The Conviction (Mar.2011)

Yo,

Going into this month, I felt like I had some hope with the whole feeling like I found a keeper thing going on. Felt good to get some grounding in the midst of all that lady drama and feel like I can focus in on just one versus many. Still drama managed to creep up yet again as I had to let go of a couple lady friends I had made from before. I discovered that they were runners and you know how I handle runners… not well. If you don’t know, that’s the types that freak out the moment you say anything they don’t like and abandon you. The ones that like to cut and run. They cause a lot of  crazy stress and don’t like to be challenged to do anything be what they want to do that makes them happy. I had to cut the dead weight, the ones who could not handle not being more than friends. The ones who lacked maturity to not be jerks. The ones who changed because I was no longer an option and hence their true colors came for. The good ones were cool when I mentioned that I may be going on a date, others not so much. So with no ill intent, I let them go to spare them and myself the trouble though I would have wanted to be friends.

My mom finally called me. It had been some time now since our argument. Honestly I didn’t expect her to wait as long as she did before calling me back again to give me crap. The thing is, though she broke the silence and called, I didn’t answer. I was kinda surprised I didn’t get a voicemail but partly more surprised I stood firm on keeping my distance. I kinda like the not having to think about or worry about having to reach out to her. As bad as that sounds. I want to live my own life and I am just don’t want the drama. I got enough headaches. Im so tired of reaching out only to get yelled at for no reason every time. If anything, I needed space. Its not a good look but I don’t know what to do. How to deal with her if this is how she treats me all the time.

Now that my roommate had a new girlfriend, He was rarely home…ever. Since I put the no girls allowed rule on the place for overnights, he been playing up his loophole. I argued with him over him not being home enough. He had been having way too many sleepover with his GF. Though he is not saved, hence it makes sense that he do, he is playing with fire. She has a kid and if he plays it wrong, the kid will get caught in the crossfire. I was like I living by myself. I missed my friend but I was also really worried about him a lot. I didn’t want him to get hurt again by another one of his crazy/damaged girlfriends. So I threatened to kick him out if he didn’t chill in not being home so much. I know that wasn’t cool and halfway don’t make sense but I was frustrated. I had been wanting Alan to move in too anyways. Me and him were continuing to talk about how to move forward with seeing things happen with Discipleship in the church. Us living together would super help to move forward ministry wise. Same time, last year we tried this and he copped out. I don’t know anymore.

After church one Sunday, I was sitting there waiting for my ride to be done mingling when I became frustrated. I hadn’t been to church in a bit but even in returning I was stuck in the same rotate as always. Feeling like I could mingle, sitting in my seat, waiting awkwardly in the midst of the congregation.  Suddenly I felt the urge to write out my thoughts. I wrote:

“Avoiding other issues doesn’t change the main one; Progression. The calling to move forward. The burden to do more, to call others to. One that I feel incapable to carry out in many ways yet capable. Feeling like there is a huge wall blocking my path and I alone can do nothing to move it. I need others yet they are unwilling or unable to help. Doubt clouds my mind. This tension grips me and burdens my soul. The desire to see things  change; More.”

I realized that I felt a conviction to help others mature but I had no clear outlet to do so at church. So in my spirit, I was deeply burdened to help build the body but I wasn’t doing it. So as I saw others live below their potential, the spirit churned within me to see change. On the side of my flesh though, I still had my social limitations. It was still hard to connect with people especially in large groups. It still was the case for many that they had no free but that short half hour to an hour period after church to chat. Because I limited to only that time, with not much of a window for communication outside church, I was left with what felt like nothing. I could barely navigate in a group not to mention that some of the katz I was cool with were being more distant. I felt trapped or mind bottled as it were. lol. There had to be change, some kind of breakthrough to get me out of this stalemate between my flesh and the spirit. I felt a conviction to pray a dangerous prayer. Not only to pray for breakthrough but to pray that the Lord enable me by his spirit to help others see their full potential in Christ. I was excited about the possibilities as it was a prayer I felt would answer but I also was afraid as I knew it would push me out my comfort zone.

After being on the site long enough and interacting with legit Christian women, I came to the realization that I am biblically hot. Lol. I am halfway serious. In a World where many Godly men are not walking in biblical manhood, I stick out as a one who knows what he is doing. The reactions I was getting from being real about my love for God and my desire to serve him was crazy. The only things I think that has kept other Christian women from seeing it is 1) my social limitations 2) Their flakiness in the faith aka lack of desire for the spiritual and 3) Their prejudice, most times subliminal, against blacks. Either way, I have come to the acceptance that I have a lot going for me to where any woman to open her eyes and see would know I am a great catch. Its good I think to feel some sense of confidence after so many years of wondering slightly. To be honest though, It’s been a struggle for me to be in close friendship with such beautiful women and not having locked down to a relationship yet. I feel pulled into a bunch of different directions just based off possibilities that each hold to be more possibly. At the end of the day, I am still a single guy who has never had a girlfriend and strongly desiring one. Because of that, it was hard to keep my head straight and see clearly. I am tempted to want to start one fast in order to kill the urge.

Texting was killing my time latley, I had to pull back on communication with some people. One girl I was texting a lot or receiving too many from was the new tall girl. It was constant but not in a bad way like before. Communication at least flowed. Regardless, it had to stop or more so be limited. Hence I gave her the speech about the dangers of texting too much but also my female friend boundaries. She understood and was in agreement. That day still we kept talking but after a joke about abandoning her I saw once again the text-imacy struck again. She had a fearful reaction to the joke which surprised her but not me. She started liking me a lot because I was too slow to set in place my text/phone boundaries. Now that she saw the ramifications, she was taking my warning more seriously but so was I. I had to be careful in how I navigated as I didn’t want to inadvertedly make someone think I was down for more when I wasn’t. All the while I made an agreement with the one girl I was going to go on a date with to fast from each other until the date. I saw that our heart were too close and we needed to come down off this emotionally high. With her living a state over, we had begun talks on if she even move if things got serious. I didn’t want to negatively influence her to make a decision to move and be with me out of her flesh. I wanted her to know for sure that this is what the Lord wanted of her and not just change directions for me vs him. I am hoping the time will balance us back out and that it will give her clarity into what to do. At this point, the ball in his her court. So it’s a waiting game as I have to be chill til the time of the date. My prayers for patience are coming through as it will be a long two weeks.

After weeks of talking, I decide to finally meet the tall girl Kristin in person since she was local. Only as friends of course as I was set on my date to come. We decided to visit church and the old young adult event I was all too familiar with. She was really a cool person and though she was tall, still hoped for more. Lol. What can I say, I have a serious thing for tall women. Lol. While there, I was legitimately scared to run into old familiar faces. I was almost reluctant to go but I didn’t want to punk out in front of her. During the service, I was overcome by that familiar feeling once again and started to write. I wrote:

“Part of me feels if I can figure it all out, if I could figure out the master plan, somehow I can be able to stop it. I can’t. It won’t change anything. All it seems to do is anger me more at the deception. It does also help me guard my heart against it. I can prep others but I can’t change it. Only he can.”

I was seeing that the conviction I had to see other grow was in further conflict with my flesh as my flesh wanted to see it through in its own way vs the Lords. Like I could somehow see through the conviction from the Lord in my own strength but it was nt meant to be achieved in my own strength but in the Lords’. Again I wrote:

“I havent found a proper way to reconcile my conviction with the church or the state of the church itself. Tension with no way to release it. No good way to navigate the crowd and that tension = completely off”

Hell of a time to have another epiphany. Ha! I have the desire to know everything like somehow if I can figure out the whole of the conspiracy and reveal that to people, they will stop frontin and change. They wont though as only the Lord can change the heart issues we have. Knowing stuff almost seems like a pointless burden. I had a lot of to think and pray about. I felt like I was close to a new level.

That night, Battle: LA was coming out and I was pumped to see it. I asked Kristin if she was down for going to see the midnight release with me. She was actually down for it which was cool. Me and Robbie had plans to go but now that she was going too it made things more interesting. We went to Streets to see if they had a late showing and for the 1^st time in a long time they actually didn’t. I was shocked. I had call Robbie and ask him to check another theatre.  Kristin was scary about going to a theatre that was too far out her way from her crib so we looked into ones that was farther out. Robbie wasn’t so happy at the thought but I convinced him. I think it went something like this, “Dude! If you saw this girl you wouldn’t question me. My head reaches her shoulders dude. You would be up to her stomache in height. Don’t you mess this up for me” LOL! We all laughed about it. I love making light of the fact I love tall women. We decided to go for that fancy Muvico place a bit aways. Before me and Kristin left though we I made her take one of those photo booth pictures with me. I actually looked good for once. Ha! So we left but both us and Robbie got lost. After trying to find each other on the road and circles each other a couple times, we finally met up at a Gas station to follow each other to where we thought the movie might be. After finally finding it, I saw Robbie’s car was being waved down by a cop car. I was mad scared because if he got in trouble it would have been my fault. Ended up being that the cop was just trying to help him find the theatre which had one of the most complicated parking lots. Lol. Robbie was impressed by her tallness. Lol. So we finally got to the movie but ended up finding out we got there too late as the theatre was closed cuz the movie had already started. I was disappointed but it was a fun ride. We parted ways but the next seeing how I still wanted to see the movie, I asked her if she was down to come along and try again. She was down and so we went and finally got to see the movie which was pretty good. A heck of a lot of run around though for something that wasn’t even a date but just two friends hanging out. I didn’t take the evening as anymore more as I had my “real date” coming up soon.

I reluctantly had to have a meeting with my small group leader. He wanted to met with everybody individually as our time came this month because we were each taking turns leading. I figured if he just wanted to give hints and tips on leadership, a phone call would have been enough. He wasn’t havin it though and that made me nervous like it was a set up or he had to watch me close because of the incident before. Being that my schedule was pretty stacked, the only time I had available was before my old leaders wedding. I needed a ride anyways so we just killed two birds with one stone. After having a quick bite and talking about what I was going to go over, I asked him to get real about me in how he felt in me at group. He fessed up that he believed I had problems with my attitude at group as I seemed way too distant. I chopped part of it up to my social woes but some things in which he said how I might have been coming off without thinking made me think. I realized that I had tunnel vision. That as he spoke about how the might feel in my actions I didn’t care about the guys at group not cuz I didn’t care about them as people but because I was more concerned about focusing on the bigger picture. Wanting to figure out how to get the troops to mobilize and share the Gospel or even the discipleship thing. Saw that I was so focused on the big picture I was neglecting those closest to me to minister to. I had to be a good steward with the little to build to the big. So I ended being challenged when I didn’t expect it. From there we headed off to the Wedding. I was shocked to see how small it was. My guy was a popular guy at church and he had a open wedding for anybody to show yet only his fam and old small group members really showed up. That spoke volumes to me. I was glad to see him finally married. I shocked as he didn’t breakdown in tears the entire time. I know I would have been bawling my eyes out. Lol. I ended up running into a few people I knew including a pastor from my church. I promise its like all the Asians in this town are connected somehow to my church. Lol. Biggest surprise was running into the guy I had beef with from before. Things were different now and we were at two different places in life after the events last year. We shook hands and said Hi. I didn’t have much to say as much was already said in the e-mail of peace I sent before. It was good to be able to close that chapter and move on finally.

My time to lead small group came up. It didn’t turn out too bad but it could have went better. I think I challenged the guys enough though I felt I flubbed at points. With the whole teacher gift thing, I had hoped it would flow like water. Lol. Not so. Anyways, it turned out well. I ended it with a Christian hip hop song from Json called “Who is he”. Just about had me breakdown in tears as it always does. I pray that it resonated with the guys. Some of them were fooled into thinking I did a good job too. Lol. I was doing ok. Stressing alittle trying to wait for this date but I was cool. That night, I went to sleep but midway through the night I felt something. Laying half awake, I felt like something was pulling the covers off my back. I freaked. Then I felt like something just layed itself out on top of me. I felt the weight of this thing to where I couldn’t move my body. Afraid as I knew it was a physical entity that was doing it I began trying to call on the name of the Lord to help me. When I tried to talk though, I couldn’t speak. With no choice, I calmed myself down and I began to pray in my head. I was confident once I was about to call on the Lord it would be over but the jacked up thing is, nothing happened. I was still stuck. I got nervous as hell as I was like why didn’t it work. With no choice, I continued to call out to the Lord til it finally left me. I had faith in the Lord to help me but if it killed me that it took as long as it did for it to bounce. I was expecting a instant reaction but I had tested in my faith as in it not going down instantly, I had to trust that he would come through. I was reminded of the chapter in the Word where the disciples couldn’t get the demon out of a kid and Jesus said it was because it required much payer and fasting. Afterwards, I got up and just started praying hardcore for protection whatever else to remove any evil presence from my apartment. It was still really early in the morning but I called who I could to ask for help in praying. One person I was able to get was my one Jen. She prayed for me, though it was a tad awkward as I think she wanted me to jump in at points and I didn’t. lol. She then told me she felt I have some chinks in my spiritual armor. Where? She didn’t say but she always kinda mysterious. Lol. It really had me thinking though as I wondered what it could lead to if this was one of them.

Later in the day after what happened, it freaked me out into calling my upcoming date to tell her about what happened. In sharing the details, since we were talking, I decided to find out where she felt she was on the whole “Could I move if this got serious?” deal. She said it was a no. I pleaded with her about it being able to work but she seemed like she just gave up. It upset me as my reasons for not leaving were spiritual while hers was simply she didn’t want to leave her family. That was kinda bogus being that she lived only like 2 hours away as well as the fact that she needed to be able to leave her family to be able to make a new one. I was greatly disappointed by her nonchalant attitude in letting go of the idea of dating me when there was so much build up behind it. So, I kinda gave up too. I knew Kristin was interested so I ended up calling her and asking her if she wanted a date instead. Though she didn’t meet my standards in some ways, I thought “Hey. What the hell? She actually wants to go out with me. That’s rare. Why not see what happens?”. Finding out what her next available day was happened to be in collision with mine happened to be in two days. She was down and I just ran with it. Even after, I just ran into it, I still kept debating ol’girl on the bogusness in her reasoning’s for backing out our date. She seemed like she was frontin like she didn’t have a choice and was mad at God or something when it was just her being fleshly I felt. I just let it go. Going into the date, I didn’t know what I was doing. As opposed to the women previous, I had no plan and had not followed my set structure for dating. She knew my standards and we dialoged about how things were suppose to work over dinner. I was simply clueless at what to do in figuring how if we should be a couple from the starting point we made. Even at that, it was mad awkward in the date being this soon after the denial. She didn’t have a process though, all she knew was she liked me. I liked her too, she was beautiful, cool, tall, seemed to be very hungry to grow. In the moment I just didn’t know how to properly find out if we were compatible to be a couple. She told me she just wanted to take a leap of faith. Walking her to her car, I questioned what we should do next to figure things out. Do we go on another date? Do I meet someone to get the ok? She didn’t have all those processes nor did she have the people in her life to do that kinda stuff. She just liked me a lot and wanted to go for it. I questioned if that meant she wanted to be my girlfriend, she did. Shocked, I asked in my mind and out loud “Is that it? Are you really just going to be my girlfriend just like that?”. She was like yeah.

At this point my mind was blank as nothing made sense at that moment. I had a girlfriend finally. Just like that. I didn’t follow the proper “procedure” yet randomly now I was in a relationship. I never had a girlfriend before because the Lord had always blocked me to keep me from women for so long but without warning it ended. To make things even more confusing, after my pursuit of a girl who seemed superior spiritually of whom I was after for pure reason yet I was denied and here I was. The timing couldn’t be worst in only be 2 days after the canceled date. I was in for some crap. So much went through my mind that I went blank. I just stared at her. All I knew for sure was regardless of if it was real or not she was super beautiful and I super wanted to kiss her. I ended up saying it out loud in awe and sure enough we were drawn in like a magnet. When we kissed I faded out hardcore. It didn’t seem real. It was really like I was dreaming. When I pulled away I was sucked back in partially from disbelief it was happening. I didn’t realize but we were outside making out next to her car in the parking lot for the longest time. It was so weird. I reminded me of the first time I kissed Brit (or moreso her kissing me). It was only a peck but it rocked me. It was like that but way longer and more wow. lol. She finally stopped me as I was like a zombie. I was seriously dazed and could barely stand like I was drunk. I had to go so I walked home. She offered a ride but I needed time to think so I declined. I could barely walk. It wasn’t cool that I made out. I definitely felt like I sinned but it felt different. I was used to looking or feeling a certain way. Like when you see something dirty on tv or a loose woman is trying to holla at you, you get sense of filth to where you know its jacked. When we kissed though it didn’t have that same aura, being that she was Godly, had pure intent and I wanted her for the right reason. Yet in that magnetism we went to far. I wasn’t prepared for sin manifesting itself in this way. I never experienced it before. Now I had a clearer sense of the struggle for those dating.  As I walked home, I racked my brain over what just happened and moreso, how the heck was I gonna explain myself to ol’girl. Oh boy

Thankfully, there was a one Legacy conference coming up so it would help me get my head together. Alerted people to the fact I was in a relationship and many of them freaked… in a good way. Some of the most supportive were my sisters which was cool. I still had to explain myself to the one girl but I didn’t know how. Going to the conference, I tried to keep my head together but I had a lot weighing on my mind. I didn’t have a peace about the relationship. I was halfway scared this was a produce of that prophetic word I got about doing everything right and something going wrong. Was this it? Did God take his hand off me and as a result I ended up in a bad relationship out of my flesh? Or maybe she was the one the Lord had been saving me for? How could that be though when the attributes didn’t add up? I was a hot mess. That’s all I know. I had been hanging with Eliel a lot lately. He’s who I went with to the conference along with some other peeps. Sharing with him my relationship worried and doubts, he had shared with me his. He himself was dating one of the prettiest girls around my old church who was also pretty on fire for God but he dumped her. I was shocked that it he who ended the relationship and not the other way around. I remember halfway being jealous and happy for him when I end found out he got into it. His story though, made a impact. It was funny cuz being there, automatically I wanted to scope out if there was any pretty Godly women around which we did notice but then remembered “Wait, I got a girlfriend now. I can’t be doing that”. Lol. It took a minute for it to sink in. I wasn’t used to not ever doing that and so I realized this relationship thing came with adjustments. Even more funny was the girl I went on a date with a month or so ago ended up showing up there too. I freaked out. She still was frontin though but was mad awkward. Later in the day, after some great performances and a good sermon from Sho Baraka, I took class on the holy spirit in which the guy suggested a book called Spirit Empowered ministry. It sounded right up my alley for what I needed to move forward with ministry in this season so I made it a point to look up that book. Also the guy was supporting this organization called Children’s Hunger Fund which helped church make food packs themselves and start relationships with locates to share the Gospel. Pretty cool stuff, so I grabbed a packet to give to my church.

That night, Sho Baraka was performing but instead of watch one of my favorite Christian rappers perform, I decided to get some alone time with God. I went upstairs in the building to find a quite room and there I wrestled with my situation. I prayed for some time and after a while things started to hit me. Earlier in day, they sang in worship about trusting the Lord for he was doing stuff for your good. I couldn’t sing it because I realized for first time in a long time I didn’t believe that. I was scared he let me fall into this relationship to teach me a lesson and as a result I might end up hurting Kristin which I thought was bogus. Being blocked for so long, I couldn’t accept the reality or the implications of what jumbled mess could mean. I never asked to be “kept” but the Lord never let me date. He definitely protected me from some mess ups but I figured it was to make me an example and allow me to get the right one off the first time. It angered me at the thought that that wasn’t the case. Something hit me though in terms of my heart. That didn’t make sense that I never asked him to “keep me for the one” yet I was getting angry cuz it might not be the case. The Lord opened my eyes to realize, “I never made you that promise”. I felt stupid. If he kept me, it was for his purposes, not mine. It got me to this point. I had a false expectation out of Pride/arrogance based in why I was kept. More over I thought because of all the stuff I knew, I could not mess up in finding the right one in one shot as opposed to others. I was full of it. Something else was revealed too as I knew about being a leader as a man but yet in my mind it believed that the relationship sank or swam based off the woman’s approval of me. That I had to keep her happy or amused in order to keep her effections. That it was all about what I could do for her whereas I was just a servant and she was master. Not just to start in initially trying to holla but to stay with me as I would remain faithful regardless. I wasn’t willing to lose the women if she wasn’t right for me. It was just about me fighting to have and keep a girl, not so much of her being able or willing to sacrifice the same amount to be with me. It wasn’t a one way street. Eliel’s story helped me to see that as being if I were in his shoes, I saw that I would have let the girl get away with stuff because I didn’t want to be alone. That couldn’t be the case. She had to be willing to fight for me too.

Emerging from the prayer closet as it were, I felt a whole vigor about moving forward in my relationship. After God’s gut check, I was able to trust him with my relationship. Before, I realized I trusted him to get a relationship but I wasn’t thinking about trusting the relationship into his hands once I got. Like my need to depend on the Lord would suddenly stop and I could just not have to have faith anymore because it was a sure thing. That’s probably why I wanted that one hitter quitter relationship, so I didn’t have to worry if I would lose it once I got it. Discovering what I did, I would have ended up compromising his standards out of idolatry in my old thought life. Trusting the Lord, I felt I could trust his purposes in my relationship. It didn’t have to turn out into a train wreck as long as I did things according to his ways. With this new confidence, I alerted Kristin to the good news. She was happy I was able to find some peace. Sometime later we ended up going on the date basically that I was originally going to go on with the other girl to see Suckerpunch. That day we went to church to see my sisters. Check out her church and watch her practice performing for a event that was coming up. It was great to see them getting along so well. We went for a walk and then after went to the mall. I tried inviting my sis but she copped out on us so it was just us. Walking around we window shopped, I even got to stop at Gamestop and a Arcade. In the middle of us walking in the mall, she planted one on me out of nowhere. I literally almost fell over in how my knees instantly got weak. It was definitely a wow moment. I told her to hold up a sec so I could get my barings. Lol. The movie was great and the whole time she was cuddling with me. It was crazy. I never been liked so much before. She really truly liked me. It was like a perfect date kinda. I felt so high and on the clouds that it helped me to realize how precious intimacy is and how much it should not be shared with many. It truly challenged to maintain purity as it scared me at the thought of being close with another like that. I was in new territory indeed and conviction about the dangers were growing.

