her out on it, asking “Do you like me?” and “Why?”. Upon digging further with her, it seemed her like the other girls didn’t have a real Godly standard by which to hold men. Many were immature or new and their faith and had never dated as a Christian before aka didn’t know there was a difference in the process in being Christian. Hence their standards were off and they got into really bad relationship based off their flesh and the guys just being willing to go to church. In alerting their Christian sisters, they wouldn’t check the guy out they were dating to see if he was on the up and up but just gleefully congratulate the girl for having found a man. Following the trend of crappy women ministry they would only have only women sowing into their lives with no Godly men to watch their back or stand as a standard of what to look for they were warned away from men. They needed a brother who would look out for them in the ways their sisters wouldn’t. It became evident on a whole new level the amount of damage that was done as a result of it this. It played into the lack of discipleship problem the Lord was opening my eyes to. Correcting the girl who I was talking to and what was wrong in her approach, she understood clearly. She just had never been told or knew what the deal was. Along with her another female friend, showed a huge desire while I was there to learn from the Word like me. Out of nowhere I had this epiphany and while in Detroit of all places. My heart was suddenly burdened to be put my own personal desires to the side to be the big brother that my Christian sisters needed. I never liked the word brother being used in context to be when it came to the ladies. There were only 2 girls I sincerely saw as sisters to me in my walk. Now though, I saw I needed to embrace that title as it was necessary to reach out to these women. I wanted to do my part to aid in their growth but that would require me to navigate the boundary more clearly so few had dared go. To be honest, I had already been in that role for years in helping and being there for my other female friends. Its just that then, I also was trying to figure out whether I should holla as I didn’t have a clear standard myself. Now I did, and from my past knowledge I knew the Lord would give me clarity on how to move forward and lead the charge for others to step up as well.
I missed the train again for the second year in a row trying to get back home. Mom made me get off at Royal Oak even though I had a ticket for Detroit. Sure enough, going back, I thought I had to go back on at Royal Oak when really it was the time for Detroit. Epic fail. Had to pay mad extra money to get a new ticket for the morning. On the train back, I noticed a pretty little girl and her mom. I was reminded of how I could see my life with the girl I previous dated. She would have made an amazing mother and I could see how great my family would be. I so wanted that. At the same time it hit me, it was almost a idol with her. While I would have had a great fam, I think if I was with her my life would become every Sunday Christian type. About my fam and not the mission. The real deal was that I would go in a direction ministry wise that I wasn’t suppose to and live below the fullness of his calling for me. A tear came to my eye at the thought of having to sacrifice that family life. I knew that one day I would have that family but as a friend had reminded me, “He wont give you whats before your time”. I would get it but it would be with a woman in alignment with where the Lord wants me and at the right time.
When I got back I went to church with one of the new female friends I made. Her Church ended up kinda being like mine in being mostly Asian surprisingly but even smaller. Met her friends which was this older Christian couple. It was awkward because it had a bad look like I was the new dude trying to holla and they were checkin me out when I wasn’t. I had the longest talk with her about growth and evangelism. I see the Lord has opened up yet another great door to minister to another believer and help her grow. Seeing how pretty she was and that she was eager to learn tempted me to want to be more but unlike before, my newfound sense of brotherly duty kept me wholly at bay. I had a new control over my desires. I learned that when it comes to sharing the Gospel I get drained but when I am sharing and teaching other believers, my fire is stoked to go the distance from their hunger to learn. I started doing a phone bible study for a little while with her to help her get on her feet in her reading a help establish regular nightly reading. I shared a lot of what I have learned over the years. Seems like I am discipling her but in a Big brother type way. Talking to her, she is excited about learning more from me and me holding her accountable. She is hopeful that we are in each others lives for a long time for this to happen. I hope so too but holding my breathe as most come and go
As doors have closed with certain people recently, the Lord has opened up many more promising doors and windows as well. Feels like literally do or die now. Like the consequences will effect me big in the future if I cant change. I have to go Harder. The Lord has been leading me in way I havent expected so far and that I know many might not be in agreement with. The Brother/Sister thing is a mad touchy subject but its one the Lord is teaching about in depth of which I will hopefully be able to teach other. Things are not done yet. I got one more month til the end and the Lord has just begun to stir the pot for the big finale. This should be interesting.