More than One (Feb.2011)

The month started off pretty shocking for me this time around. One of the new female friends I made randomly revealed a big secret to me. It rocked me pretty bad to hear her story as she randomly shared it with me for reasons unknown to her. She never really told anybody but she told me. It rocked me pretty bad, let me in tears. I had deep compassion on her and tried to counsel her in the memory of this tragic event. Sure enough though she freaked as it shocked her that I wasn’t disgust or judgmental toward her in knowing. It scared her and in fear and self consciousness she ran aka she abruptly told me to never talk to her again because I knew her secret. It was insane to see such a reaction in a effort to hide the truth. She blocked on facebook, didn’t answer her phone, even bolted off the site. I have been ditched before but this was on a whole other level and for entirely different reasons. I feared there was spiritual warfare amidst this, that as a result of what happened, a spirit may be binding her. Crazy right but it happens. I needed back up so I reached out to PD for her in prayer for her. I knew I met her for a reason, if not to at least pray against whatever spirit of fear that was binding her and keeping her hiding in darkness. It was a new and true test that only God can change the heart. I must pray.

Early in this month came a crazy Blizzard. I cant even tell you how high it was in the raw but to put it simply the snow level was past waste deep. Its like that. I never seen nothing like it. Total white out. It would have been so on point to go out in the middle of it and mess around but I totally didn’t have the clothes for it. When it finally settled, It was insane. People had to literally dig out their cars. I realized that day too I forgot to pay my rent. Of all the days to have to go out huh?! Lol. So I went out and stopped at the leasing office and marveled at the snow mountains all around. Fun times. On my way back, I just had to mess around just a little bit in there. So I found on of the biggest pile I could and did a running swanton into it. I had to swim just to get out. Awesome J After things were calming down after the storm, I finally had to go back to work. There one of my fellow co-workers suddenly asked me to pray for his dad who has frostbite in 7 of his finger tips and might have to have them cut off. It seemed mad serious and he was on the brink of tears. There was only a short couple day window for them to be saved. So I sent out the prayer request almost of all my peeps on my phone. The response was incredible. I had just realized how big of a Christian Prayer network I have. Its great. A couple days later, a miracle happens and his Dads fingers are saved, all but the thumb. 6 out of 7 aint bad when it looked like 0. Me and the others were so happy to hear but my happiness quickly turned to disappointment as I saw how my co-worker had went right back to his whatever attitude. He even spoke of how his dad was saying stuff like he didn’t care. They didn’t change even though God showed so much mercy. I started to think he left the thumb to get took off at least as a reminder to him of his mercy. The next day, he came up to me again, saying he truly believed in the power of the Lord. I didn’t believe him but he reported that it ended up being that all of his fingers where saved afterall. It was definitely a miracle. Still it was bittersweet to see them go back to being dirt even though the Lord did so much.

One day, a deep question hit me: Do you have a deep yearning for the Lord to where it makes you feel abnormal or different from those around you? I felt that way at times in how my love for God seems a lot of times. It just felt uncommon as others would seemingly look at me funny for caring so much. I wanted to ask others this so I sent out the question in a mass text to a bunch of Christian friends. After posing the question in text, my cousin, one of the people who got it, texted me back telling me to never text or e-mail her again. Shocked I tried to call her and find out why. Like usually she wouldnt answer the phone despite my many messages asking for peace. She was still distant about having told her it was not ok to be in a relationship with a non-believer a year ago. Seemed to be another case of the Anaconda vise. My mom called immediately afterwards. Ended up being that my cousin had been complaining to her instead of calling me to make peace and work through the issue. Like usual, my mom was clueless and continued with her trend of telling me I was the bad guy even though I did nothing wrong. Actually, I did exactly what she wanted me to do yet she was actually agreeing with my cousin to never talk to her again and leave it unresolved. This led to me and my mom getting into a big argument that ends with me hanging up on her. I was pissed at my cousin for being a child after I had tried for months pleading to make peace and talk. She texts me saying to never talk to her again and that she is not childish. She is a insane brat.

I finally come to the acceptance that she isn’t a Christian at all and never was as opposed to my wishful thinking. Funny cause that makes it so her getting married to the guy fine in the eyes of the Lord so there is nothing to object to. It sucks to be back in the position. Because of her ignorance Im back at odds with my mom and this time, I don’t care to fix stuff with my fam.

I had been reading that book, “I kissed Dating Goodbye” a lot. Good stuff that has challenged me a bit on my view of dating. In being in friend mode, I feel like I have finally been grounded and I have clarity on what to do. Suddenly I feel like I have clarity on how the dating process should work that is more solid as opposed to before. When the emotions were high, even the view I did have got shaky. Now I know how to follow thru. You have friend mode which you are just friend with no strings. Dating mode which is a short period of 3 or 4 dates; one solo, one with friends, and one with parents or spiritual mentors. After gathering info on whether they should go for way you make a decision. Then you can move to actually be in a relationship. In case of a long distance love scenario I came up with this thing called “super date”. Basically its where you take a weekend trip to the location your date is. Day one, you hang out with them solo then later in the day you chill with their friends and whatnot. Two dates in one day halfway. Then the next day, you go to church with them and run them through the wringer with the congregation, pastor or whoever. Ultimately you have a lunch after church with their parents or spiritual mentors and bam, you go home. A rather active and constructive weekend as If I do say so myself. Being in friend mode without the pressure and the distortion, I see clearly that I wouldn’t be able to develop anything more than friendship with most of my new connections. Whats crazy too is that if I look back I can see 4 months ago, I can see how the Lord was prepping me for this time. All the big brother stuff as well as the standard stuff was clearly for this season of which he has given me access to many women in need of a solid brother. Many where in locations where solid Christian men as examples where sparse if not weak theology. My help was needed and my prayers answered. I definitely need to and want to be in friend mode with any new girls I meet. I don’t even feel like I could sustain a real relationship right now with what on my plate to be real. I need at least a 1 to 2 month waiting period before I decide whether to pursue or not. These things take time and I need it. Overhearing some girls talk at work, lead me to realize how much Christians need to be pro active in making non Christian friends. They have no Godly influence which leads them to turn to foolish people for foolish advice. I have to step my be-friending game up. Lol

My boy Alan has had a conviction to fast from his computer for a month that he had been floating around for a while. Hearing his conviction challenged me to want to do the same. He had been on a roll lately in impacting me. After dealing with my situation with my cousin he says “Well I think God has given you the ability to teach. And teachers often have to ask tough questions. You may not like their response”. I was wowed. It really made me take a step back as it was true yet never really hit me. His words really brought to light the challenge I face. Crazy. I have been seeing in him a growing concern and desire to learn about discipleship. He too is getting prompted by the Lord that this needs to happen. We have been talking about it a lot at group. I recently had to debate him on how small group is not discipleship. Speaking of group, things have been improving there. I went on a service project with the guys from small group to a food pantry. I was surprised I was even off and available to be there. I was cool to be able to do and be able to bond with the group. Luke Waite was there too which was cool. I love messin with the Waite brothers. I woman started talking to me towards the end. Interestingly she was the most attractive one there. Just sayin. Lol.She asked why we were here. Taking advantage of the opportunity to find out what she was about I flipped it back on her. Come to find out that she was volunteering by herself to find purpose for her life. Interesting. She was seeking and it was a blatant witnessing opportunity that got laid out right in my lap. She said she was a recovering Catholic. She seemed very hopeful to see me again and continue to build. Because it came at the very end though, I didn’t have time to really build. I had not Gospel tracts and I felt awkward about asking for her number. I went for it anyways and asked if I could have her number to continue building. She wasn’t comfortable with that so I gave her mines. The rest of the day I was worried about whether I would here back from her ever. I felt like I bombed on explaining myself when I did the number part. I hope she does call someday though.

I have been over exhausting myself in my search on the website. I feel like I am searching for hope when I know in my heart that this is not the right time for me to be in a relationship nor is the Lord going to let it go down. Yet In my flesh, I keep pressing and its getting bad as I am wasting too much time on there. I have made some really good female friends but that’s as much as I am going to do and I am not even making that many as I would hope. It surprises me how many on there are fake or flak. Even the ones that seem mature are bogus in they wont respond to you unless you look a certain way or live in a certain place. Ironically, I am casting my net so wide and frequently on that site but I have a feeling Christ is going to come at the end of it after I am just about done and tell me to throw it over the other side and bam. Lol. I’m just tired and need to get some self control. That’s why this fast is such a good idea.

Once again the Lord has change my outlook/theology. I realized that though I had the mindset where I would date to marry I was too open in who I would allow myself to date and hence end up in marriage. I saw that too quickly based off little knowledge I would try to go out with a girl. Problem with that is I would essentially be trying to be in a relationship with the girl and do most of my recon work in that with all the benefit. That’s pretty bogus. Just in talking to some of the girls that I just been restricted to friendship with, there are things coming to light about them now after weeks of talking that I would halfway back away  from them if I was trying to holla. I see that this has to change. I should even be willing to date a girl unless I believe for the most part she is a woman I would marry versus could. As soon as that mindset really hit the ground in my head, most of them women that I was open to dating suddenly became inapplicable. Even looking back on women I have dated, I saw some who would make for a good wife but we didn’t line up otherwise while other would make for a good casual date but not a wife. Being and staying friends was going to be hard. I was going to have to place up better boundaries if I was going to be able to maintain it. I was now in a place where I could put women in the friend zone, something I couldn’t do very well before. But also I was able to place myself in the friend zone willing to lie in wait and see if they were truly right for me. It seems like suicide to intentionally place myself in the friend zone but I believe the right girl will let me out.

I randomly got hit up by two women around the same time. One who I tried to message a month ago but just was finally getting back to me as she had all but gave up on the site and barely checked it. Another, was one who I winked at but didn’t message. Sure enough that didn’t stop her from coming after me in seeing how straight up my profile was. Talking to both, they both seemed really great and both seemed really in to me. This really put a lot of stress on me both emotionally and spiritually. The women before were into me but that they still were chill about it. The last woman was super to where there was a lot of emotions involved, which took a big hit on me last month. That was just one, now there is two and I didn’t know how to handle it. It’s a horrible feeling to feel like you are juggling more than one woman as a Christian man. I was scared/worried for my heart and theirs. I struggled to make new boundaries or at least reinforce my old ones with this new dilemma. Unfortunately a lot it had already taken its toll on me. I was truly drained and in confusion on who to pick like I had a choice in the matter in the first place. Going into to my time of fasting, I completely bombed as I was immediate under attack from Satan in my flesh. Everything just compounded to really bring me super low. It didn’t help that at the time, My accountability partners had also flaked out. I wanted to bum rush into a relationship to end all the turmoil or just run from everyone and everything to escape the pressure. On my way back from group one night, my boy Matt out of nowhere in seeing I was hurting said lets pray. I was shocked that he suggested as it would have usually been me but more so shocked in that I felt unable. I felt weak and worthless in that moment as he prayed for me and I felt helpless. Sure enough though, the Lord had not let me go and I was able to talk to some people and get a kick in the butt to rise above. I made sure the boundaries were enforced on both and made a declaration to stand on my morals and hold to my integrity to not  pursue a relationship with anyone til at least a certain time of friendship. I wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship nor would I be the Godly man I portrayed myself to be if I didn’t stand strong. I had to honor these women, My Lord and my future wife and I wasn’t going to let Satan stop that.

In many ways I feel now is not the right time for me to be in a relationship period. At least though, this is a time where the building blocks can be laid. With all that has been happening, I must maintain my integrity if I am one day to find the one. I feel that clarity will come as to who that is if I can hold out in the friend zone. I don’t know how long I will be able to last in there with some of these women but… I believe he will give me strength to last long enough. As sure as I was thinking this though, the one woman who was seemed super into me picked up in intensity. She was straight forward and obviously an affectionate woman. I was really drawn in really bad I am weak to affectionate women as I myself as much that way myself. You feel like loved and appreciated much, something I don’t feel often and desire much. Affectionate people love to show that and love to receive it so it hard to control yourself when you get two together as they are super lovey dovey. I wrestled with my lustful draw to her. A primal desire came out of me and kept pulling me back to this woman like she was amazing when I really couldn’t tell. It was really just my flesh leading me and drawing me near as it knew she would feed its appetite. She made me feel distracted from God and my purity was in shambles. I kept failing as I kept succumbing to my flesh and saying things I shouldn’t have but she loved it and wanted it even though I said it wasn’t right. When I was away from her enough, my head got back into focus and I was able to see that her ways and everything about our connection went against everything the Lord was calling me to. She still tried to justify those desires with sweet comforting words and assurances. I knew it was wrong and I finally broke free and told her I couldn’t be around or with her. Unfortunately she was broken up about it but as I tried to plead with her about how things were wrong she justified her wrong actions. She was offended that I challenge her in that her overly affectionate attitude would lead men astray and was a danger to her and others. Indignant, she was repentant of her ways, showing she really was on that mess as she oked things that were not of the Lord. Some things may be good but at the wrong time, in the wrong amount it can be dangerous. She never learned this lesson.

I was broken over how things had went so wrong. I didn’t want to have anything to do with any woman yet the other girl I was talking to still bore with me in friendship. I was open with her about how I was feeling and she helped to keep my head towards the Lord. Building with her, It was weird. I really liked her and yet I didn’t feel distracted from the Lord in my attraction. I actually wanted to drawn near more. I felt a level of control I didn’t have with the other women. More and more in talking with her, she seemed to line up crazy style with not just what I desired in a Godly woman normally but needed for me personally. Yet my flesh fought against me again, making me question whether she was the right one as I always desired a tall women. I questioned whether getting with her was wise when I struggled with my affections for tall women so much. Was there a tall woman that would line up with me better that I could get the best of both? I felt like I was being mad carnal, which I was. I felt like my flesh was getting advantage of me as it was getting me to run away from that which was good to search for something to satisfy it instead. Talking to non Christian co-worker, they all told me to follow my flesh and hold out for the double whammy. Talking with Dan, he helped me to see that its not about that and gut checked me to help me to get my mind right. Praise the Lord. I felt in a better place as I had overcome that horrible mindset. She felt right so I decided to just go ahead with trying to ask her out.

Toward the end of the month, I was convicted at church to pray to have the ability to help others to understand God’s calling on their life and desire to live to their full potential, regardless of where they are in the love, passion, or understanding. It’s a dangerous prayer that has me both excited as I know the Lord will come through but afraid as in my flesh I am too lazy and don’t want the responsibility. I tried fasting from media for a week twice and failed as my flesh rose up against me. I was super under attack. I hadn’t had any accountability in a while so that made it worse as I had no back up. I was learning a lot and yet I felt under attack and bogged down. Time seemed to going so fast yet so slow in the last few months. Talking to these girls felt like weeks when it was only days. It has been insane how time has felt this year and I didn’t like it as all. Kinda like I was in the Hyperbaric Time Chamber on DBZ, go in for a day and it would feel like a year. Lol Even at that I feel like I have lost time. I feel off balance. The time I had before to play games, listen to sermons, read, etc seems all gone. I don’t even know what I am doing in a day to consume it like this. That’s why the fast was so important but Satan wasn’t havin it.

With each of those women, I felt like they were a test. In over coming each obstacle, I feel like I have more clarity than every before. It had been a emotional up and down two weeks towards the end. Same time though, in that time, I learned amazing things. My prayer requests for clarity came through as with the women, I had better discernment devoid of flesh to dictate direction. In the women I had already been talking to and the ones I just begun to, I had an immediate grasp on if things were possible and if they were able to easily let go. To prove it a 6ft tall girl local girl hit me up out of nowhere and I could have easily tried to holla but I saw right away she needed a brother, not the other. I just friended her and let go of the idea of anything more off rip. Crazy right. I feel stronger but still so weak in all the emotional drama that has occurred. I was off balance and I needed to gain it back. One thing is clear, the one girl feels right. Its no emotions, lust or anything clouding my mind… just peace in spirit like I never had before. I decided to actually ask her out on a date. Lets see how that goes. To be continued…

Gamble (Jan.2011)

The new year had begun!

And the villagers rejoice…. Hurray. Lol. This year, the word “favor” rung in my head as the title. While it should be a great word, it concerned me. What I had associated with the word favor over the years have changed to seem bad. Especially with PD’s prophetic words still haunting me I didn’t know how to take the way this might road. I was cautious. Knowing a prophetic may have really been given to me made me want to pray before making moves so that I make sure things didn’t wonk out at the wrong time. Just a day out of two out the gate, I talked to my boy about how he interceded with the guy I was talking to that night on New Years. He actually responded well as what I said gave him insight into something he never thought of. He had been coming at the guy from a technical/historical angle as that is what he is used too but the tech wasn’t what was binding him to Catholicism. It was the experience and he needed to meet him where he was.  It was a interesting thing that he was experiencing spiritual stuff but it was getting filtered or piggy backed off of Catholic rituals. I was just like how I heard the Prosperity gospel got piggyback at my friends church back in Detroit that year or so ago. He was thinking that the spiritual stuff was special to the Catholic way when it was a restricted version of what a average Christian experience everyday all around. More and more I was intrigued in how man can be so easily deceived just by throwing them slightly off the right direction. Satan was cunning indeed. I was thankful to be able talk to my boy and he actually understands and be blessed by what I was able to share. Even more thankful for the new door of friendship the Lord had open, not to mention that the year didn’t start out with my sword konking out.

So, I did something crazy. I decide to finally mess with the online dating for the hell of it to check what my options were. I know, Im insane. I had been frontin on my brother let alone all the people I had been meeting that did it. I don’t know, for some reason I felt like I should try it now. I wanted to max my scope before I officially gave up or just took the nicest girl I could get locally. I got to be honest, I couldn’t let go of the hope that the big body believer of my dreams might exist. Lol. I joined 3 different sites with way different results. I quickly got annoyed at their various lackings of search options, control, and the fact you had to pay to connect. I finally settle into the one or two I thought best. I wasn’t really “all in” so I didn’t even try to make a profile really or put my picture. I was just scoping for what was available and considering if I wanted to pursue. Ended up seeing mad different women I knew but wouldn’t holla at for the life of me. Ha! I got sucked up into the search. I halfway started to want to connect with the girls be their brother and not try to holla. I told Brittany and she clowned me for it. Lol. Saying “That’s like going to Red Lobster and not eating nothing”. I love having her back around J. Many of the women I noticed were new to the faith, super immature in their faith, desperate single mom, divorcees, and non Christian party girls who just wanted a “nice guy”. They needed direction more than they needed a date. There were barely any legit Christian women with a seeming sense of direction or passion for Christ as many of the profile just list all their fun things they want out of guy and no word of Christ. There were some good ones though. Thankfully and unfortunately for me, one of the sites had criteria you can search for by height and body type. So I ended up doing a big body search randomly and was shocked to find my dream girls. Lol. After a while, I noticed that my flesh was taking over and I was just picking based off of who was cute and dateable. Not cool. I was convicted and decided to be serious about this instead of dinking around. I figure if I am going to do this, I might as well do it right. So I started working on a more legit profile which actually has actually made me really try to figure out my “hobbies & interests”. I was very straight forward and clear about the kind of woman I needed and it was made blunt and long. I knew it could act as a flesh filter of sorts to scare away any flaky women that just looked into me because I was cute. Hey… it happens. Lol. Now I was all set to see how this whole online dating thing would work out. I felt hopeful.

I want to lose weight really really bad but I don’t know how to. Especially in now trying to seek a bit on the site, I didn’t want to be carrying around this extra fluff I had accumulated from my depressing previous year. What is making things bad is that I feel like even if I change my diet I will essentially still not lose weight fast enough. I must say, doing the online boy aint helping with the feeling self conscious thing. I feel like its pointless to start if in the end I cant make weight in a reasonable amount of time. I know if I change my diet, that I will lose weight slowly but that’s not good enough for me. I know the only way to lose it quicker if to workout hardcore but I don’t feel like my body can or will hold out. I only did a half hour of P90x a couple days back and the next day my legs felt like lead. I cant have this be the case every time with working going on fulltime. I have no recovery time so it would kill me at work as I would be walking around in pain all the time on the inside. All it feels like is excuses to me but I keep faltering in resisting my flesh in eating and not working out. I really have to pray for change. I hope being in small group again for accountability will help.

It was great finally getting back to Small Group. The guys were happy to have me back and I was happy to finally be there again. The accountability and more straight forward bible study that I longed for I finally had. Being back in Small Group was great indeed! Alan talked me up to the group in how I helped him and made me feel made awkward. Its never easy getting praised for something you know the Lord did. All I end up doing is giving a “are you crazy?” look. Lol. I was actually getting accountability now which was great. One of the first things I knew I had to get on was staying away from pizza and ice cream. With them holding me accountable, I was actually keeping away from it which is the most I had done in the longest time. It had become such a habit to get Culvers and Pizza weekly. It sadden me to see that it had gotten so bad in frequency because of my depression. Exercise was going to be tough though and I could tell. I still needed to lock down a set schedule as the guys need something specific to hold me to for that. Even with no pizza and ice cream, I am still eating crap though in other ways as my flesh is adapting. So I need to fix that, especially with the lack of exercise. I finally know my weight now so now I got a point to work from and I can chart my progress. Good times.

I reached one of my old running buddies to find out how he was doing. I didn’t think there was going to be much as he had a rep for being always on point when it came to things of the Lord though he had his flaws. Come to find out that his year went exactly like mines. I was trippin. He is one who has the same spiritual gifting as me but definitely has a different background and lifestyle. It was trip hearing him expound how God worked him over and his responses as it was just like me but happening to a guy that I would never see it coming to. It seemed that the Lord was teaching him a similar lesson to prep him for the teaching ministry as well. In talking, it became clear to us that the Lord put us through this in order to help us know the depth what our gifting requires. We needed to know and understand the depths of our own sinfulness and God’s grace/love in light of that that we might be able to properly tarry those who needed to be taught. I realized how big the power was of our gift or a spiritual gift period to where it required this level of breakage from God to mold us to use it properly. God had given us a supernatural ability that our natural self could never handle. A powerful sword that in the hands of our natural self we would immediately use for wrong unless the Spirit put us in check. Shades of PD’s prophetic speech echoed in my mind. I was deeply encouraged as well as challenged as he was the flipside to the same coin. While his looks and life put him center stage to a outward look of successful, I was on the opposite end. Yet both of us suffered from the same weakness that played out differently in our social context, leaving us to feel alone and misunderstood. I am really starting to see a pattern with these Teacher types. Lol. Knowing the Lord was working in him too, I was hopefully for what the future held when we would be able to fight in all out warfare. Still, something he said frightened me and left me with a cold reality. That if we really knew the fight ahead we probably would opt out quickly. I thought to myself and knew it was true. If what we face now was just amateur hour with him just slowly working us with prelim stuff, then the raw war zone would be a nightmare. For years, we had been ready to say “put me in the game coach”, so eager, yet I can tell the level of drama, work, and most of all outright Satanic opposition is going to be far greater then we ever realized.

I had to work with the girl from the Christmas party. Interestingly I sparked up conversation with her. I ended up on the subject of what she was looking for in a man. I was curious to see what she would say. I had a theory I wanted to prove. Based off my experience with sites, it seemed that women had differing preferences when it came to looks and interests they wanted in men but they did want the same general traits in a man across the board.  She picked exactly what I knew she would. I took the listing of traits and discovered that those traits by default lined up with a Godly man walking in biblical manhood. Interesting indeed. Another thing that was crazy I learned from the sites is that women in their flesh knew what they wanted but didn’t know what they needed spiritually much at all. Most had this huge list of what they liked worldly wise but in getting a guy that was all about that the more they were playing into Satan’s hands and not knowing it. So they would have a guy that would fulfill them in the world but lead them to death spiritually as he had no spiritual cred but willingness to attend church and say he loved God. Further talking with ole’ girl she showed that same lack of understanding. I ended up finding out way too much about her sex life. I cringed and wanted to run away from her in horror of her sinful ways, not because she was sinning though, just the way she talked about it like it was ok. I treaded carefully and talked ethics with her. I found that I have the ability to argue ethics really good without mentioning Jesus and that I can use “Inception” to plant concepts in their head without directly saying it. I am getting too crazy with this stuff. lol. She revealed a terrible story of the only guy she loved. He used her and abused the mess out of her. My heart ached for her. I wanted her to understand her worth so bad. To come to Christ and know she is loved. I tried giving her words of encouragement. I wish for her, like all women, I could help them to see their worth in Christ before they get railroaded by men. Same time in hearing her story, I was once again reminded of how easy it is to manipulate a woman to get what you wanted. That’s what made it so much of a temptation, it was easy. Me understanding what I do about the ways of man makes it even worse as I know I can get what I want if I wanted it. It scares me and makes me sick that I am capable of doing it. Not in the sense that I would do it but in sense of capable that I have that ability to be able to period. I hate myself for knowing what I would do if my flesh took over.

Met up with a friend and challenged him to step up in his walk. I was honest with him and told him how I see his life going and asked him how that settled with him. That there was more for him to do by embracing the roles God entrusted to all of us. Like stepping up to be more than a brother to his sisters but a spiritual brother as well. Helped him to understand that it wasn’t about trying to change himself but letting God do it. That if he changed his perspective on how he looked at things that he would naturally see opportunities and do thing different in the lifestyle he already is in. If he held the thought that he had to do it himself he would just look for things to do himself and if he didn’t have the time to do a major bible study or rearrange stuff in his life then he would just give up on change. I compared his need for adjustment to a guy who bowls being told by another to slightly adjust his wrist in a certain way when he rolls. That slight change leads to them being really good suddenly. In them being better at the game, they get more excited about it and naturally out of passion that has grown they make changes in their life in alignment with that. Like the bowler suddenly trying to build gear, work out in a certain way to be better at his toss, or even joining a league. Pretty good analogy if I say so myself. I told him to pray for himself for heart change. Listened to his issues with his girl and mom again and realized that mom might be struggling from the Anaconda vise. I told him the solution which I knew would be hard for him to share with his girl. So I called her there and then to explain to her what she needed to do. Crazy me

I felt like I am doing a risky gamble. Like I was betting on my chances of getting a mature woman versus going with the trained one; playing the odds since the Lord was keeping me from dating as I pleased. That’s sounds horrible and it is. I just am really confused as I feeling I am losing as sense of how this is suppose to work. All my chips have to go on one even though it may crap out on me. Talking to Robbie, I discussed the problems I had with my dating dilemma. He understood as I explained the pickle I was in. He just tried to reassure me to look for a girl that was already mature as opposed to trying to build up a mini me. I realized my problem was that I could literally mold almost any applicable girl into what I wanted her to be because of my Teaching gift. It was a power I didn’t think many guys share which particularly puts me in an awkward position. Make the perfect girl from scratch or find one that was already there. Because I hold to the belief there is no “the one” but simply a choice of whoever you want, it made it so the choice was harder as I could settle anytime I wanted. Based off of my situation, all I have to do to be married is find the hottest girl with potential and teach her to be a Godly woman. While she wouldn’t be able to keep up with me at first, she would eventually and I would be set. That knowledge of being able to do that made it so that I could settle with anything really. On the flipside, I could hope there was already a mature girl in alignment with me. The problem with that is less options as there are few and the ones available are mad picky when it comes to ministry direction. Most of them want to be missionaries everywhere and my missionary calling to the burbs is not that appealing but to the immature who want to settle anyways. That killed my options bad. When I talked I kept saying how “I could” make these girls or people do this that or whatever. As I told Robbie about the prophecy, he made a observation that the power I had was the molding thing kinda that I was taking the cred for. In that instant, I realized I was doing what the prophecy foretold. I was taking credit and ownership of this power to make people whatever as my own skill or ability. I was shocked. I realized just how out of control powerful this gift really was. I could really mold or manipulate people however I wanted as I had crazy insight into peoples weaknesses and not only how to empower them but, if used in accordance with my sinful nature, how to exploit them. I was afraid as it was too much for me. I would especially screw up if I used this in accordance with the church without clear direction from the Lord. I felt the pressure of the true gravity of my… his power I was given. I had to be humbled or I would lose control.

As I continued to go on the dating site, I started to realize more what was happening to women. They were not coming into the true understanding of their personal ministries in Christ and were jumping into crappy relationships too soon. As a result, they ended up just following the man and piggy backing off of his purpose without having their own. Essentially following man, not Christ in a way. What made it worse is if they got a guy who wasn’t sure of himself in what he was suppose to be doing and then she would have no lead period and hence the coasting couples. It explained so much and it made me so mad as I felt powerless to stop it. I didn’t want to know anymore. I was so pissed off in how this system of events was screwing women over so bad to make bad choices unknowingly. I felt like Lecrae’s line “Take me out the game coach. I don’t wanna play no mo, if I cant go out there and leave all out on the court.”. Great depression set in as the weight of this knowledge came down on me with no solution for me to stop it. The biggest problem I saw was that, even if you were unwise in choosing the relationship, it can and still will work. Being that you can fall in love with anybody even a horrible person, your covered. You will just be no the wiser at how you just played yourself short. The new info I had learned flooded me while I was at church and I was super overwhelmed.  I broke down as I got crazy paranoid of everyone and everything in the church. The problem that faced me seemed too big to handle as I especially knew people would not believe me or want to do anything about it. Asking one of the elders to pray for me, he asked for the Lord to give me clarity about this stuff. Not what I was hoping for as the clarity was what was causing me to freak. He told me whatever is may be too big for me so I might have to tell the church and get their help. He was right. The problem is that church has never helped in the past but just blown me off as a nut. I knew this is what was special about here, they might listen.

I had sent my Pastor an old  essay I did on Evangelism I did a few years back. After reading it I saw that its concepts still hold up today. Great to see that I was so knowledgeable back then. While at church the following Sunday,  my pastor said we could get together and talk about it soon. I also passed on to him this DVD I just got called Divided. Randomly found it online. More so checked it out cuz it had Paul Washer in it but it hit on a the interesting subject of the trouble with Youth Ministry. It really hit come and I was curious as to what my Pastor’s thoughts would be. There, I also ran into one of the guys I had been building with for weeks at church. I challenged him about his relationship with one of the girls at church as talking to him it seemed it had no direction and bad foundation from their BC era. I used my past year experience as a example and challenged him on the need to learn his identity and ministry direction before continuing with relationship. The following Sunday, I ran into his girlfriend and shared with her too my concerns about her relationship, trying to share with her what the Lord was teaching me. She really wanted to hear but at the same time felt I they already had everything worked out. I didn’t feel like she was understanding totally but I didn’t have time to finish. I was halfway scared of her bf getting mad I talked to her on my own. So eager to hear what the Lord was teaching me and placed on my heart, she asked me to meet up with them both to talk more. It went well, surprisingly, as they listened. They understood my concerns and were thankful for being spoken to about it. Asking how things were going for me, I ended up talking about discipleship and they were amazed. It was the first time I said it out loud to another in the whole and it made so much sense and was so clear. I could really see it ignited a passion to see change. I love meeting hungry and willing believers like them.

I was randomly convicted sometime this month to reach out to some people. I remembered there were 3 people I had unforgiveness towards of whom I never talked about in them having hurt me. I had been struggling in forgiving them and I wanted to let it go. I thought reaching out to them to tell them of my hurt help make things better. In reaching out to one she responds in a way that is upsetting. Responding back, a mutual friend of that person tried to rebuke me lowkey by sending me a bible verse and not explaining why. I got real angry as I saw that she had not only told about it to others but was unwilling to man up enough to speak to me herself. I see this continued shielding from her peeps from admitting her fault and keeping her weak and seen at the victim. My reactions came from her mess and I admit my reactions were bad but she can never seem to admit she was out of line for starting mess in the first place. Others though, surprisingly responded in remorse. It was tough dealing with things like this. I saw how upset it made me that they treated me the way they did or just out right refused to deal with our issues. I had to really pray that I might let it go but it would take time.

The pressure from trying to juggle all the women from the site was driving me loco. It felt messed up. Its not that I was being a playa and intentionally messing with hearts. I was trying to be a friend/brother first yet hopes still arised and I could feel it. I super don’t like the feeling of drawing near to so many women at once even though it was in friendship. More so because that friendship was tainted as we both were curious about more. My buddy at work didn’t understand why I was trippin at all. He just says you aren’t married so its cool but hearts and hopes are getting worked up. Its not cool. I felt like I was freaking out. I just wanted to find a girl and have all the turmoil stop as oppose to continue to exhaust myself in all these ways with various people. I am tempted to want to give into my flesh and just ask out a girl I know I can get but not suppose to holla at. I was struggling with whether there is a “one” and you have to wait on God but how or do you pick yourself. I came to a place of peace tho on it. I accept that I am different and because of that even if I tried to holla at a girl, God would stop it to keep me for his “one”. So while other may be able to choose I cant so much

On the site I ended up meeting this one local girl. She is the Most Godliy woman I had meet yet. She seemed to blow my standards out the water which is a trip as the last woman I tried to date was so mature. I had lost hope for a second on being on there that I would have to settle for less but she made me reconsider things. In talking to her more and more, we got super excited about each other as we hadn’t met another of the opposite sex that was so on fire for such a long time. I decided to throw all my chips on the table if it’s a once hitter quitter situation. I ask out her and say if she and I are both given the go head for a relationship that we go all the way, One date. A major gamble. I was putting a lot of hope in her being the one and getting the go head to be in a relationship finally. If it didn’t work out with her, I would keep looking and I didn’t want that but I had other women in mind. I didn’t want to look elsewhere. In building with her in such a short time, she seemed so good for me in so many ways that if this wasn’t it I half way wanted to go into full one gambler mode. Like I was just going to throw myself at whoever and see what stuck as he never let me pick myself. I know God is laughing as I feel like I am trying to make a back up but I see that this is truly a gamble. With how good everything was looking, I had the thought that by the end of the month I might finally have a GF.

The Lord finally broke me and convinced me there is one “chosen one” for his peeps. Most times with people talking about there being a “one”, I would play it off. I knew it was bogus as most just choose out of their flesh and a feeling versus real discernment hence all the divorces. The reason many don’t find them is because they go based off their flesh. Huge problem is that you can make a relationship or fall in love with anybody and it work. God can let you be with someone of your choosing over his, it just comes with unforeseen price. Because he can still redeem the relationship if you don’t choose his way, you halfway don’t have to go with his pick versus your own. Going based off your own judgment, which is usually bogged down by many worldly desires, leads to selection of the closest person to what you want vs what you need. Putting it in Gods hands takes you preference out the picture as even if they are your dream date, its in his hands if it’s a go or not. I wanted to relegate it to God only letting you choose within a specific mature level so that you are not unequally yoked but it didn’t work. God doesn’t give you a selection of options in his will to do, there is one thing and anything else is wrong. Its hard to accept this teaching but I see it to be true

I seem set to go on a date with the one girl but things change. I see we are too close especially for it not even being our choice. Being that our hearts are too entangled I ask to postpone the date to the following week. Gives us time to come down off that high and have clear discernment. It also gave me time to make sure the right one wasn’t still on the site. I was winked at by the pretty and tall girl randomly that I never seen. I had to check it out. Talking to her, its like I was meant to talk to her as from her finding to me thinking she was beautiful was a crazy coincidence. I feel like I was meant to talk to her but for what purpose I was nervous. Physically, she was what I always hoped for, a big body believer. Yet I didn’t have peace in talking to her. She didn’t compare spiritually to the other girl. I didn’t have peace continuing to look period. I saw that I really gave her hope as she actually felt very self conscious about her height and I was the first guy that was super Godly and loved tall girls she met. My heart was crushed as I hated that I couldn’t fill the role for her and other girl. I hated their hearts was so entangled and had so much hope in me being the one. It was bad. I didn’t want to seek anymore, I just wanted it to be over and know who was the right one. I knew that it was between these two women. Ultimately I only felt peace and moreso drawn to the other girl vs the tall one. I saw the problem with the site was that it instantly put you in holla mode to where you got your heart tangled up quick because you was so poised to pounce. You didn’t have friendship as a really option as it was tainted from the get go. It did let you reach out to people you could reach though which was good. After all that, I ask the one girl to move our date back to the original time to find out sooner than later whats the deal. Thinking in the long run, She was worried about if marriage came into play, as it is ultimately the purpose of dating, having to move to the burbs as opposed to stay in the city. Though she lived closer than any of the other girls I tried to holla at, this still was seemingly a problem and she seemed poised to stay put. She finally broke though and wished to follow me if I was the lead. I think she is the one as I feel better about her as opposed to the other girls but I still don’t know.

My pastor did a sermon on Evangelism and Repentance. I think it was in react to my e-mail. Later he notified me he finally red it want wanted to talk. He thought my paper was good but didn’t like the tone of it. He wanted to correct my tone to make the paper or what I wanted to say which needed to be heard  something people would read as opposed to just be offended. I agree with some of the suggestions he made about redirecting negative focus. While it would put on the defensive some, it would also excite the hearts of others that know what I’m talking about similar to Paul Washer. The prob though is that half the time, those who get aroused get in enraged and it is used to fuel their frustration against those who don’t step up aka they riot. There is a way to appeal to both crowds and I see that but it’s a really thin line between catering to the flesh and not. I don’t like to talk PC but speak in general in an overarching way. Those who feel me know that I am not talking about the whole of humanity. Others though will nit pick especially the DTs. He seemed to get the impression that I was a possibly abrasive or combative minister when it comes to the Gospel based of the tone of the paper. Problem was that it was a 2 year old paper and I had upgraded a lot since then. Questioning my motives for ministry, I went off on him in a half hour rant about my love for God, people and my desire to see them grow. A lot came out as it came from the heart. I took advantage of the opt to make my play to talk about making a Discipleship program, Street team and allowing me to teach. He told me that I had to be a member first to teach.

That I would have to become a member and put together proposals for the programs which he wanted to see. Membership was important though as he wanted to make sure I was committed to the church and willing to submit to their leadership. Being that I would be representing them in doing all this it made sense. The problem I had was how hard it be to get membership as I still had no car to reach the classes nor do I have a solid schedule that would allow me to make it every time. Worse is that his standpoint seemed to cater to the flesh too much. He wasn’t a guy that I didn’t believe would call you out but he had too much of a viewpoint that we control how peoples heart move. This concerned me a lot especially in trying to water me down.

The days before the date, ol girl called and told me she was confronted by multiple people at random that wanted to pray over her and told her to fall back in love with God. They didn’t even know that she was talking to me so it was more than a coincidence. Listening to her crying and freaking out if we should date, I realized what they warned was right. We were moving too fast and lost focus on the Lord. We went from being 50/50 on whether the Lord would ok things to being 95% sure based off our own desires. I told her to pray about thing and that we would see what happens. At that point, in all the stress I was going through, both of us were at the end of our rope. I just wanted to give up and try to holla at every girl I knew out of rebellion as I know I would fail every time. I questioned why the Lord had kept me like he did. I didn’t ask for it yet as opposed to other people I could not date at random. Either I had some higher purpose I didn’t know about or the girl on the other end had been praying for me to be this way for a long time. The next day, peace seemed to come over her and she dispelled a plan of action that seemed to be from the Lord. That we fallback seeing how we didn’t get the friend period like we should. Not make any hasty choices but over the course of maybe months, build and visit each other to learn. Basically visit her over the course of time to meet everybody in her life, Pastoral staff included to go through the wringer courtship style. I knew it was right yet I was frustrated as I was so tired. In the course of the month, I had already exhausted myself much heartwise. I didn’t know if I had more in me to do this kinda thing especially with the outcome being not based on our decision even. This just added to the stress of what to even do for church. This was good though as it gave me time to build with her in chill mode yet still be able to talk with the other girls I knew without stress. I wasn’t going into holla mode with the other girls yet talking to them I was going to need some breathing room on all sides. Either way, we had prayed much already that the Lord would give us clarity when we met. The build up and level of prayer that went into that was too great so one way or another, when we meet, we will know whats up.

The day of the date, she randomly changed her mind… again. She was scared and didn’t want me to come even though the day before she was super insistent on it.

Annoyed, I told her to suck it up and I went anyways. It actually really easy to get her surprisingly. Good to know its that easy to get around the city. Meeting her, she wasn’t what I expected. Her attitude seemed to be off and things just didn’t feel right. On top of that, she was really pushing slowing things down even further which would essentially equate to me barely talking her. I agreed as what we had prayed for came into focus; she wasn’t it. We took a train back to the downtown area. Sitting across from each other, she was curious if the seat I had was heated. It was but she didn’t give me much time to verify. She immediate jumped to a seat on the opposite side of the exit doors. Sitting there, she motioned for me to come sit next to her on the small two seater. I refused as I knew that would put me way too close to her especially being that she was saying we had to just be friends and pull back. I didn’t want to give the wrong impression. Still, it was awkward us going around together and not sitting with each other. Sure enough we went back and forth trying to motion each other to come to where we were but neither of us would move. Ironically, it felt like a image of what our relationship would be and a warning. Just seeing how we were, I just felt all wrong about stuff and I knew the Lord was humbling us. In the end, I went to where she was sitting in a seat in her location. We went to a book store and she showed me a book on Christian dating, I knew I needed to check out. As the date ended, I knew she wasn’t the right person for me even though so much was build up before hand. I felt foolish.

I realized what the Lord was teaching me. I was humbled as I jumped the gun with my feeling as I had most women. Remembering back to my last date, one thing that stood out about her is how much she was able to stay emotionally neutral. She liked me, thought I was hot, and even had confidence in the Lord working in me for the future yet she remained neutral, not getting her hopes up too much or her heart too attached. I felt like I just learned that move as my heart returned to normal. I needed this heart punch maneuver to keep myself in check as with the greatest hope I might find in a woman can still be wrong in God s eyes. He reminded me of that. It was hard lesson but one I think, me and her had to learn as we would have both been like Israel getting a king if we ever got together. Falling back, I decided to give us some space to balance back out. I also decided to move forward with looking into other women but with the right heart and mindset. I wasn’t going to exhaust myself like before. It was funny because I realize, being so focused on these girls actually helped like mad purity wise as my mind was so jumbled I didn’t think anything about impure stuff. Funny

I see that I am started to get really depressed. Over the course of 3 days, I seemed to be worsening. I don’t have the urge to do anything but sleep and eat. I feel so off.

I tried to reach out to a bunch of people but I couldn’t get anybody to chill with me to help get me out the funk. Finally I had a talk with one friend that really encouraged me.

I came to realize something. With the women I had been talking to, it truly felt like I was gambling. Like I was playing the odds on who I had the best chance with. I felt like I was playing the odds because that all I had to go on being that I couldn’t just choose. So basically it was who had the best odds of getting past the God block. The thing is my flesh was driving me to want to bet it all once I found a good bet for a woman. Translation; my flesh made me go hard in flirting and building with the girl and opening my heart. I wanted a sure thing and as quickly as possible as I could tell. So with my flesh getting me to let my guard down, my advances were totally for real and straight from the heart. Problem is my heart is in cahoots with the rest of me to destroy me. This would lead to not only me getting worked up but the girl as well sincerely but all too quickly and with little to no knowledge. So when the sure bet craps out, it’s a big lose on both our parts. But because my flesh is so intent on destroying me, just like an addicted gambler, I try again by moving on the next bet. It sounds so messed up and it is. I have to slow down. I have to be in friend mode and not play all my cards at once. Its crazy important as I will build up the girl as well as myself to only have a big fall as the Lord can and will stop it before the climax. It will exhaust us both to build that kind of hope and then lose it. I have to take my time and see how things play out because I literally don’t know. The Lord is constantly reminding me that no matter how good the odds are, he still controls the out come. With how my flesh has been workin me over so easily and deceivingly, it works out that the Lord has been putting up the guard rails for me. While in many ways it is a blessing as I would have been jacked a long time ago, it still remains hard to accept. Honestly, either I have a huge destiny ahead of me or wifey has been praying that I be kept since her youth and has bound me ever since. Lol. Could be both. All I know, is what the deal is for me is not normal for anybody let alone Christians.

Visited my old church again. Every time I go back, I am more and more impressed by their advancements. Seems the new pastor is really putting in work for sure. My old buddy there is teaching and he looks great. Seeing him do what he was doing, I hoped to one day be able to do the same. I know I would be already if I was still going there too. As always, they were trying to convince me to come back. They love having me there. They keep thinking I just left because the old pastor wasn’t that good. Even at that, that it was because the church was so behind in stuff while they are now advancing like crazy. They don’t realize it was never about all that but simply theological differences, differences that are probably never going to change. Even with the ops there, I couldn’t support their view nor would the things the Lord taught me or how I roll mess well with their style of church. I know I was where I needed to be but it was still good to be in close contact with them.

I went with guys from my group had suggested I go to a Men’s Conference that was going to happen. I saw that it is going to be hard going back to being around old crowd as now as opposed to before I know who I am and how wrong they are. Before they made me feel crazy as I felt something was wrong but they oked everything. Now that I know for a fact that I am not crazy and a lot of their ways are wrong though the might be slow to see it, I feel a sense of arrogance. Like I will look down on them now in the disgust and try to use my new knowledge to make them look foolish. I super need to pray for humility and love toward them. Going there it was interesting to run into some old friends but also spotting the not so much friends in the crowd too. I didn’t know how it would pan out having that many men singing but boy was it heartfelt worship. I took a class on both prayer and struggles with sin. Both rocked me as they seemed to address what I was lacking in and hit on things I needed to hear. I was challenged to begin working to figure out the discipleship plan again. For days I prayed and walked through what needed to happen as far as the discipleship. I took notes and wrote out a diagram with many of the details. After a couple days, I decided to pick up the discipleship book that I had been reading that I had fell off from reading a few weeks back. To my shock, everything the Lord taught me was already spelled out in this book. Looking further, even the SAME DIAGRAM. Its was scary, sick, and awesome at the same time. It was like I was made the book a long time ago and sent it back to the future. It was sick because the book is uber old too. The fact that there was another of whom the Lord moved in the same was mind bottling. Lol.  Everything was set to go, all I had to do was follow the instructions.

I finally heard back from some people this month too to complete the circle. My little brother is talking to me again which is great but my cousin I just found out is not for some reason. She got engaged but didn’t want to tell me because she knew I didn’t approve of her relationship. On the other hand I finally talked to one of my last female buddies who was on the fence. We are restored finally as we start anew. The last restoration job I had on my plate came through thanks to the Lords working. Still may be something on the horizon with people I don’t expect. I was pretty exhausted from all the activity so soon in the first month of the new year. Scares me to think what else is up if this is just the beginning, I mean what are the odds huh? lol

Would You Kindly… (Dec. 2010)

Yo,

Going into this month, I feel like I am in Big brother mode. Its weird. Its almost feels like the game Bioshock. Toward the end of the game, the main character had to turn into this huge protector called a Big daddy and help save/escort these little sisters. I feel the same in many ways. Like earlier in the year, I am having my fair share of lady interactions but its with a different heart than last time. Its not about a possible date but just raw ministry even though I still wrestle in my flesh with the desire to have more a wife. I am thankful for this change. The Lord has opened and reopened a lot of doors recently. I heard back from the church I had problems with earlier in the year. When contacted by one of the old contacts there, the way he spoke made it seem like he didn’t know the fully extent of what happened off the decisions made. I need to hear what he thinks happened and then address him from there. At the end of the day, I got punished for what wasn’t even the original problem while accuser seemed to go untouched. I don’t know. I have to get a better grasp on what exactly went down. I asked to set up a new meeting with just me and him. On a side note, I ran into one of my old buddies from collage at Meijer. Got to catch up with him about things and it was pretty nice to see him again. He seemed afraid to go to deep in a way because I could tell he knew I would want to share Christ. He wanted to avoid the subject hardcore. I felt troubled that he had that stance. It hurt still seeing be ignorant toward the Lord and confront the truth. I could only pray things would change in time.

I thankfully got all my Christmas shopping done off of the spending spree I had last month so Im covered on gifts. Though I might have jumped the gun on the purchases being there will be mad sales later this month, it was whatever. Usually all the stuff I want to get they never have on sale anyways. I think I moreso got the gift for people because I actually came up with a gift idea for them that they would like. It was not too often I could do something for them and I wanted to. I ended up leaving out people like Josh, Erin, and my little brother as I couldn’t think of what to get them as well as on top of that I couldn’t get it to them in the first place. Robbie got my The 4400, the complete series, on DVD boxset. That was pretty sweet gift idea. He was tired of me comparing all the new shows to the amazingness of The 4400. lol. Now it’s a matter of seeing if I can get him to watch it with me. He probably wont being that he is so wishy washy with his DVD boxset attention span. Lol Unfortunately he got me into his Law & Order:SVU addiction. He bought dang near every season and was watching it all the time. After a while in going into his room to talk to him, he would end up watching a bit and get caught up. It was Boy meets World all over again. Lol. I must admit, it was more interesting than I even though. Makes me feel old watching it though. I don’t want to end up being one of those old people who have nothing to do or watch and sit around and just watch SVU marathons on USA all day aka my dad. By God’s grace I wont. lol

When I got back to my crib from Detroit, I set up a meet with one of the girl I was talking to recently. I was super worried in that she would take things the wrong way as she was one who seemed to like me. Even though I cleared things up with her, I still didn’t know her state of mind in coming. I was committed to being a brother and I wanted to support her so I took my chances, feeling I could do crowd control of the situation anyways. I had to pray before like mad though as I was worried she was creepy or would be overly emotionally. The result was that she ended up being a female version of me.  I listened to her story was shocked to hear she had the same experience in the church, same discernment, even got connected to the same churches and people. She also had a anxiety problem and fell short in the social arena which lead to her many misadventure in the land of suburbia like me. And like me she felt like she was crazy and was struggling to figure things out. I just had a couple years on her in having figured out the system more. So if what I had was Diabetes she would be type1 while I would be type3. I was welcome surprise. I shared my experiences as well which acted as a learning to tool for her. She finally had someone who understood around. I encouraged in knowing that it was for a reason. She seem safe enough aka stable and not obsessive to build with. Lol. I looked forward to building with her as her brother. A funny thing she said made me think. She mentioned that she felt like she might have a calling to be a teaching in the church aka that she had the gift of teaching. Her background made her feel like she had the same gifts as me. I wonder if my kind of background is a prerequisite for those kinda spiritual gifts. Lol. The Lord had blessed me to meet someone that I could really encourage and definitely be an encouragement to me.

Hanging around work, I noticed a ghetto white security guard working a show. I saw how he connected with a fellow Mexican co-worker over how hot there girls were. I could tell he wanted me to chime and hoped his ghetto demeanor would net a instant connect. He was wrong. I know a lot of time, non Christians don’t know how to take me if they don’t know me. Most guys will instantly try to connect over sports and women. When the see I don’t respond, they cant help but think I am either gay or tightly wound, never guessing that I am Christian. Half the time they don’t think Christians really do that being at most people and possibly even themselves claim to be yet never care. When all was said and done, I was disappointed that I couldn’t connect with the guy like my co-worker. I would have liked to have got close to be able to witness but with me not knowing sports and having boundaries on women, it didn’t seem possible. I want to be able to connect with people loosely to share the Gospel or be a Godly influence but it truly is hard for one as socially handicap as myself. Yeah, sometimes I get lucky but not most. I want to be better at this. Makes me halfway want to force myself to be into sports just be able to use it as a gateway to witness. If only I knew how to better tap into the universal questions I would be good but unfortunately I can never think of anything. In meeting a new person though, I see that you can get really close really quick if you know their passion and speak to it. For guys its usually sports, cars, or women. For women…. Honestly I have no clue as it all over the place. Lol. All I know if that I wish I had a better point of ref to build in the natural to move the spiritual.

Finally going back to church, I didn’t feel at home. Hadn’t been to my church in 3 weeks because I had to work early Sunday morning recently plus being out of town. Once again I feel detached from church. Like it is a obstacle and not a help. Being there most people seem in their own world. While worship and tithing is good, at times I feel that’s all I am there for. Paying to sing with people like it a karaoke bar.lol. It halfway feels like church is not meeting me where I am at, with any opportunities to grow on mission. Like before, when I was younger in my faith, the sermons grabbed me because I didn’t know better and I was hungry. Now they just say watered down versions of what I already know. Even though their sermons don’t stir me as much, I don’t blame the pastors as their sermons are solid. To be honest, the only pastor to say sermons that have rocked me consistently every time is Matt Chandler. All I can seem to get and have to wrestle through is my frustration with the people of whom are hard to connect as while they are yet Christian they still are very touchy about talking about the spiritual. Honestly at times its feeling like your the only one in a sea of Christians that is fighting the main battle or fighting like there is a war in the first place. At that its like nobody sees it or is too afraid to fight/help. Feeling like I am in warfare nonstop, I get so weak and their attitude makes me feel like nobody understands me though the might act like or think they do.There are not many programs where I feel I can plug in and go further. It kinda goes back to the idea that at some point everyone who is mature has to outsource for deeper stuff elsewhere. Because of all the church politics and overall lack of movement by the church in many areas, I have felt like it has been more of a hindrance than help. It sucks to feel that way.

With the two girls I now have in my life, it seems like they are like training wheels for learning to do the bigger task ahead. Both need a big brother and it seems my presence in their life has definitely effected them for the better. More and more I feel like I am being put to the test to further learn and understand how I and others should navigate this situation. That the Lord has put me through this so that once again I might live what I preach, from experience and not just revelation. I have helped counsel, support, and teach them in time where it seems they have really needed it. Both girls seem to test me to learn how to handle the big brother system under two different situations; One where the girl being looked after doesn’t like you more than a friend but you are attracted to her and one where she is into you but your not. Neither rises to the standard I learned about, by God’s grace, for proper partner for me and at the same time both are in a place where dating them is not an option. I am forced to take on the role as Big bro as no other role will suffice less I settle for far less than I need or cause damage to their life in the process. As I continue to build with them each individually, I am growing in knowledge of this role and seeing the fruit of it in the extreme growth in the women I have been blessed to be there for.

Been alternating between working nights and morning a lot this month but moreso morning shifts. Now that my boy Matt and Frank got promoted things are running a lot smoother. Also there is a lot more of a cooler vibe around the workplace as I don’t feel intimidated by the higher ups in that we cool. With most of the Higher ups that were a prob gone, its bee a strange transition but we have made it through pretty good. Morning shifts are actually not as bad anymore because my boy Matt is there leading. Not only does that mean I have someone there who knows what they are doing but I can chill with. Good times. They have talked a lot about next year them upgrading Part time to full. It interested me and concerns me still at the same time. This year has been good… real good money wise because I have been doing fulltime hours at work. So I know that I can do it. The problem moreso comes in worrying about my freedom with Part time to shift things around my schedule more though I have not really flexed it in a while in the first place. I wanted to be able to commit a day to a small group or some sort of teaching gig at church on a day but I don’t have anything on my plate yet I someday hope to. I guess the Lord will make a way when the time is right though. Talking to Frank though, I asked him if I could have a similar deal like I have for Sundays. Currently I have a deal for Sundays to where I rarely get scheduled in the mornings because they know I go to church yet I can work that day in the evenings. Its not like Im requesting the day off yet I am halfway controlling when I am available. It’s a cool deal I am lucky to have especially for a weekend day. He said yeah but it wouldn’t be assured. Good enough for me. So there is hope for the future in this. At the end of the day, full time status would go a long way to help out car wise next year as I expect to be a driver by summer of 2011. If I don’t have fulltime status, I wont be assured I can pay for car insurance let alone gas monthly. With the recent upgrade in my loan status I definitely need it.

I realized at work that my relationship with others in the body kinda worked like my job. Going back to the whole full time/ part time thing, It worked the same. Full time katz leaving immediately at the end of their shift as opposed to helping to get the rest of work done. Part timers would end up staying when it should be the full that should be forced to. While many of the part timers are not as skilled as the full, they are at least will to put in over time to get to see the work thru to the end. Serving or sharing, feels the same (R316). They are better at what they do while I chug along but at the end of the day, I will go the distance as sucky as I am.

There had been a girl at work I had been interested in. Ya I know, I cant holla at nobody that’s not Christian but that’s not to say I cant think a girl is cute. If I wasn’t down, I sure would try to holla without a doubt. I am a sucker for big body women. Lol. Well my “liking” of this girl was no secret to my co-workers but I never tried to holla nor did I have plans to. Sure enough the question of whether she was single came up and I was instantly curious. It nagged at me to find out if she really was or what was her situation for the most part. I don’t know why the info was necessary (of course it wasn’t but whatever) but I wanted to looked into. Long story short, I as one too many dudes if they knew if she was single and sure enough it kinda got back to her. Now I was halfway nervous because this girl might have thought I was into her or trying to holla. The guys at work all wanted me to try for asking her out to this holiday party that was coming up. I couldn’t as I knew I would freeze up in being in the group situation at the party. I decided against even though it was a good idea if I were trying. Still I was interested to talk to her and get to know her if the chance came at the party. Maybe get in a dance, you never know.

The guys at work finally convinced me to go to the holiday party this year. It was first time in my 3 years of working there that I was going to be going. It was the first time I got snazzy in a long time. My boy and his girl there. She was still salty at me and was scowling the whole night while he was hyper and happy. I would have kept my distance but he kept inviting me over to chill with them. Later I asked if it was me that made her so testy, he said it was because he wouldn’t dance. Seemed legite but I couldn’t help the thought that me being there didn’t help, I mean those scowls were directed. Lol. They had a Karaoke room there that ended becoming a VIP lounge by happenstance as those who didn’t want to dance inside. I wanted to sing but my drunken boss hogged the mic most of the night. Seeing ole’ girl at the party that I thought was cute I tried to man up and  ask her to dance but she denied me 3 times. Made up excuses for every time I tried to as her to dance. It was a hot mess and a lot of bullcrap but I wasn’t  around for her to dance anymore. It took me a while get out there, partially because of her but also really more so because the music was crappy. It was a combo of Mexican and oldies but nothing newer with a beat. I eventually stopped waiting on her and ended up dancing with a whole slew of girls randomly (like the Wedding).Got dangerously close with one girl of who was obviously into me. She had been eyeballing me a good portion of the night. I didn’t make a move on her though even though if I wasn’t down I could have slept with her easy. She was a girl I would have definitely wanted to sleep with too. The next day, the guys at work who were there and knew I could have had her in the bag looked at me crazy when I said no. They were plenty disappointed and somewhere deep down I was too but that’s not how I role. I rep the King. I heard she may have ended up with another guy as a result of my opting out. Hearing that upset me greatly at how people there were in sin and gave themselves over to be used like they did. Talking to my friend Eric about it, he seemed to look at me foolishly for feeling bad about the happening to ole girl. ”She’s a big girl. She knows what she is doing” was his response. I was upset as I could see he could not understand. Man filtered sin through the reasoning of what hurts me is the only sin I should be worried about. They know its bad, not right yet they wont admit it because they want to option to be open to them for when they want to play with fire. I cared for them and their souls, even though they might not have.

The next day, it hit me as to what the gift and the curse of going to that party was. I would have a bunch of people who suddenly thought they knew me. While I didn’t like the idea of this newfound weight and responsibility it did break new ground. A lot of the people I was stuck in a stale mate with as I couldn’t get around to say hi and breaking the ice. Last night was definitely a ice breaker. As much as my flesh didn’t like it it was a welcome opportunity to possibly share the Gospel through possible new relationships. I pondered on how much openness was a issue for me. Its just that there was always this feeling with others that they expected something from me or moreso me to be a certain kind of guy. They would se me and come at me like they were hoping I would be that atypical black guy that was ghetto and cool. I wouldn’t want to draw near because I felt like I would only disappoint them as I was not that guy nor could I be. That because of that I had nothing to offer them as far as what they wanted and hence was a waste of their time to build with. Being Christian, there is a clear line I would not cross yet if I did and I was what they hoped me to be I would surely be Mister popular. It’s a issue with Christians and Non Christians alike. Though if they did see me as a sort of spiritual guide, it was a role I could accept as they approached me not for me but for the God I served. I realize though, that honestly I do have some of those traits they hope for and I do have something to offer in and of myself. I still have a goofy ghetto and sometimes charismatic side that I cant deny is there. So that’s something but more that I have thisme being a Christian. This cool guy who is passionate about the Lord and actually knows what he believes. Its strange and different or moreso just unexpected for those who meet me. While I don’t know how they will embrace me, I will just have to put myself out there period and see how it all pans out. Stepping out in faith, I asked one of the people I had been slowly building with and who I danced with at the party if they would be down for joining the text ministry. The Lord had put her on my heart to try and ask and sure enough, before I could even explain what it was she said yes and gave me the digits. I hope that there is hope to build with others the same around the workplace.

Pondering over the recent events in my life, the Lord opened my eyes to the direction of my future. The Lord had already been impressing upon my heart to seek to teach in the church. Interestingly enough, they were going to start adult elective course at my church beginning sometime next year. There would be a selection of courses to take but they said they would also allow other people to teach classes of their choosing. This was my chance. With the remaining week of the month off, I had time to work on my Thesis. A collection of everything the Lord had taught me about in terms of the problems and possible solutions to the church. I realized I truly was in the right church as no other church leadership probably would hear me out and be willing to act on these things. These leaders were different. I wasn’t meant to just be in the church and show up every Sunday. I knew that now. I was meant to effect, not just individuals in the church but the direction of it as a whole. Pretty crazy thing to say and just last year I would have totally ran from the thought, but the Lord had prepared my heart and I knew now what I needed to do. That I was to be a man of influence in the church, not that I would be a Pastor or paid associate but yet still someone of influence. The Lord open my heart to the hope to one day be a Elder. Never before had I ever had any “spiritual ambitions” as it were to be something special but this felt different. Not that I wanted to position to have power or nothing but in it just being a honor to live my life well for God to where I was considered for that. I believe my opportunity would come next year to possible actually make moves into the raw position in the church that I was intended to play. Its kinda crazy. I questioned if this church was just training wheels though. If it was just the starter point to where later I would be more equipped to brave the tides of being in one of the bigger churches in the area and help direct the tide. I don’t know. This may be where God wants me in general or it could change in some years from now. All I know is that I have to trust him.

Suddenly I was captivated by a strong passion to be a big brother. Like in the earlier months, I was inspired and seemingly charged to step into the role. This time though, as thought of certain women the Lord had placed on my heart at the time, I wanted to step into the role with a new vigar. Thinking back to church that morning, the girl of whom had approached me a month ago alerting me that she was praying for me spoke of her testimony. She actually gave a watered down version of it as I knew the true story from her BF. When she spoke though, like before, raw love for Christ just oozed out of her pored. She loved him greatly and you could tell she wanted to serve him with everything she had. Thinking of her and her tearful presentation, my heart leapt for joy as I thought, “I want to be her brother!”. I had a raw desire to want to be there for her to help nurture that passion and love for God. I wanted to do everything in my power in that role to do so and it had nothing to do with trying to holla or anything just wanting to honest love her sincerely as family. It was crazy. Even though I had been charged before like I said, this was out of a sense of duty this time but genuine love for both the person and God. Other women came to mine as I excited tripped out on this new desire on my heart to draw near these women with absolutely no worldly desire in toe.  It was crazy. Even thinking back to one girl I knew that was blatantly both hot and lined up with a lot of what I wanted in a Godly woman things were different. All attractions were curbed as the new sense of discernment and boundaries the Lord equipped me with helped me to establish quickly that though she was all that her ministry direction differed from mine. This made instantly inapplicable and so I was able to put her in the zone and avoid prospects of her being anything but a sister. I shocked that I was improving in this so much and it not only gave me more hope that others could too go deeper but that the cultural norm was truly not of the Lord.

I was asked by my Pastor out the blue the Sunday before Christmas if I wanted to come with his fam to his parents house for Christmas eve. His extended family would be there and they would have a gift exchange and whatnot. I told him I would think about it as I didn’t know if I would do anything for Christmas. Even though the offer at first felt like pity in a way it also felt like a great op to lay the ground work for going forward in ministry at the church. Same time I ended up asking him if he wanted to get down for the text message ministry which he was surprisingly down for. It was so weird to both be texting and hanging out with a Pastor like that. More and more being here with this kind of openness to the pastoral staff kept breaking the church norms I thought of. Later in the week, I totally forgot when was Christmas as I thought it would be the following week and had to tell him I was down for going last minute. lol. Epic fail on my part. I used my recently bought copy of Inception for the guy gift exchange they would have. On the way over, we talked about life as I found out more about his past and family background. We even ended up on the subject of ole’girl that I had dated aka he was spying for. Ha. When it came up, it gave me a good chance to share what the Lord had taught me through the experience. He didn’t know much about out relationship but he was at least rooting for me. I was happy to know he didn’t not approve of me. Seemed like moreso, she canceled out suddenly for her own reason but it wasn’t meant to be anyways.

His family was huge. I walked into a house flooded with a sea of Asians. As he introduced me to everyone it was pointless as I would never remember anybody’s name especially with so many of them looking alike. It was crazy as they all seemed to either be a pastor or have some sort of high end job to where they were well off. Pretty much his whole family was Christian except for a few. Even all the kids knew how to randomly play the piano or some kind of random music instrument. And they say stereotypes aint real. Lol. He had the perfect set up that anyone would hope for aka the Asian American Dream. lol. I thought to myself that the grandparents had to be the most happy in seeing their legacy like this. As I mingled, I didn’t allow myself to have the slightest hope that my life would ever look like this in the end. Doing the gift exchange with guys, I randomly ended up with a Auto Safety Kit for a present. I thankfully took it as it was super going to come in handy in the future. I talked a bit with his fam too, particularly his brother of whom lived in the mission field for many years with his fam. It was a interesting convo but going toward the issue evangelism, him like other kinda copped out for the relationship only approach as it was moreso the required sitch in Africa. When things slowed down, I opened up to PD about a lot of what the Lord had taken me through and was revealing to me. Didn’t say some particulars though as I needed to leave something to surprise. As I shared he seemed captivated by my passion. In general, its not often you have these kinda conversations which sucks so it’s a blessing to go deep when you can. Mentioning how, this year as opposed to the last, I felt like I knew how to sword fight with the powerful sword God gave me he spoke up. He told me that he might have a prophetic word for me and what the Lord was about to do next. I listened curiously.

What I got from him was that he felt like the Lord took me up but was about to drop me down again but not in the same way as this year. Like I have the sword and I know how to use it now so now its going to be about humbling me to help remind me that the power comes from him and not my effort. That basically I was going to make all the right moves but that seemingly things wouldn’t work like they seem like they should. Like I will feel like I lost the magic or something. Though I will fall in a way it wont be the kind of hurt I felt this year where it was a demolition. No it would be a loss but I wouldn’t take it bad because it would know it was of the Lord and it would end up making me love the Lord more. So the good bad, you know? But this humbling process was just the last dip before he sent me out the gate swinging full force. So while it would be a slight dip, I was about to go hard soon full bore. Nice to know yet I laughed as it sucked hearing that things would fall apart in a way period. He looked at me confused as I laughed and joked as he felt I didn’t get it. I was saying that it was a good thing and I got it but I still had a “aww man” moment none the less. Him just telling me that just humbled me to where I didn’t want to get big in my britches yet I would have to go through the wringer in some way again. He said, the Lord couldn’t let me go out there fighting with such a powerful weapon unless he did this first as that kind of power in the hands of anyone easily corrupts. I knew what he was saying. My mind slowly pondered on the chaos that could happen in the coming year. With all that happened this year, it getting worse was just scary flat out but I knew it wouldn’t be in the same way.

Christmas day, I didn’t have anything to do. I felt like crap. A clear departure from the day before. While that day I seemed off in truth, I was off days before I just had dropped deeper into that day as opposed to other days as I had nothing to do. As others were with family, mines was separated and I was alone. Not that I’m complaining, it just was what it was. Because I was in shame mode and distant from the Lord, my mind wanted to do anything but settle down and seek.  I ended up getting Robbie to drop me off at the movie theatre on his way out the house. I stayed there most of the day, watching a double feature of The Fighter and True Grit. Good movie but long. I hadn’t even ate all day in my distance my the Lord. On my way home, I walked in darkness in the cold night as the streets were desolate. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw Woodfield mall’s parking lot so empty.  As I walked home, I was left to confront the issues plaguing me.  My thoughts went to the issues I discussed with the Pastors at the party the day before. So much seemed in the way of the Gospel and it getting preached especially out of the church catering to the lost instead just sharing the truth. I remembered when PD compared me to John the Baptist. Now moreso than ever, I think I understood that reference in context to who I am and what John was. It was crazy because around that time, I had noticed a lot about JB’s ministry than before. He was a straight shooter. He was out in the woods preaching the Gospel in the raw with nothing to try to appeal to the people or that would. When they came to hear him, it was for the truth and the truth alone. Not anything else as he had nothing and he wanted it that way. Ministry nowadays, people make it seem like you have to appeal to people by making them comfortable on all fronts before they can receive the Gospel. In truth, you don’t be we’d like to think we do as it would put more of the ball of whether they get saved in our court. Its interesting because if there is anything my years of resisting to share the basics about myself has revealed its that not every is needs to have that sense of security to take that step forward. In knowing that and having no fear in treading that territory as opposed to others, I have to help them see that reality.

This year was ended on a high note. The Lord in this time had come through on what he had impressed upon me in reestablishing the relationships that had fallen to the wayside this year. At least I was about to meet with one of the Pastors from the church I had been trying to make peace with. The Lord had impressed upon to mostly listen in humility. I got a sense of where he was coming from and I also got a sense of what they missed along the way. They didn’t seen the blowback coming that happened from all that took place and were very apologetic about it. Same time, I thanked them and reassured them that the experience was to my benefit as it helped me to grow and put me where I needed to be. Thankfully, we were able to make peace and I got the go ahead to be able to come back to participate with the church with open arms. I had to give God the glory for this having happened. Especially with the fact that it opened up the door for me to go back to small group and hopefully finally get the accountability I have so desperately needed. He said “Sometimes the Lord helps us to grow through correction or through a traumatic experience”. I definitely had the later this year. I was even able to reconnect with Josh and some other friends that were distant at the time for processing. I sharing with him the calling God had placed on my heart to reestablish our connection another truth was revealed. That these relationships needed to be broke down and reformed with the same material but in the right way. That in them being reformed they would be stronger than ever and allow both parts to view their roles with the right perspective as opposed to before. A reformation truly did take place in my life, one that would effect my ministry for the long haul and help me to accomplish the goals the Lord has set for me indeed.

Looking back at my entry from the beginning of the year, I Freaked out. I came to find out that things fell apart from the top of the year, not later. That all the things I needed to learn including the Brother/Sister issue popped up right at the beginning. From the start of the year, God had put in work on my life. It was crazy sight to behold. As this year ended, I pondered on what that could mean for next year, especially with PD’s prediction. The night of New Years, I hung out with a friend at his place. He invited a friend he had been witnessing to for a while that was Catholic. Taking advantage of the op, I started to dig deeper with him about his faith. I knew how to navigate and had a confidence I don’t usually have. I was getting through to him in exploring his faith and the reasoning behind it when my boy interceded out of nowhere and killed the op. I was greatly disappointed as I felt I was making great headway but it all changed the moment he interrupted with the wrong approach. I wondered, “Is this going to be what he meant for the new year”. That I would have all the tools and whatnot but things wouldn’t go like there should but not crazy bad per say. It truly could have been a preview as it having happened didn’t make me mad only disappointed and even so I felt capable still. It was different. We shall see when I step into the next season of my life what this all means for me. The saga continues…

 

Trials of the Hermit King (Nov. 2010)

Howdy,

From last month, I can really see how much of a hermit I am and halfway moreso would be if I wasn’t down with GOD. Especially when I think back to how my brothers are, I see who I would be more clearly. As my disciplines have continued to suffer from being off and on, I am still growing inexplicably. The Lord is still using against want I would say is a good call but then again what do I know compared to God. Lol. I heard a sermon from T. Hill on how Satan takes advantage of our flesh when we are hungry. It seems to speak to what was happening to me. Though I longed for support, I could see that I cant count on anyone to help me. Even so I noticed that most my friends maybe in a bible study but are not getting actual accountability. I would halfway love to start a bible study with them to remedy this but I can’t. Nobody is every available. I have to fight to be in God’s presence on my own as hard as that is. I am aware of Satan’s schemes yet I falter because I feel like I don’t have much of any strength to fight. I have to keep pressing forward though as the Lord will provide a way.

Been using money real loose like with my current currency status. I went as far as to actually try again to upgrade my camera. Even though it seemed like a bad idea with the fiasco that took place earlier this year. This time, I at least got a good one a that I actually kept. Praise the Lord. lol. Been randomly buying people gifts because I have the money. I am playing it off as a early Christmas present. It kills me that I am even doing this. When I had a chill day with Alan again recently, which I hadn’t in quite a while, I really saw I needed to dial it back. Though it was nice to chill with him again, we spent wayyyy too much money in the process. I was able to speak to him about some recent issues he was dealing with though so that’s always a plus. If I am going to have this money, I have to use it better than I have but I have been punking out on recommitting to a Charity because I though I am doing fulltime hours I am still pt. Meaning I can go right back to have next to no hours and essentially money at anytime which would really suck for paying them let alone bills. I am seeing the greater need to be officially full time. I discussed it with Guys at work and it definitely seemed like it was in the cards for the immediate future aka the beginning of next year. I would need the consistency being I was hoping still to be able to get a license and a car. Still trying to figure out how to continue to pursue that with the currant weather conditions making it so difficult. Based off the guys at work though, they keep saying it’s a piece of cake. So I wish

After another interesting sermon from PoFo, I was a bit out of it on playing the social game that day at church. In my solitary mode, sitting by myself I was approached by a girl who asks me how I am doing. She was on the prayer team and was praying for me a lot seeing how I was one of the few people to give up a card for requests. After some light conversation, explaining a bit of where I was with things, a dude came up and sat next to us both. She left as he got there as someone called her away around the same time. After introductions, in further talk, I came to find out that it was her BF. I was halfway worried that he was trying to check me out and make sure I wasn’t trying to holla at his girl of whom I didn’t even approach. Lol. It wasn’t the case though, he wanted to honestly get to know me and saw it as a opp with his girl manning up before him. He ended up revealing his testimony out of nowhere which was pretty crazy. He was even trippin that he told me. We talked quite a bit even got on the issue of accountability of which we both noticed was a issue of here. Giving me his number, it was a definitely a interesting encounter that I would have to wait and see in what would come of it. See, I don’t always have to put in all the work. lol

In another day in the adventures of me and Robbie, I ended up calling him “Hilter Evil” in another one of my classic analogy speeches. It crazy what I can get away with in talking to him sometimes. Lol. I talking to him about his current go no where relationship and in challenging him, I got spiritual on him to make my point. I explained to him how his wickedness was no different from that of a more wilded out person in the eyes of God. Hence I came up with the analogy using Hitler as he is the biggest man example of evil in this world. I clarified to him that Hilter wasn’t a randomly nutty killer who shot at random but a well thought out murder. In the same way, there were those who just randomly sinned there was those who in their evil genius plan their mess to be most effect in their crap like him and Hilter. He understood clearly even though he still didn’t like the realization. What I love about him is that he knows all of what I say is out of sincere love and care for him so he is actually thankful for me reaching out. Same time what I hate is that while understand and even agree with everything I say aka cant contest it, He still wont submit. He is my constant reminder that its Jesus that saves, not my smart arguments.

This month I was pretty hype as two different concerts came up on the same weekend that I wanted to go to: The Unashamed Tour and Video Games Live. Both were in tour and I was intent on going. I tried to get Megan to come visit around this time so we could go together but she couldn’t make it. I had hopes that others would be willing and able to go but as the time got closer, more and more people began to cop out on me. It was so bogus. I even asked Robbie but being that it was the last days of his outdoor market job, he wouldn’t know when he would be available. I didn’t have many prospects to come with to VGL but I knew I had to know someone who would roll with to the Unashamed concert with Lecrae and them. So I had advanced my ticket for that concert. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t even that hype to see Lecrae as I was to see Pro and Sho Baraka in concert for the first time. I really wanted to get in a concert being that the last two years at Legacy I got jipped at the concert portion. Crying my eyes outside the building in prayer can make you miss out on things. Lol. On the day of, My last hope left me hanging at the last second making as my boy played me out to get ride instead of driving with me. Super bogus. Left stranded, Robbie randomly called me out the blue and let me know he was available and down to go. Can anybody say Hallelujah? Ha. We got there at the late as we found a pay for parking space local right outside the gig. I bought the max time but there seemed to be half hour gap between the expire time of the ticket and when the free parking started. So in layman’s terms, if a cop came around in that time he was super getting a ticket. We had to risk it. Going up to the place, in trying to buy a ticket, come to find out they were sold out. I was shocked as I didn’t think that many people would be there for it being that at Legacy not that many people came and most was from out of town. By God’s grace someone had a loose ticket they were selling for cheap out front so we got in. The place was packed and we couldn’t find a seat. I knew we wouldn’t need one though as when it started everybody would be up front. So we posted along the side near the stage in wait. Sure enough, when the things started, everybody rushed the stage and we were in the prime spot to be front row. It was crazy insane and I went wild. Robbie and I were both shocked at how crazy the concert got. The fact that they had Christian mosh pits and crowd surfing spoke for itself. One thing that made me take a step back was the amount of beautiful Christian women who were there and from Chi town. I guess I had more options than I thought. Lol. Walking away I was so sore but it was definitely a Miracle from the Lord in all that went down especially with us not getting towed.

At work sometime later, I was talking to one of the guys about college. He currently going to my own art college and was asking me different things about my past experience. I was really interest reminiscing about my past experience and talents which led me to go to the school. I even got on the story of how I made the game pitch to the arcade company. He so impressed.  He tried to encourage me to get back in the game. To possibly even work with him on concepts but I declined. Asking why, I said “because I don’t have a passion for it anymore”. That made me think, what did I have a passion for. I realized that I no longer had a passion for games but for Christ. It wasn’t like being a Christian should override that though. I knew of Christians with passions for their jobs just still as strong passion for Christ. For me, it had all but shifted in a different way. It seemed that my drive to want to build in church was halfway abnormal, like a ministry calling. It seems like a leading to live out my giftings in the church to the fullest or that my talents were moreso meant for church and not just a career. Once again the signs pointed back to the Lord’s teaching gift he gave me. I needed to walk in it fully and not just in randomly mentor gigs. I didn’t feel like I needed to teach in the church at pro level to where I would need a degree and I would get paid but a simple volunteer joint.  It made sense with the new standards I had been given which would prevent me from getting involved with a student. Something bigger was coming into clarity and I could see I show look into seeing if I could potentially lay ground work toward doing something toward that end in my church.

I didn’t have much time to ponder though as one of my female friends that always like clockwork freaks out freaked out again. This time I was pretty upset off of how this mess kept unfolding with runners like her. Its so tiring to keep having to deal with their drama of them telling you off and freaking out on you only to come back later realizing they were trippin. Its pretty emotionally taxing especially because its out nowhere that they sudden try to get at you. My issues with vengefulness came to rear its head I was so frustrated as those who say they love me (and a lot might I add) work overtime to suddenly get at me. When I try to fight to make things right and humble myself beyond needed, they still reject me. That’s the part that usually leave me pretty not happy. The fact that I submitted when I didn’t even do anything yet they are fronting like they didn’t do anything when in reality they are the bad guy. In dealing with a person like that, I would hope they would grow to a point where they saw, “hey, D’Andre has been right most of the time. Maybe I should listen to him”. They never learn though. Worse is that they never realize or pick up on the fact that I love them so much in that I endure with them in their false accusations. Its like they cant retain knowledge so as soon as something pops off again, its like I never loved them at all. Its so hurtful because it makes me feel like my love means nothing to them. Must be how the Lord feels sometimes. She was probably freaking out because she was stressed about some jail time she might face for some tickets she had. After asking me not to talk to her anymore, this time, I choose not to give chase. I agreed to allow her to go her way but not without letting her know how messed her attitude is. I felt like I needed her to grow up and learn on her own that her actions weren’t right. I couldn’t keep babying her or she would never learn.

Same day, I am contacted by the Ex of the girl who was engaged but broke it, again. He texted me, asking me not to talk to his girl anymore. I was taken back by the request especially in them not supposed to be together in the first place. While instinctually I wanted to tell him off and give him all the reason that was crap, I didn’t. I surprisingly just agreed and went with it. Even though I didn’t like the idea of having to lose a friend because someone else didn’t like me being their friend, I wasn’t too stirred. I didn’t want to exhaust myself on a fight that would drag out. I didn’t even know if ole girl was in alignment with the decision. He was mad respectful and civil and didn’t come at me angrily. I couldn’t help but respect his request. Not only that but that gave a sign that he saw me a good light as a Christian which would better help him see Christianity and draw him closer to the Lord. In the end, it wasn’t about me winning but his soul being won to the Lord. Ultimately I felt I could trust the Lord in what he would do in both his life and hers individually. I didn’t feel like I needed to fight but that I could trust God to do the rest. He thanked me for understanding which was real cool. Not too long later, his girl texted me making it clear she wasn’t in alignment with the choice but still allowed in not knowing what to do. I was sure the Lord would take care of it. I have to be honest, I really did understand where he was coming from on this issue. He was trying to get back with ole girl as a non believer while I was encouraging her as one. In the long run, seeing the Godly man that I am would super make him look bad as she would see the kind of traits that she is suppose to have in her man in me. A bar he couldn’t possibly reach unless he was saved. That can be tough but to be real, I would want it that way. She does need a Godly example in her life as the bar should be at that place period. So while that may be an issue for him, it technically is the standard that she is supposed to hold to with or without me being around. Its not like I am trying to holla at her by no means but it’s a good thing that she see Godly traits in Godly men and desire them as she should as a Christian.

I learned to picking my battles was an important piece of the puzzle of things the Lord was teaching me. Taking a step back, I saw that it was going to be a big need in the seasons to come especially with my recent rev about the teaching thing. I realized that a big prob I had is that I would gas out. Like in MMA, you can have those awesome one hitter quitter fighters. Those guys that are super strong and skilled to where they can knock out or tap out their opponent in the first round. Problem is, they used to that so much and focus their training so much on that immediate kill that they have no cardio. Meaning if their opponent lasts beyond the first round that by the next, they are gassed out. They have no strength or breath left to make through the next round to where they are easily beaten. I think that’s the case with me. I am good with it but I gas out pretty quick. Maybe because I go hard in many senses but I don’t work on that cardio aka get in that refresh time with the Lord like I need. But its not just about the cardio its about fighting smarter too. He is helping me to learn that I see with these recent revs lately.

At work, they hosted this year’s National Bible Bee. I didn’t know what it was but I halfway thought it was a Mormon thing at first being that all the kids and the adults had this creepy look to them. Like mostly, scrawny, blonde, with super long skirts or polo and khakis. They even had the same voice type. It was really creepy. It was like they grew up on a farm or something away from society and you could tell they were mostly home schooled. Speaking of Mormons, Some had actually came to my door looking for another couple that previously lived here. I had always wanted to have an encounter with them to talking about their faith/witness to them. At the time I wasn’t ready to have a sit down with them as I had stuff on my plate at the time but I took the op to make an appointment for them to come back so I can witness to them. They never showed up unfortunately but I know they will eventually. Anyways, back to the story. The guys at work expected me to know what the heck the Bible Bee was because I was Christian. Lol. To quote my boy Mike, “If it got the word bible in it, we know you gotta be a expert on it brotha”. Lol. It was cool to know they knew I knew my faith. I honestly had no clue how it worked though til I stood on the competition. It was mad cool. Basically the person says a verse like 1Corinthians 8:6-11 and the kid would come up, call out the translation and saying the whole verse word for word. It was nuts. There were straight human Biblegateways. Lol. I halfway was tempted to randomly roll up to one of this and say a verse to speak to them in Christian code. Lol. They had a Way of the Master booth set up there! I was plenty excited and checked it out. I got the new Ray Comfort book I was thinking about getting and sure enough I got it for free. The guy also gave me a boat load of CDs on how to Bring your Children to Christ for my church. I was super excited. I took some free illusion tracts, which I used on Mike. In downtime at work, I went back and talked to the guy about the ministry and the training in Cali. I was considering going but the trip would have been pricey and it was only like 3 or 4 days. He encouraged me to check it out and Im thinking about it. I am sure it would really be a crazy experience. I would get to meet Kirk Cameron and Ray as well as have to do open air evangelism. Woah

I had been trying to figure out what to do with my PTO. I got mad hours I could use to where if I used it all I could be gone maybe up to 2 or 3 months with pay. I don’t know what to do. I kinda want to use it all before the start of the New Year but it seems like it would be kinda a waste. Especially if it is slow to start next year. I will have no back up. I want to be able to use the time off wisely. Get something done but I don’t know where to go or what to do. One thought is to go to a random secluded place for 30days to fast and be cut off from most society with nothing but me and God. I wanted that super bad back two months ago but that was a dead end. That would be a sweet refresher indeed but I have no clue where to go or if I would have money to stay there. Another idea is to go to Cali for Evangelism training for 4days. Problem with that is its only 4 days and I don’t know if I have enough money to get out there to begin with. It just sucks. I hope I will be able to figure what to do and when soon

After going out to CG again, I officially officially made the choice never to go again. It serves no purpose or edification. It just hanging out with people that are not interesting or that interested going in deeper about Christ. I am tired of Christians forcing me into hanging out with corny people by holding the my Christianity over my head. The definition of fellowship continues to be destroyed. When I can have a more edifying time with non belivers than Christians, there is a problem. Worst part is, even I say anything is wrong, its chopped up to my social issues as the source when its not just me. Yes, I have social shortcomings but that just makes me react badly to something that is very real. I realize just because the bible calls me to be in fellowship doesn’t mean I have to specifically do it with everybody. I don’t have to force myself to like or enjoy hanging with Christians just because they are Christian. It’s the expectation and the norm but exactly right. For so long that plagued me as I felt I had to conform because this is what I have to like because supposedly it was “fellowship” when it wasn’t. In reality it aint, and viewing as that only make for a level of frustration out of expectation of what biblical fellowship is. Seeing it for what is really is half the time, just a bunch of Christians chillin, it changes the game. Fellowship I need but I aint got to chill, be friends with, or like the stuff Christians do that’s just chillin. Now that’s based on preference yet a brotha still needs to put himself out there to try to understand or build with katz every so often that’s different. Don’t have to like everything they do but I can make a effort to be open to stuff to be in closer relationship with them. You never, you just might have something in common besides Jesus.

To be real though, church feels like an obstacle and always has been for me. Not the body per say but the organization. They have been no help and not much of any use in my walk it seems. I can never seem to find the support or opportunity to go further there yet I endure. Maybe I have a unhealthy expectation on it but honestly I have found more stumbling blocks than helping hands in the walls. I continue to try to reason why its so different in the walls as opposed to outside. Why the church doesn’t expand or enhance my walk but almost bind me. I don’t know. I feel like I am killing myself for nothing. I need to fight smarter. I understand my limits now and more of the limits of my environment. I have to use that to my advantage but I might have to stay in my lane alittle while before expanding. I have problems with groups so try to keep it closed quarters. Be conscious how much time and effort I put in. Pick my battles more wisely. I feel like I am going in the right direction but I don’t know ultimately how its going to play out til I do. But I know, I will be a better fighter.

While I was out one day, I noticed a Jersey Shore wannabe couple.  I realize there has to be a way to swing my observations to Gods glory. Its not so much that you cant judge a book by its cover as much as its not the whole story but simply apart of it. Yes, there is more underneath the surface but the outer tells you alot. Its more to the person is all yet still more the half the time, the impression you get is a chunk of who they are. You have to know how to navigate the outer just to get to the inner in the first place. I am prejudice than a mug. I know that but I know I can flip this somehow. Looking at that couple, for the first time, even though I was disgusted by the overt need to be noticed, I wondered how I could pierce the veil. I wanted to figure out to work that understanding of their outer to get to their inner. One thing, I was reminded of recently is that these people have feelings no matter how messed up or jerky they are and if you claw deep enough you can get to them. I want to figure this out to react and move the right way. There has to be a reason for this knowledge I have. I want to use it to the Glory of God and to bring people to Christ. I don’t want my flesh to hold me at bay but see these observations as a possible opportunity to build.

I find out my boy’s wife was is still mad at me from months back. This concerns me as it has been too long and she has been mad for seemingly no reason. She was holding on to a combo of my birthday fiasco last year and me and her husbands lover quarrel a couple months ago. Even he was trippin that she was still trippin about it. He had been trying to share verses with her to convince her otherwise but not much was said. What killed me is that I had been send her verse like normal daily from my text message ministry and yet I didn’t get a angry response like she was mad. Then it hits me, this is the Anaconda Vise. Its what I had been learning about this pass month and broke down as to how to deal with. I even wrote a whole paper on the symptoms and how to deal with it. I felt mad stupid that I didn’t figure it out sooner. So I took my own advice (More like Gods) and reached out to her. I was nice as humanly possible and I apologized making a super loving and genuine plea for forgiveness. Sure enough, she broke and she was released from the hold like clockwork. I had to thank God for the lesson and the success. Even my boy tripped out. I was glad I had dealing with this issue on lock now. Having had to deal with this same demonic trick so many years, I finally had the ability to cancel it out quick. Something told me I was going to need it.

I have detoured hard in the last week or so. I totally stopped exercising, watching what I was eating, barely even getting into prayer. I don’t feel as bad as before but that’s probably what makes this time worse. People are still distant and it still seems I have no choice but to buck up myself which I cant seem to get going. Heading back to Detroit for Thanksgiving, I didn’t see that changing much. Mom was posted up a new home as opposed to last year. I had hopes that it was better than the last as it was kinda small. Going back I was most interested in seeing Megan again as I had got her Rockband3 for Christmas and I wanted to play it myself to check it out. She didn’t have a good second guitar so I looked into getting one. Couldn’t find one before I left but the image of me going on the train with a fake guitar on my back like some kind of hippie amused me.lol. Making it back, the new place wasn’t so bad. It was right around the corner from Northland mall so it wasn’t too far from my old home. I knew the area. Mom seemed to have lost a little weight whereas it was apparent that I gained some. Better paying job led to me being a glutton to my shame. I actually found out Mom had Diabetes. It wasn’t a too serious version where I needed to be trippin she just had to take some pills. I was halfway salty see didn’t tell me but its typical. Has me worried for myself, especially with my bad eating habits I have had lately. My nephew Matthew got way bigger. To this day, he gets scary when I show up but expects Jonathan anytime he hears the word uncle. Jonathan wasn’t even around in his more developed years yet he still remembers and loves his uncle Jay jay (I just made that up. HA!). My mom got him to say his full name as an icebreaker and for the first time I realized he was halfway named after me. His full name was Matthew Andre Campbell. A reverse of my name. Either that might show my older brother likes me more than I though deep deep deep deep deep down inside or he ran out of name ideas and hes not too creative so he took back his original. lol

While I was there, I visited Northland for the first time in a long time. Still ghetto but brings back memories. Its hard to walk in that mall and not walk out with ghetto clothes as every store just about just sells street attire. All woman’s clothes is geared toward thick women. I was hope alright. Lol. It interesting walking around. Everybody, as I did, seemed to give off this force field to hold people at bay. I was in my element. Me, like others, just wanted to be left alone and minding they own busy and was just about that. Its like you want to be intimidating enough that nobody messes with you because if that they did you were in trouble. I was comfortable and at home as that was my norm and I saw how I was able to have these issues for so long and never really know they were there til I got to the burbs. While I was there, I found the only seeming toy store there which was ghetto as all mess. They had used games and whatnot. Got a new SNES game and  Guitar Hero guitar for cheap. Megan’s present was complete. I was pining to show it to her and get my Megan hug. Lol

I had Thanksgiving with Megan and her fam this year. I wanted to eat a bit before I left for her place but my mom said she was save stuff for me. I hoped to see my cousin while there but she never showed up. I didn’t know how she would react to after having gave her crap about having a non Christian Bf. I wasn’t trippin about leaving mom to go to another Thanksgiving as we never had a traditional Thanksgiving ever really. The usual deal was that he whipped out the good China and invite her friends over. They would crowd the table and eat everything while me and my little brother tried to slip and get the scrap and go back in the basement before my mom embarrassed us by trying to show us off. She had all her buddy with so she was cool. Megan was happy to have the Rockband gift. I wanted to Rock out sooner than later when we got to her crib but I had to wait.  Dinner was serviceable but not fantastic. I realized that I hadn’t seen a Thanksgiving with Baked macaroni and Cheese in forever. I knew something was missing all those years. After a while I tried out Rockband3 but it wasn’t as great as I hoped. Later we played Trivial Pursuit randomly with her fam of which I led my team to a victory or should have been. I thought went you got all these pie pieces you won but I guess you had to move the piece to the center of the board too. We had it in the bag as Megan’s was far behind but randomly the caught up somehow. In the end, I made it so the final answer randomly hinged on her answer of a stupid hard question and by some miracle she guessed it and they won. Boo! You know she wasn’t letting me live that one down. The next day we went and saw Tangled in 3D.

The next day, I was seemingly upset. Seeing how she was living, I noticed just how well off she is. She wasn’t even living for the Lord yet she seemed to have all this stuff going for her. It challenged me again in feeling like I am not doing what I need to. Simply put she was rich can didn’t even know it. Got mad stuff and has her loan paid off and everything. It left me feeling more like I am not stepping up even more. Its not so much that she was prosperous that got at me as it was that it felt like she was doing something impactful yet didn’t even care or wasn’t even doing it for the Lord. Thoughts once again of how others seemed to be living better than I back at the crib just weighed me down. Being around all the success, especially those who I knew were serving Christ with the same heart as me just made me feel like I wasn’t doing the right thing. Wonder why I couldn’t get it together. Why I had to be a failure and seemingly suffer. Megan tried to snap me out of it. I knew I was on some mess but it still sucks you know.

Its still hard for me to see the happy pictures of others Christians. It’s a cross between two things. Me feeling like they might not be walking as they should and enjoying the spoils of this life while not paying any attention to the war while I’m dying here. That makes me pissed that they aint helping in the effort and getting on they job. On the flipside, its them being on point for the Lord and doing stuff I cant or havent yet and seemingly reaping not only spiritual rewards but worldly bliss. It makes feel like I am doing something wrong. With so many people around the burbs life looking like that, I cant help but feel that maybe I’m not walking with the Lord as I should be and that’s why my life looks like crap and theirs looks amazing. There lies a sense of Jealousy in that I have to get the short end of the stick while they get the gap commercial life even though we are doing the same amount of work. Its like my current situation at work. They wont give me full time so I am part time yet I do full time hours. So I get paid like I am full but get none of the benefits. Still there is a benefit in the freedom I have to control when I work that they don’t have. I am sure there is a similar secret perk I got in this, its just hard to deal when you doing the same amount of work and none of the benefits. Either way, it adds up to me having to really focus on my own walk and not weigh myself by the status of others. Technically the bible says I’m the blessed one as opposed to them but its hard to believe when in a world like this.

While there, the Lord impressed upon the reestablishing of some relationships from the past. Interestingly enough this played out in two ways while I was there. They happened to be two of the biggest breaks that happened this year. First was me reaching back out to the church I had a fallout with again to see if we can make amends. I heard news of the Pastor who had beef with me having stepping down so I figured there would be a chance to act. The timing was interesting to line up with this new push. Sending a e-mail out to the leadership there, I hoped to be able to reach someone and get back in cool so I can be in my old bible study again. Maybe then I would be able to finally get some good accountability. The second was with Brittany, my old high school buddy I lost at the top of the year. The Lord had impressed upon me that this was the time to reconnect and what better time in being in Detroit to see her. My buddy Megan totally didn’t think there was anyway she would be down for talking with me after how things ended. I tried to put her fears to rest as I get her take me to her place. I knew what I was doing. She wouldn’t deny me or so I hoped. I was confident thought that I knew what to say to set things in line. It was the Vise all over again kinda, either way I had a different sense of myself than before. Getting to her place, I happened to show up the moment she just took a half hour lunch break from her stay at home job. Coincidence, I think not. She randomly had a dog too now. She was surprised as it didn’t bark at me but super liked me as she said normally it hated guys. Sign number 2 baby. Lol. Then again, kids and animals love me. Lol. I made my case towards her stating the need to reestablish our friendship on the right foundation as oppose to before as officially brother and sister. No longer was I ever going to be in holla mode with her but things would be right again. She revealed that the Lord had brought back in other friends she had the same, as they had come back more mature and ready to move forward. I think we both needed to separate for sure this year as not only did I need to change my perspective but there was no way she would have been able to properly ingest the info I learned as the result of the crazy I faced this year at the time. The Lord truly blessed me with the beginning of what I knew was more relationships to return and start anew.

In my last bit of time with Megan, I found out that one of her cousin’s as well was a Christian who was in an ungodly relationship. Getting back home, this trend disturbed me. I kept seeing this repeat pattern. Talking with one of the Ladies that I newly knew, it seems she had a bit of a thing for me. Tired of the potential for drama that was written all over the situation, I quickly called her out on it, asking “Do you like me?” and “Why?”. Upon digging further with her, it seemed her like the other girls didn’t have a real Godly standard by which to hold men. Many were immature or new and their faith and had never dated as a Christian before aka didn’t know there was a difference in the process in being Christian. Hence their standards were off and they got into really bad relationship based off their flesh and the guys just being willing to go to church. In alerting their Christian sisters, they wouldn’t check the guy out they were dating to see if he was on the up and up but just gleefully congratulate the girl for having found a man. Following the trend of crappy women ministry they would only have only women sowing into their lives with no Godly men to watch their back or stand as a standard of what to look for they were warned away from men. They needed a brother who would look out for them in the ways their sisters wouldn’t. It became evident on a whole new level the amount of damage that was done as a result of it this. It played into the lack of discipleship problem the Lord was opening my eyes to. Correcting the girl who I was talking to and what was wrong in her approach, she understood clearly. She just had never been told or knew what the deal was. Along with her another female friend, showed a huge desire while I was there to learn from the Word like me. Out of nowhere I had this epiphany and while in Detroit of all places. My heart was suddenly burdened to be put my own personal desires to the side to be the big brother that my Christian sisters needed. I never liked the word brother being used in context to be when it came to the ladies. There were only 2 girls I sincerely saw as sisters to me in my walk. Now though, I saw I needed to embrace that title as it was necessary to reach out to these women. I wanted to do my part to aid in their growth but that would require me to navigate the boundary more clearly so few had dared go. To be honest, I had already been in that role for years in helping and being there for my other female friends. Its just that then, I also was trying to figure out whether I should holla as I didn’t have a clear standard myself. Now I did, and from my past knowledge I knew the Lord would give me clarity on how to move forward and lead the charge for others to step up as well.

I missed the train again for the second year in a row trying to get back home. Mom made me get off at Royal Oak even though I had a ticket for Detroit. Sure enough, going back, I thought I had to go back on at Royal Oak when really it was the time for Detroit. Epic fail. Had to pay mad extra money to get a new ticket for the morning. On the train back, I noticed a pretty little girl and her mom. I was reminded of how I could see my life with the girl I previous dated. She would have made an amazing mother and I could see how great my family would be. I so wanted that. At the same time it hit me, it was almost a idol with her. While I would have had a great fam, I think if I was with her my life would become every Sunday Christian type. About my fam and not the mission. The real deal was that I would go in a direction ministry wise that I wasn’t suppose to and live below the fullness of his calling for me. A tear came to my eye at the thought of having to sacrifice that family life. I knew that one day I would have that family but as a friend had reminded me, “He wont give you whats before your time”. I would get it but it would be with a woman in alignment with where the Lord wants me and at the right time.

When I got back I went to church with one of the new female friends I made. Her Church ended up kinda being like mine in being mostly Asian surprisingly but even smaller. Met her friends which was this older Christian couple. It was awkward because it had a bad look like I was the new dude trying to holla and they were checkin me out when I wasn’t. I had the longest talk with her about growth and evangelism. I see the Lord has opened up yet another great door to minister to another believer and help her grow. Seeing how pretty she was and that she was eager to learn tempted me to want to be more but unlike before, my newfound sense of brotherly duty kept me wholly at bay. I had a new control over my desires. I learned that when it comes to sharing the Gospel I get drained but when I am sharing and teaching other believers, my fire is stoked to go the distance from their hunger to learn. I started doing a phone bible study for a little while with her to help her get on her feet in her reading a help establish regular nightly reading. I shared a lot of what I have learned over the years. Seems like I am discipling her but in a Big brother type way. Talking to her, she is excited about learning more from me and me holding her accountable. She is hopeful that we are in each others lives for a long time for this to happen. I hope so too but holding my breathe as most come and go

As doors have closed with certain people recently, the Lord has opened up many more promising doors and windows as well. Feels like literally do or die now. Like the consequences will effect me big in the future if I cant change. I have to go Harder. The Lord has been leading me in way I havent expected so far and that I know many might not be in agreement with. The Brother/Sister thing is a mad touchy subject but its one the Lord is teaching about in depth of which I will hopefully be able to teach other. Things are not done yet. I got one more month til the end and the Lord has just begun to stir the pot for the big finale. This should be interesting.

Fight or Flight (Oct. 2010)

Yo,

Its October, Month of my birth. While that seemed like an exciting thing to be happening I wasn’t that much. I wasn’t like much of anything special usually happened that day but it has its surprises. It was hard to be expectant of anything good when I was still wrestling in my mind over what to do. Leave where I am and start another somewhere else or stay and wrestle with this place? Around this time, Aaron committed meeting up with me once a week. Day 1 of the month was our first meeting. He taught me how a couple little tricks but for the most part I knew what I was doing. I had my First time in actually driving to and through a Drive thru as the driver and not the passenger. Pretty sweet. I got in the meeting with PD I had set up the week previous. It was crazy in how natural and comfortable it was talking to him. It wasn’t this invisible barrier or hiarchy between us. It just felt like one of my boys picked me up and we started chatting about stuff. He opened up about his battle with Korean culture and how a recent conference along with my e-mail challenged him. This is all without me even telling him my issue. Even when I told him about my issue, it was after a nearly a hour of talking shop to begin with. I was shocked to discover his understanding and own personal struggle with the burbs which was revealed upon sharing my story. He got it. I was really surprised to see how grounded he was and aware. That was something many people here let alone in leadership lacked as they were used to and comfortable with the environment. Commenting on my dilemma, he compared me to that of John the Baptist in the wilderness. A Suburban missionary and I needed to take on the missionary mentality. Once again that word “Suburban missionary” came up. This time, I accepted the title as I now understood its meaning and embraced its calling as I knew period just lined up with me. He said something that truly rocked me though in the midst of everything that changed the game. He said that I was unique for this environment. He was the first person, let alone in his position, to say or admit I was different, rare to this environment. He said in all his years here, he had never met someone like me here or with my passion. That in me feeling alone I was going to probably keep feeling that way because of that reality. Suddenly, the comparison to John the Baptist made more sense… my struggles made more sense. Walking away from the meeting, it became clear that I was to stay but had to endure as not even missionaries in other countries saw change if at all for a long time yet they were called there.

Lately I have been heated about this issue of evangelism. I don’t know why but the subject of Evangelism methods has been a hot button topic for me which is really getting at me. I think its started since the Greg Laurie thing started approaching a month or so ago. After hearing a bunch of suburban Pastors, some I even knew, talk about it, I lost my mind. I got so mad because I saw this same cater to comfort attitude in suburban pastor’s theology on evangelism. They were essentially handicapping their congregations on sharing by convincing them the best way to share was simply by inviting people to church or church events. I was disgusted. I was angry as the Lord had revealed to me that you can witness on multiple fronts, not just one but it was all based on your willingness to be used. I studied a lot and on people’s different views only to see the same mess and the fear that bound them. I don’t what to do about it but to just stand firm and keep sharing as the Lord presents me with ops. I just pray something would change as far as all this or they would come to realize the bigger picture.

I went to visit SCC again for a regular service. I couldn’t get a ride that weekend to my church so I decided to go there. I was hoping to be able to talk with the Pastor afterwards as he had wanted to see me. Kill two birds with one stone. Surprisingly, the old Pastor of the church came into town that day to visit. I hope he didn’t think I was still going there randomly. Lol. As I’ve said before, the improvements were nice but at the end of the day, very different theology. It felt so crazy leaving there after hearing the preaching. It felt jacked because even though they too were believers, the preaching was so different even though it was out the same bible. It wasn’t like they were saying anything bad but it was just so centered on God blessing them to live better and then even when it came to serving him, it was for a return.  I could never adopt such a way of thinking or living. It feels like such a huge leap backwards but its not like I could help them see my point. I mean for me, its even hard to explain what it is that is exactly wrong. I don’t know. I didn’t end up talking to the pastor as he was busy after but it was all good. I wanted to get out of there anyways. I could talk to him another time.

My birthday was fast approaching. I didn’t realize it at first but then it hit me. I didn’t look forward too much for my big day as in the year previous I low hopes as well. It tripped out though as I what happened last year was fresh in my mind making me trip out at how short of a time ago it felt. Most years, nothing much has happened for my b-day so I have had mostly low expectations. Even last years attempt at something greater flopped HARD. Feeling the same this time around, my mind changed as in talking to one of my buddies at work he mentioned something I thought would be a cool idea to do for my B-day; Go to a Karaoke restaurant. I gotta admit I got pretty excited at the idea. So my not make a scene mentality quickly turned to “try to get as many friends to go as possible” thinking. Trying to reach out though, I couldn’t seem to find anyone available to go. Because I randomly had hopes of something more and then them falling apart, I because suddenly depressed. The thought of my B-day quickly turned to sadness as I began to feel like it was pointless. Heck of a jump but it happened. My thought of how most katz around here, as soon as people find out its they b-day go out of their way to throw huge parties. Having all these friends and feeling accepted. As folks would know, I’m not all bout that but you cant be here this long and this place not rub off on you at least a little. Even in looking back at my place in peoples lives, the only thing that flooded my mind were the people who hated me. This feeling like even in being around, it would have been better if I not been. I didn’t feel much like anybody cared about me much less that I was of any importance to their life. A reminder from a friend though, showed me that my existence bore fruit that helped at least her to get closer to the Lord. But even at that, the Lord had use for me and he was the only one I really needed acceptance from. She was right. I had lost sight of the Lord’s purpose for me but I still was just finding it hard to coop with the realities of my circumstances. On the day of, I was reminded of a Paul Washer sermon I just heard. He spoke about how us bearing fruit was not for ourselves but for others. I just want people to worship God so bad. I want them to know who he truly is, beyond the surface like me. To be saved. I asked the Lord as my birthday wish to help me to bear much fruit that people in my life my see the Lord is good and come to him too. That my existence, my place in their life, however small might work toward that goal. I just want to glory God with my life, to honor him and invite others to do the same. I just want God to get the glory so much… my soul cries out for it.

I ended up working on my B-day. Saw that nobody was going to be available for the karaoke fun times so I just picked up a shift to stay occupied. They did give me a mini cake tho. It was ok. Lol. After a long day of nothing much I must say the best present I got was waiting for me on facebook. I went on and saw many birthday wishes but one stood out above them all. It was my old neighbor from college Kata, not only saying Happy Birthday but said she missed me. Wow. That was huge as Kata rarely ever admitted she cared about me. Even at that, she was rarely on fb and talked me but sure enough. Best present that day hands down. Off the next day, Dan took me downtown for a surprise visit to a old school game shop. He offered to buy me a classic game for my b-day which was cool. I truly Inventive gift. Dan was one of the few if not only people to try to do something for me for my birthday. It was really cool seeing all the old school games all around. Good times. He was hoping I would get something for the Super Nintendo Josh had given me. Unfortunately there was nothing much there to be found as far as any games I wanted for it. I ended up picking a new Playstation RPG so I can have new game after my current to play to continue my Sermon/game time routine. I noticed as we drove around that I really hated the city. It felt like it was because it was a concentrated dose of what I hated about the burbs. I mean most of them went there nightly just to be at max stupid anyways. Introspecting on myself and that disgust, I tried to understand the source.

Where I came from, there was no issue of conformity; you just lived your life. You did your own thing. You were your own person. Here, it all about conformity. Either you conform to the majority or you try real real hard to be the minority even though you aint one at all. In both cases the people clammer to be noticed by compromising themselves by any means necessary in order to find favor in the eyes of another or in worship of something super stupid. This is why I hate this culture. This is why I don’t respect the people around here. It has nothing to do with race or gender, simply being real and true to self. Maybe it partially because that is what my environment was about. To tell you the truth though, even there I was my own man, not rollin with the dirt crowd. So no, I just am that prideful and that anti-social but while I am not wrong in my assessment, their vanity doesn’t override my issue of pride. I am still super wrong for being the jerk that I am and being so grumpy. At the end of day, when you line either of us next to Christ, we both look like crap. But to be honest, being a Christian makes it worse as I have to contend with the knowledge that not only are they worshiping man or things but that they are choosing that over my Lord who is awesome. Its maddening and gives me all the more reason to despise them. Yet my heart is wicked and find myself sinning against the Lord as they do in their way so I cant look down on them like they need not mercy but I deserve it. Christ makes us all look bad and I mean that in the right way. Lol. I gotta change man. I gotta be more like him.

After we hit up the game shop, we stopped by a pizza place to get some food on the way home. Dan talking to the host who was there and began a conversation. He was in his element and it was exactly why I wanted him to disciple me. Even though it didn’t look like that was going down in the raw, I still took advantage of the time to pull from his abilities. As I observed the convo, I realized two important aspects to it. One was that he went out his way to acknowledge the guy and show interest. And Two was that he mentioned something unnecessary to bait the guy into acknowledging him. Both were definitely not my style but both things I needed to be able to learn how to do. It would require a lot of the word I was getting used to; Humility. I had to learn to gauge how much and when for all of it. Giving out too much info can be off putting for some aka me and comes off as you wanting too much attention or being full of yourself. Too little and you just came off as a jerk… and aka me. I’d seen the results of both so I needed to get my bearings in doing this the right way. Well moreso I needed to just get myself to do it in the first place.

People from time to time seem to think we are similar but in their references its clear that we are far from it. They often refer back to a “phase” in their life not understanding this is my life. Many refuse to acknowledge that I just might not be like the others they have encountered or even themselves. That I might be different. To be real, I don’t even think a person can really lead me without that knowledge or understand as they will just frustrate themselves in my not functioning like the norm. It seems they are used to people having forms or my issues or spurts of them but not having dealt with someone who is just totally on a different tip. Katz here kinda have the naïve thought that everybody functions like they do just because we all human so do things as usual. Talk about lack of a world view. Same time, the Word’s solution for all these issue is universal, Jesus Christ, and he works every time. My pastor seemed to not only get that I was different from those here but literally shared in similar struggles, not baby “phase” knockoffs. I can see I am not really a guy who is too much comforted in someone trying to connect by saying others have hurt worse. To me that’s like two random people having been shot and one guy saying the other, “its ok, Im shot too”. It doesn’t make you feel better to know this guy is shot too or even before, you are trippin over your own pain. In our on world, other’s pain and our pain are two different things. You could do that I am hurting but I got a worse pain somewhere else that distracts from this pain thing. The thing that can get you is you hurting but seeing someone you love in danger or hurting from afar. You may be shot be you will try with all your might to get to them, to help them. Its focus that pierces the pain, that what I feel I have most times. Trying to drag my bloody carcass forward. The one person it does work with is Christ though as he is supercedes everybody and is the love one you should love the most.

Back at my church, I still been in limbo with the guys at church. Hard to break the awkward silence. I wonder how I got in this position. An African pastor came to speak today. He shared his story of how he was sponsored child with a messed up past. When he spoke, I realized how cold I had become to hearing about “surface” things. Things like how their life was good or improved. Being here where it was all about getting and being comfortable, surface didn’t count for nothing as far as where that person stands with the Lord. Many here seemed fooled but in reality there was a lot of whitewashed tombs. I was only concerned about how Christ got hold of him in the midst of that stuff, not that a girl supported him. Things like that didn’t show God’s glory, just how much you could do without him. I wanted to hear about how God transformed him in spite of his horrible past. Something that only God could do. I felt horrible as while most others were in tears, I was unshaken. It seemed like they saw so much hurt in his story which there was. Its just that it feels like they can see it so easily in the blatantly messed up guys life but I saw it already in them. To me, there isn’t much difference, especially in need for Christ.

I noticed how unhappy I seem most times and really started thinking about it. I actually asked a bunch of people if I seemed unhappy most times. The common consensus was that I was happy around friends but apart I was not so much. That I was emo for the most part. Lol. I was glad especially that my Non Christian friends who knew I was down saw me that way. Seems odd don’t it. I was glad because I wasn’t happy most times. I was being real. Life in Christ is a huge struggle and fight for me. The ware and tare is real. Honestly my life would be happier probably if I wasn’t a Christian as I would be sinning all the time to sustain my high. Sin is comparable to drugs. Being a Christian is like being sober and having to deal with the pains of reality for the first time, it hurts. I don’t want people to think that being Christian suddenly makes you life better. That Christ is a life enhancer and if you want your life to be swell all the time, get religious. Hells no. That’s not the truth. They can look at my life and see that there is a cost to being a disciple.  While many would look at this, particularly a happy go lucky Christian, and question how my life shows God’s glory I would pose to them the same. Think about it, how does it show Gods power that things go your way and you ballin when you don’t event have to be saved for that to be the case. Considering the fact that may live pretty and God aint even in their radar says it all. Me though, take my life. My life is not that great most times especially because I am living out my faith… well moreso because I am yet I still pursue him. I still love him and want to serve him. I still press on even though it blatant this could work better if I stop. So then you see that he must have done something to me to make me love him like I do. He had to have changed me. Something that can only come for his hand, not my own. To be real with you, I don’t feel like I will every really be happy til the end. What would make me happy ultimately is seeing the people here be saved and seeing Christ reign in glory. I got to wait for the end for that though but a boy can hope. Other things, I know would only be temporary. Its hard to be happy when so much death is around and its almost like you’re the only one that sees it/ can barely get the support to do nothing about it. A family would be nice but I don’t even know if that’s in the cards anymore

Its apparent that I need to kinda force myself back into Church community. As lately others had been avoidant including myself, somebody had to break the ice. I just didn’t want it to be me. Part 1 came in me calling one of the guys that I was fairly close with. Talking to him, he questioned me on my current status, seems he hadn’t noticed my mooping with all the Weddings and the like he was attending and was out the loop. Surprisingly questioning led to why I stopped going to my one old church or more specifically why I couldn’t go back. Once again, I had to explain myself as to what took place many months ago. Having went through a similar church drama, he was kinda left speechless at the level of mess that occurred (Him, me and everybody else for that matter). That was a start but come Sunday I had to force myself into the crowd. After service I had a bad habit of leaving when things got too confusing and waiting outside listening to music til my ride was ready to go. Usually I could get in at least a bit of socializing before I slipped away but lately, I was heading straight for the door at the end of service, avoiding everybody. This had to stop but it was going to be hard as navigating the crowd was so hazy for me. I just felt like I had no control and no focus, just confusion as to what to do.

I made moves to get healthy and lose weight. I am fat right now. I knew I had officially hit a low point when I was running at work and I felt my back jiggling. I mean whole portions, chunks, of my back was rising and falling as I ran. Sick. I feel my excess and I need to slim down quick before I default at a really bad spot. Because of all the depression I had been eating pizza and Ice Cream, constantly. I hadn’t been able to control myself and got into a habit of eating out. To make things worse, food in the cafeteria at work had been horrible for weeks. Me and the other guys have had no choice but to go out for food almost everyday of the week in necessity. To combat this and try to back myself in a corner, I waited til I ate all my regular food and then bought a bunch of healthy stuff to replace it. It had been a long time since I actually bought fruit. My hunger for pizza and Concrete mixers (Shout out to Culvers. Lol) was killing me as my body was so used to eating that in habit for certain times like in watching certain shows of the like. It was going to be super hard. My flesh was getting the best of me like mad. I saw a need to work out my knees as they were getting worse, making it hard to drive because they weren’t used to be hyper extended. So I thought it would be a good idea to get a bike. Then again I had second thoughts as I realized I wouldn’t be able to bike much with Winter just around the corner. My buddy at work saw my prob and suggested getting a indoor bike trainers so I could just hook it up to that to ride inside for cheap. Sounded like a plan only problem was that those things costed a bit much. After much searching I found one for a reasonable price. Then it was on to the bike itself. Looking around, I was frustrated as most bikes cost stupid amounts of money. I was not willing to pay so much when I had spotted bike for less that 80 all the time around the stores. Problem was that I found out those bikes were a bit smug for my height. After going from store to store and feeling like I was going to settle on a high price, I came across one that was cheap aka on clearance and had potential. It was up top at a Toys R Us but I needed to get it down to see if I even fit on it. A clerk tried to get it down but found out it was stuck. I asks, if I got the bike if I could get it that day if I wanted to pay extra for assembly. They said it would be next day which sucked. A manager had to come back to help to get the bike. The bike they had on display was pretty much untouched being that it was on the top so I asked if I could take it if I wanted. Come to find out, it’s not only the last one but since it was on clearance it was cheaper than advertised. Double sweet. It was already assembled and every to. Even at that, since it was the last, the manger waived the assembly fee for me. Talk about a blessing from God, wow. I rode out that day with new hope that I could lose this weight.

Next time I went to church, I made sure I was going to break my bad running streak in community. I made a point not to bring my headphones and made up my mind to force myself to stay inside til it was time to go. It worked out. Just before the end of church, I remembered at the last second what kinda made me distant in the first place suddenly. It was the grumblings that was happening. It was so long ago though, I was over it and just sucked it up and went for it. I tracked down some people and got into some convos, breaking the silent streak. It wasn’t like too much of a awkward reunion as I made a point to kinda be over the top in my approach to kill that. After about 20 to 30 minutes of socializing though, I lost steam and felt lost myself. I was suddenly there looking clueless as I didn’t know what to do anymore. As I looked around, it was like I couldn’t focus anymore especially in it not being on person I knew to direct my attention to. After that point, I struggled not to leave til my ride was good to go. I at least wanted my music. Lol. With me learning to drive and the people giving me a ride recently announcing that they were going to have a baby, it will be interesting to see how things will turn out.

It interesting later in the month as some doors seemed to close while others opened up. Trying to reach out to my younger brother took a turn for the worse as he continued to not really speak to me in e-mails I sent. He seemed to didn’t want share anything his newly acquired life over the pond, feeling like I was being noisy and rude when I was just asking how he was doing. He still never addressed whether he really was engaged or not. Feeling as though, in his time living with me, that I mistreated him he took a stance of spiteful resentment. Easy for him to do when he already used me to get what he wanted. Even though I tried to plead with him, he just stopped responding nonetheless. I must say, he should be glad he is far away because if he was around I would beat the crap out of him in his arrogance. But to be real, its not that I didn’t figure he would be dirt and do this one way or another. It sucks that in being a Christian I kinda had to let this happen to help him yet it just helped him to run away and become a bigger jerk. I don’t how that works but all I know if that he wont be having any excuses when the crap his the fan. Me and Erin stop talking. I cut her off for awhile because of her avoiding attitude. She tries to bust her typical runner move by trying to say we shouldn’t be friends anymore. I disregarded it though and opted for a break time til years end for her to think about stuff and me to get my crap together too.

Interestingly, I got a chance to counsel a young lady on facebook randomly that my roommate was talking to. A friend of his was dealing with a issue that Ended up being a Christian matter so I interceded. Ends up being that she had broke off an engagement she had with a non Christian because she realized it was against Gods Word. I was deeply encouraged by her testimony and boldness to take such a step. Its often that Christians are willing to man up and being willing to lose people especially when they in a relationship with them. I encouraged her and offered my number so she can get down with the text ministry. The next day she asks to send our convo to friends and fam to better clarify why she had to break it off. I must say the request threw me off guard, especially being that she thought my words were worth of such a thing. Later though, I got a angry call from her ex. She forgot to take my number out the letter of which she sent to her angry non supporters. Epic Fail. Amazingly by the grace of God, I somehow reasoned with him in his anger and turned the situation into a witnessing/ counseling call. By the end he was just about laughing and understanding of what went down. I had to apologize to him though as I had not considered his feelings as much when I spoke to her. Hearing from him definitely gave me compassion and more clarity on the situation but didn’t change the facts. It was messed up though cuz I came to find out another friend was in a bad relationship too and I counsel her the same. It frustrated me to see this lack of discernment continue with women that they wouldn’t get a descent Godly man. It continued to upset me that from the most mature Christian woman to the least, they seemed to share a lack of a Godly standard of what to look for.

 

I was finally able to Talked to pastor Wale from my old church. I was curious to know why he wanted to see me. Come to find out he thought it was something he did that made me leave the church as after I had originally met him. When he had first arrived, I was on my way out or transition away to another church. So I only sat in for like 2 or 3 sermons of his before leaving officially. The one time we did talk, I asked him some questions about his theology for the most part. I could see how he could get the wrong impression. I clarified it wasn’t him or the church not being as far as not being “up to date” but a theological difference. Thankfully, he didn’t take me mentioning that as a op for debating as I feared. On the contrary, He welcomed me to visit and come whenever I want. Like friends visiting each others home. It was pretty cool of him in that reaction.

Talking to a dude I been building with at church and I find out a bit of his origins. He talks about how he got involved in church in all these different things and got a true sense of community there. From his testimony and what I could see there was a clear difference. I began to question whether there was something that I was missing or opportunities that were eluding me that I just was seeing. As it seems, he looked at me and another Christian at church as having powerful connections with God. He spoke as to say he would like to have my life. I looked at him crazy. He’s a dude that has everything going for him and I halfway looked at him the same. Good looks, Well paid job, engaged one of the hottest and Godliest women at the church (of whom I found out as him). It was just funny in that. We both wanted what each other had but I don’t think he really knew the sacrifice to get it and to be honest nor did I to have the things in his life.

I became confused. For a while I felt like I needed to focus on getting my crap together. Then I felt like I maybe I being too self centered so I needed to focus on others. I realized now its God whom I need to focus on/ wrestle with. My flesh was destroying and distracting me. I needed him. I remembered that Prayer Requests can take awhile to kinda kick in as it were sometimes. As I had been praying for things over the past few months, it seems like they are not starting to manifest until now. I am just now rebounding at church in talking to people of which I am happy about. I have to keep it up.  Heard a sermon on having a spirit powered ministry versus a man powered one. Really got me thinking on how you know the difference. Asking the Pastor, he didn’t even know and he the one that posed it. Lol. You cant go based off a feeling as a whole because that can be deceiving and you cant go based off a results as a whole because sometimes you wont see and a lot of times it don’t mean nothing. I would like to understand though

I went to Community group again and spazzed out. That day, I asked if we could introduce accountability in the groups normal rotation. We got some in but it was really skimming. Once again accountability went nowhere. The bible study themselves have been whack and a waste of time. Just like their other event I attended, the same lack of substance was there. I saw no reason to go back especially when I couldn’t even get in descent talks with people to build. If you tried to talk to someone individually, someone else would jump in and you couldn’t go deep. It would just be better to focus on after church building seeing how that’s much of my only option at this point. Feeling drained and disappointed, I felt even worse when I came home to find that the girls I spoke to before, got back with or stayed the guys they wasn’t suppose to be with. Seeing this left me hopeless. To add to that, my experience at CG further drained me. When I talked about my experiences with the Lord, people like always, looked at me like I was a idiot. I hated feeling like nobody got it and thought I was just trippin. Being the odd man out. I missed being at my old Harvest small group a lot. My one boy who left himself, suggested I go back, unfortunately he forgot I was banished. Lol. I would have never left if I had a choice. Outsourcing is a must with most of these churches around here. None of them really have the total package per say.

Even thinking about being back in that Harvest crowd, I couldn’t help but think about if it would work out being back at the church as a whole. To this day, with all my growth, I still don’t believe I could be there without there being problems. Its one thing I have found. In all the churches I have been to and church folks I have been around, there is something different about them. There is a spirit or aura in the air around most in the congregation. I could never put my finger on it in the past. When I mentioned something was wrong or even asked if anybody else could feel it, they mostly just looked at me like I was crazy. Its not until now do I realize what it is. It feels like there is a actually spiritual force holding back the people from progressing past a certain point in their walk. Like making them remain at this certain point and not step into the fullness they could be in. I mean the biblical teaching coming out of there is greater than most in the area. Their resources and whatnot are great yet there is something binding them. For other churches, it makes total sense they are where they are or even at that, they are still building. Harvest is different and so is the presence in the air around the people. My Charismatic peeps would call it a spirit of Religiousity.  There is some presence that is blind folks from their surrounds. Trust me, I have been around flaky people and the like that are super horrible but its not like they are like that even though they have their share. Many are strong but there is haze that I hard to explain that seems to blind them. I don’t know. To them or a person who is not in a more spirit focused church I would sound crazy but I know I am not. Praise the Lord they have accomplished so much yet whatever is there is there and if they can do all this with it, how much more without it. The provoking of my spirit by that presence coupled with my already anti social issue makes it so being around them would mess me up pretty quick. My struggle with my anti-social shortcoming has always made discerning what the heck was wrong confusing as I didn’t know if it was of the spirit or my own trippin ness (yes I made up a word). I know better now that it wasnt me but then again my issue made reacting to it worse.

I come to realize I need to establish greater standards when it comes to who I will allow myself to date. Lately the brother sister divide has been coming up as such a big issue for me. In relation to that its caused me to more introspect on the tone of the relationships I have with my women friends. I tend to not want to be prejudice when it comes to possible women to holla at. I see how extremely vain women are or can be in instantly friend zoning guys that are not hot enough and not even giving them a chance. I don’t want to do that too but I see in my weakness I am prone to want to hope in the possibility of a relationship with any girl. There is a need to go into brother mode though but for a single guy as oppose to a guy with a girl, its harder to determine when. Well moreso for me because I am not instantly Disqualifying girls but leaving them all open to chance aka not good. I discovered that I only had a 3 women to memory of whom I hollaed at that weren’t weak or in distress. All 3 were pivtol standard raisers. I realize I cant get with girls that are in distress but that they must be able to be self sustaining. This cuts down my options but allows me to take a better tone in friendship that will protect me better. I am disappointed though as I look at myself and my life. In learning all I have about myself, all the more I wonder how anyone could love me other than Jesus, especially a woman. I am so messed up. Even though I have my fair share of drama from time to time, I don’t really do anything. I have a lot of time to play video games and watch movies because I seemingly have no life. Most friends are unavailable or unreachable and the church as bearly any ops to do anything. I am in no condition to be with a woman or much of anything. I look sad to be real. A hermit

Speaking with Scott about my social issues, we got back to the point that introverts have limited social energy verse a outro with limitless. In parallel to his wife who I spoke to before he spoke from the Outros point of view. Making a great point that outros actually feed off the energy of others to keep going. This made me realize why when I used to go out witnessing, I would get so drained versus the others who were outros. At the same time, I know I can go hard its just the consistency that is my issue. Keeping it up is hard and tiring and people can be very very unforgiving if you take a break. If you have a rep of being a screw up, when you screw up, its not surprise and nobody really cares. Its expected. But if you have rep for not, the moment you do, grace is thrown straight out the window and everybody will try to kill you. Even though, halfway, you earned room to mess up once in a blue moon, people still will only remember the bad and not good. They want that non stop charismatic guy but I cant give it. All I can do is do what I can at same time I do that the spirit gives strength. If it wasn’t for it, I don’t think I would have been able to go beyond the bounds as I have but I still have a limit. Scott mentioned a good way he moves to slow down and pace himself in the social thing. By being active in ministry, it would allow him to be able to look busy yet close and not distance. All the while he doesn’t have to talk as much or its more closed as it more relegated to his team he is working. Even after the fact, you still have remaining energy in hiding in the hussle and bussle to talk to people more individually after your done. Perfect con. Lol. That mug was straight up and sounded perfect for what I needed. A control social environment that allowed me to halfway hide in plain sight. Good stuff. This could be the breakthrough I have needed to get through this social thing at church.

While consistency and discipline wise, thing have not been where they have needed to be they have gotten better or off to a respectable start. Even with the disorder, I have learned some valuable lessons that are going to change the game a bit for the time to come. Lets see how it all works out.

Fallback (September 2010)

Fall is here…great (*sigh)

Did I mention I don’t like the Fall. Lol. Usually around this time stuff gets crappy a bit. Still ponder on things from before, my issues with others was still every present. My lingering social handicaps are getting more glaring now that my depression it flaring more and more. People don’t know what to think and I don’t blame them. Going back to what I said before, people don’t know my start point. Its kinda a thought that I should be the outgoing one or at least be very courteous and open when approached. They are not aware that I am meeting them more than halfway for me as what I have been able to do is nothing short of a miracle. For me and how bad my social woes are, it’s a lot. I’m tired of people wanting me to tap dance and be Mr. Social yet not want to meet me halfway. Cuz they expect more from me in not putting themselves in my shoes, the just complain. It seems like what they would consider halfway in dealing with me is simply tolerating my awkwardness which is not much at all. Me just making myself present most times is a lot compared to people having to hunt me down. They don’t get that though as they are only going by their gauge. Well I am tired of that. They can say all they want that I am not showing no love by going further their way but they aint showing me much love in coming mine. Its all about being more like them and not them meeting me at my level to get to know me. You can say I being a bit selfish in my mindset right now but you don’t understand how much I have exhausted and pushed myself to be able to reach out. Its draining and I’m tired yet nobody seems to be giving me a break. Things died off at church as people are seemingly distant. Looks like if I am not putting the effort then none is put in. Honestly, I don’t feel like I will be accepted by church members, especially women until I am able to be a social butterfly. Godliness doesn’t matter. Note I said church simply because in the world, I don’t have to talk/ deal with anybody I don’t want to or tolerate them even except for work. Church or dealing with Christians on the other hand is a different story with a whole other set of rules. At least Mom called again and it seems as though things are cool. She was acting like nothing ever happened. For once, her uncanny and neverending sense of denial worked in my favor. Now all I had to do was shut up and play along.

I started to realize I hadn’t had descent consistent fellowship since “the event” this year. While in first starting at this church and going to the retreat, I had couple amazing fellowship ops since then they have been few and far in between. Nobody is really available nowadays at my church and even abroad. I feel like I hit a new low. I was sitting on the coach in my boxers eating a bowl of cereal. The ambition I had from the month past has seemingly gone. I feel unable to get it together as my disciplines or moreso lack there of have left me super distant from the Lord. It halfway don’t even make sense with it having been poppin at work. I don’t know whats going on but I see the need more than ever for fellowship as I am more losing grip on my stability. I see the source is my mornings as soon as I wake up I either do something other than pray and read or I am under attack from my flesh. In that initial failure, I am in shame mode for the rest of the day and avoid God.  I wont event pray or read unless Im about to go to work which comes by default as I don’t feel right leaving without praying for a “blessing”. If I am off, its even worse because I wont do nothing unless I end up going to a church event by happen stance that night. I need some help but like I said, no one is available to babysit me til I get back on my feet. I would do it for someone else in a heartbeat but I don’t know much of anybody who would do it for me.

I have been continuing to get a lot of witnessing opportunities at work. Had one recently where I got to talk to a whole group of the guy in the back. Managed to flip the convo to a talk about the Gospel and what Christianity was really about from a off comment about people being Satanists. It was crazy as the guys I have talked to the most in the past seemed to have the hardest hearts when listen. While on the other hand, the people that didn’t seem that interested before were as I was asked different questions. It was kinda upsetting seeing the reactions of the guys I had talked to before though. I could see a major excuse they have is how you don’t know for sure if the Word aint corrupted. Its bogus. Interestingly enough though, I found out that the young new kid at my job is a Satanist. Yep. A serious Satanist. Never thought I would meet one so young. It wasn’t technically my first time though as I did meet one in college. I have to admit though, when I found out he was a Satanist I got pretty happy. I was a great witnessing op so I was excited. From his story, I saw that he was just a confused kid that just didn’t know any better and was just looking for attention. So I gave it to him, so now we talk a lot and I constant mess with him at work. Who says Christians got to be the ones persecuted? Lol. I like the kid, he just needs guidance and someone to help him understand how foolish he is being.

Josh is continuing to go bananas about wanting to do street. I figured we would have a good chance to do some with the Bahai folks coming back around. After my encounter with them last year, I was excited to get another shot at sharing the Gospel with them. Especially because I knew they had open ears. Unfortunately, this year by accident I switched shifts to where I wasn’t available to go looking for the Bahai folks again. That didn’t stop Josh though. While unfortunately that night was bad weatherwise and nobody really showed, he still went. Thankfully I was able to put him on to another witnessing op with R316 the following day. To be real, even though I was planning on going to witness to the folks at Streets, I was worried that I would run into my old group. I didn’t want to be caught around them and there be any trouble but then again it wasn’t like there was anything they could do about it. Whatevs. I think he will like it with them and will learn a lot. I did get to talk more with neighbor and found out they were Christian but didn’t really read the bible casually themselves. They attended the local “seeker-friendly” mega church so it explained the lack of… well everything. I was glad to build with her more and was hoping to see if I could get her on for my text message ministry. She was down. I met her mom too who was the primary person living there. It was funny because the same time I met her, I randomly a bunch of workers from the complex showed up at our porch and I met them too. Ha. It kinda felt short lived though as I learned that her daughter was going to the army. She was super gung ho about it to. Not too often you meet a girl who wants to be in the army that bad. Encouraged her to get into the Word as much I could before shipping out to boot camp. After hearing a Pastor talk about his testimony, I see like me, many people think they are Christian but havent read the bible. Once reading it though really, it changes their whole perspective and they truly do surrender. I wonder how much this is common

In talking with my one Asian bud, I questioned his motives in some of his questioning of me. He would ask some really broad questions but seemed to be looking for a specific answer. Come to find out he didnt it in that way but didn’t ask clearly. So I corrected him in how he should approach asking those questions especially when it came to me. Because if you asked me a questioned that is too broad, in my personality being overly explanatory, I will go on for days trying to cover it all by default. When I did that, I realized that you really do have to take into account a persons personality when talking to them a lot of times in order to reach them the right way to where they get it. Meet them where they are at as it were. As I had already known about this, in this case, it was in a different sense. One for close quarters combat as opposed to ranged or street approach.

My frustration continues as I seem to be stronger in my convictions and knowledge in Christ but am unable to get my relationship with him in check. As strong as I feel, I have still been weak in my disciplines. I don’t care about the abilities, I just more of him but my heart keeps wandering. I feel like giving up as I am resistant to pray, not because I believe he wont forgive me but feeling that I will fail again. I have been majorly discouraged. Probably why I been benched in a way. I havent had patience with God or others. I really see the need to fall back. I felt like I had direction but was still seemingly lost. I asked the Lord to help me seek him better. It feels like my offense is mad strong but my defense is total crap. One bad comment after a spirited witnessing op can send me to the fetal position hurting. I am super sensitive to rejection. So in my Defense being off, my recovery time from getting blowback takes forever.

I was able to reach out to a couple old running buddies who offered whatever help they could give to help. Having someone try to check up on me whenever they can is better than nothing. I have been increasingly thankful for their friendship and understanding. My one boy Matt said to me as I down myself saying that my changes weren’t good enough, “You’ve changed A LOT since I first you”. It interesting that the common thing with I will hear every so often from people who know me or been around me long enough is that I change or grow. Its good to know and I can see it myself, its just that for all that change, to the next man who doesn’t know me that well its nothing. He sees that God has put me here for a reason and that my bent has benefits. I can see that its just that adapting has been something the church has not aided that well in.

My health is bad and I am starting to get really concerned. My legs have been going out seriously bad. Both my knees are extra weak. I figured it was just a need exercise as I didn’t bend them too extreme too often. Practicing Driving, I could barely walk after coming out of the car after 30minutes. I found that it was deeper than that as one leg had a pain that wasn’t even really my knee but just below it. Felt like a bruise but after weeks of icing it the pain never goes away. I don’t know whats happening to my body but its got me scared. Worse part is I cant get insurance to do anything about it.

I asked my Pastor if him and the Elders could pray for me. Interestingly, after, my legs felt stronger but the bruise type deal that worried me still remained. All I can do is hope for the best and look into working out my legs somehow. Though full time status would help to get that mug checked out, another thing got me worried about that financial security as well. I had been worrying about my student loans lately. I see that I will be paying for it for just about forever. As long as I have it on me, I will not be able to take care of a family financially that well. It troubles me deeply as I want a wife and kids and to be able to provide for them. I almost want to join the army just to get the debt off my back but that’s not right tho. Lol. If only the Lord would provide a way.

In the way things have been going, I just want to run away and start somewhere new. A place where I wouldn’t have the dark shadow of bad relationships and church drama looming a dark shadow over me from my past like here. I came to a throw up between Cali and Texas. Its poppin in both places but I think I would go to Texas being that its different and would be sweet to be apart of Matt Chandler’s church.  I don’t feel led to leave or nothing but I just want to. Probably not suppose to but I feel so lost here right now. Seeing some of the atypical suburbanite Christians around here, I can see what my life would be like if I just gave in. Would be able to get a Believing wife or girlfriend, have a bunch of friends/associates, and be invited to all the churchy activities to where I would feel like I am doing something. Nice and comfy. As great as that sounds, it would be a lie. I would be truly dead inside and not in the dying to myself way. I would have to neuter myself so as to not speak truth. Just shut up, never speak up, and play along. Even though a lot of the things they like disgust or annoy me, play along like its cool. Have that coke and a smile at the dinner table and everyone will love you. I might have a girl but she wouldn’t have accepted me for who I am but for being “that dude”. Faking it to make it is not the way. I am something different than these people and this place as much as people don’t want to acknowledge it. It just makes life hard to be on this narrow path as my hopes for a wife are non existent and being embraced is almost a pipe dream. I know that I am not alone as others share my thoughts and pain somewhere, just not here with me. I learned about the Passion For Christ Movement (P4CM) recently. Well I always kinda knew they existed but I never looked into it. Their story, faith and style seem to mimic that of my own in spades. I halfway wish I could move there to be able to join their church and finally be somewhere where everybody was on the same page. Even if I did though, I think with how I am now that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them.

After over a week of waiting, I got a response back from Dan. He agrees to disciple me cautiously as he didn’t completely understand how the task would work. Even though he didn’t, I knew he had the goods as opposed to my guy from before. The way we hung out, it would be easy to get into discipleship mode. The hard part would mostly be carrying it out. He said as I asked him and he prayed on it, a word the Lord put on his heart as important was ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. As he explained the dynamics of this word, I took a step back as I realized that one word encompassed a lot in what I struggled with. I don’t want to acknowledge people who I see need to be. There are different ways and reasons why to. Its just crazy because that one word held weight. I had hope for things to come. All I know is that that word was going to be one to definitely wrestle with.

There was a conference at work for McDonalds Exes. I halfway though/ hoped my dad would randomly pop up there. Or even someone knowing him and spotting me, knowing I was his son. It was strange. I found myself not caring if I saw him again but moreso just wanting to make sure he was alive. Even if I saw him or got a chance to talk with him, I wouldn’t know how to respond. All I could think was I would get down his throat about walking out and living in the gutter. I mean what else is there really to say. Same thing with my brother, as I thought about reaching out to him but came down with the same dilemma as I wanted to chew him out about his engagement secret.

I randomly asked my friend Megan if I seemed like I was looking for something or someone to believe in when I first met her. She told me I looked up to my old boss from McDonalds, Ken Brown. That I wanted to be like him or at least that’s the impression she got with how I talked about him. I was surprised she got that impression as that far from the truth. I didn’t want to be like him but I did look up to him as he was mad cool. I thought back and remembered how he went out his way to invest time, money, and wisdom into me. I remembered when he paid for me to take the plane by myself to the Shire. Gave me a boat load of pocket change and had me stay at a hotel on his dime. It was crazy as he even took me back to the D with his family in his car. That was big. I couldn’t really mention too inspirational moments with my dad. I do remember wishing my dad was like another dude though. It was years ago that I went to the Gospel play Tyler’s church was putting on and his dad played a lead role. He sang his heart out to Jesus and the crowd went wild. After I saw him at a restaurant and I went up to him on the side and said thank you. I actually broke down in tears a bit and told him, I wish my dad went hard for Jesus like that. I was proud of him and I had wished I could have been proud of my father like that. Hmm….

I got contacted by my boy Ebi at my old church. It seems the new pastor wanted me to have a sit down talk with him. It was strange how he had taken such an interest in me. I sensed that he wanted to find out what my differences was with the church to where I could no longer attend there. Part of me figured it was that e-mail I sent him asking for permission to visit that got his attention but it was before that he was trying to get at me. Its kinda cool that the church is small enough to address this or for him to personally try to reach out like that. I didn’t want to get into a debate on what theology is the right one for the heck of it being that I don’t think neither one of us was probably going to break. Either way, I wanted to respect his request to see what he wanted so I was going to have to see about seeing him later.

From the way I have been living lately, it seems apparent that I have seemingly backslidden. I am caught in my old ways with very little control over myself. I felt like a hypocrite because I was. I wasn’t living right yet at a moments notice I would share or talk about Christ if the op came up. He was on my tongue for days but I couldn’t show I loved him in my actions in my personal life in my alone time. I remembered the many people I ran into over my walk that clung to the backslidden excuse and I asked myself what was the difference between me and them. How did I know I was even saved when I knew most of them sure wasn’t. I guy who shunned the idea of backsliding but it was obvious it was possible being that I was in it. That mean that most the katz I ran into where legitimately in this season like I was. Even researching what backsliding was, it was evident what the symptoms that led it was. I was always moreso. A season of doubt or just falling back into old ways. I don’t know about the doubt part but I was definitely in the old ways. I realized the difference between them and me though was my heart was still for the Lord, it was just my body warring against. If you could ask some of those people who claimed to be backsliding that if you had a wand that would make it so they stopped all the messed up stuff and put them perfectly back on track this moment if they would let you use it on them. Most would say no as they want to wallow in that sin til they feel done or are destroyed by it. Then creep back into the church and once they get spent on that, return to the vomit. Me, on the other hand, I hate my flesh and I wanted to be done with it and back on track super bad but I was just out of control. From the Word, I saw in those situations of backsliding that they person needed a fellow Christian to help guide them out the muck and back on track. Accountability, the exact thing I had been pining for this whole time. I was in the gym but not really working out but I didn’t just need someone to spot me like usually, I needed a personal trainer at this point to force my hand. I needed a more hands on brother to help me out. I could only pray the Lord would provide.

Looking back again over the past year, things have definitely not gone as hoped. When the Lord said reformation, he was talking about a lot in my life but moreso me than things churchwise. There has been a lot of pain and it almost doesn’t seem worth it to endure as I have seen no big revival or conversion happen because of it. Yet and still, while I have not seen droves of people this and that in comparison to the level of pain I think I have endured. The truth of the matter is that it has bore fruit. It hasn’t been the droves my pain wants there to be in response to what I have endured but there has been lives effected for the better. Essentially I have to ask myself, If I endured all kinds of hell just to build a testimony that will save only one person is it worth? The answer would have to be yes as their life is that valuable to me and to the Lord I serve. I know that every bit of growth is making me a better minister and rep for Christ and allowing me to share the truth more clearly and that’s what its all about. It wasn’t long later that I had a sudden desire to reach out to people that I halfway wrote off or didn’t want to talk to less we got into an argument. I got a deep concern for them that feels like its enabling me to bear with them in their ignorance to minister to them. Truth in love. I am going to try to reach out to them to dialog and hopefully share

Got a couple chance recently to catch up with my boy Alan. He came with me to my church to visit. He seemed to like it. PD preached on Prejudice and challenged the congregation to send him a e-mail if the subject struck a cord with us. It was interesting because I was thinking about the subject of prejudice but in a different way than he preached on. It was how we can be prejudice by just hanging with our own kind or race moreso exclusively. To be real, it was kinda what was happening at the church already. So I sent him a e-mail to get his thoughts. Sat down with a friend of Alan as they were doing a Friday night bible study. They didn’t do a bible study as much as pick my brain and talk amongst themselves tho. I felt embarrassed as when the guy tried to talk to me, asking simple questions, I was hesitant to answer. It was messed up as the guy was trying to be friendly and really trying just to try and get to know me. I really felt like crap as I had trouble crossing that threshold. Asking me about Jesus though, I spoke passionately. He said that I definitely had the spiritual chops. I saw that he was impressed by my desire for God but he still wanted to know who I was but I could barely reveal it. I am starting to see that as people start asking these questions I tense up and the only way to get past it is bum rush it and say everything outright. Kinda a all or nothing deal. Hmmm…

Today I realized I am in a fight or flight mode. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel grounded. What I mean by that is that I don’t know if I am truly suppose to stay here. Because of that, the option to leave seems appealing. To start fresh without the drama of this suburb and its people haunting me. The thing is I don’t want to just bounce unless God wants me to. I am not trying to just run from his will and get myself jacked up. I mean I kinda took that risk before but this is on a whole other level. I mean if I leave, that’s dropping everything. Leaving my job, breaking my lease, ditching my roommate all to go to a place I don’t know to start from the ground up all over again. While that sounds rough, the potential in going sounds so good. Better church, a chance at finding a wife, at getting a job I might be able to actually advance in. I love the possibilities. I know I could stay but if I stay I feel like I will be forced to adapt but in a way I don’t know. That’s not really the issue though, the issue is I don’t know what I am fighting for here. If I keep on here, I don’t see a sunny horizon. I don’t believe that there will be a random revival or the evangelism team I hope to be apart of will manifest. That even things will change or grow in the church in a reasonable way. I don’t think my being here will make a difference so while I might be able effect a couple people I ask myself whats really the point when I may be able to go so much further IN LIFE somewhere else. While it does seem like there is nothing here for me, I still have to wait on the Lord. If he has something here for me I have to know. Even at that, I need to know where to go.

I feel a bit of a change in that I have been able to pull it together a bit recently. I feel like someone is praying for me. I am going to reach out a bit to try to get wrangle up more support, whatever I can get to keep up the momentum. I managed to muster up the courage to talk to neighbor after her daughter left. Offered to walk her dog sometimes and invited to take her to Greg Laurie crusade I heard about and didn’t want to go to. This was very out of character for me. It was a pretty big stick you neck out thing to offer to walk the dog especially with it being a big boy wilded out pup that was teething. It was a bold move and big step in a better direction. I am thankful I was by God’s grace able to come through on something. She actually agreed to go too. So now randomly I had to find a way to get to this Crusade I knew nothing about. In talking to my neighbor, I realized how small talk can effect a person. Just asking simple questions she was scary about answering them because they painted a picture she didn’t want to be seen. It made me realize why I don’t like answering small talk questions. Because people judge you based off of them. Those simple questions add up to who they see you as. Like the job you have, your age, the music you like, besides your looks this is what people make assessments about you on. I think I so desire for people to know the real me that I am reluctant to share with the “image” less they form the wrong judgment. I know I’m handsome so I am not concerned about my looks. lol. Even though being black around here does render some subtle prejudice and preference. In a place that’s all about image, its hard not to be concerned about it as it can be make or break you most times. I want people to know and see me as a man who is passionate for Christ and people do see what when they get close enough. I would just have to learn to overcome my fears to share the image regardless of the response. In learned that part of being unashamed of the Gospel was being unashamed of who I was because it showed who God saved and could save aka a messed up dude like me.

I had to take a training class at work one day. I was one of the first in the room and sat at a table. Everyone seemingly avoided sitting at my table as slowly the trickled into the room. By the time it was about to start, every other table was filled as everyone avoided me. Even my own peeps didn’t sit next to me but moved to the table where the person they wanted to suck up to was. It was so interesting watching the people make their choice of where to sit. It was partly because of the presence I give off a lot of times but also how stinkin sheepish people are aka why I cant stand them. Its all about fitting in. People had good seats. Made a decision themselves to sit there but because they didn’t want to be alone, wanted to belong, they moved to follow another. This is the reason I cant stand the people here. Followers who have no spine. It was so bad that Santos had to come over and tell me to move because I was suppose to be in a group. It wasn’t my fault everybody ducked me like the plague, moving more seats to a singular table just to be with their peeps instead of going where there was space. My boy Frank ended up dragging me in my chair to the other guys table. It wasn’t embarrassing as much in him raw dragging me while I was still sitting in my chair openly in front of everybody and making a scene but the fact that I was left there alone period. It wasn’t like I sat there in rebellion or something or because I didn’t want to sit with them. I just got there first and wasn’t moving just because they decided to sit somewhere else. That’s what they expected me to do, just follow to fit in. Wrong.

The day had finally come for the big Greg Laurie Crusade thingy. Even though I didn’t agree with his method of evangelism aka decision boy, I still couldn’t front that God was or would use this thing regardless. I had to be happy in that fact that at least it got more than half of the Christians around here that are scared to death of sharing the Gospel to actually man up for once to talk to people. Moreso because they didn’t have to actually share it but just invite people to come to a thingy where they shared it. Lol. Its sad but whatever, what can you do. I really didn’t want to go as 1) I wasn’t a fan of the guy or his methods 2) it was pointless to go if you were a Christian as it was suppose to be for evangelism purpose only (even though I know made Christian were going for the hell of it) and 3) I super didn’t want to run into anybody I know from my old church. I mean there were sponoring it for the most part anyways and most of the their church was going to be the volunteers for it. Kinda had me salty that even to this day, because that unsolved crap, I still I am shaky about being around them katz *sigh. Well I had to go. I already asked my neighbor but even at that, I randomly was about to reach out to one of my friends that morning as she was struggling bad. In a attempt to help, I invited her to come with which she gleefully accepted. I had to admit, for something I didn’t want to go to, I was definitely super thankful for the opportunities the Lord gave me to go with these folks. Unfortunately though, my neighbor canceled last second but my friend was still down.

When there, luckily I didn’t really run into nobody. I had to wait a bit for her to show up, so when I finally went in we got really really bad seats aka in the raptures in back of the actually stage. Lol. They had a couple Christ artist sing that I wasn’t familiar with that were big. I wondered why they were playing Christian poppy or worship music when the mostly there was suppose to be unbelievers there that would connect with it or think it was good. It was music meant for Christians and sure enough the over abundance of Christians that shouldn’t have been there but came to get a free concert and sermon got a kick out it. I sat next to a group of teenagers that seemed to be dragged there. As everything went on, I could see their confusion and slight disgust at the happenings. I understood. If I wasn’t down, I feel the same and almost did even as a believer. Though I must say, that Jeremy Camp guy layed it down. His testimony in and of itself was mad powerful. The message was halfway watered down or I would say moreso just aimed exclusively at the hurting and broken so it went clear past the kids I was near. I was upset as I knew if the raw Gospel was preached and not some suited up version, it may have touched them. The presentation left out a whole category of people that couldn’t connect. That day I felt like I was tricked into titheing into their ministry by God in a way. Lol. I had withdrew a 20 to pay for my friends parking when she arrived but I never got around to using it. When Pastor James asked the crowd for loot to support the ministry, I wanted to use the “I never carry cash excuse” but then I realized I had money. Reluctantly, I was like ”you got me” and gave up the cheese. Even though I didn’t like how he rolled, I couldn’t deny that the Lord would use the ministry so I just let it go.

My friend was happy though. Deeply encouraged to see many people seemingly come down to “pray the prayer” to get saved. As people flooded the showfloor, it became obvious how many people weren’t moved at all if not were the tailgating Christians that just came for a show. As she spoke of how she never saw that many people give their life to Christ at once, I knew better. I didn’t want to kill her joy by sharing the reality, that chances were that many of those people weren’t saved. Chances were higher that many would pray the prayer and never go to church or even really read after having had their “spiritual experience”. That’s how it mostly goes for the whole decision experience. All I did was pray that those who were there, that if they didn’t really give it up that they would and if they did, they would go far.

As the month concluded I was left with a touch dilemma. Do I stay where I am or leave to start anew somewhere else? Fight or Flight? Do I conform, leave, or am I a catalyst of change. With the importance of this decision weighing on me I set up sit downs with some friends through out the week, capping off with a meeting with PD. I hoped that I would hear wisdom that would give me clarity in these uncertain times for me. If any… I got a cheap Xbox360 from Josh cuz he didn’t want his anymore. And in the end, isn’t that what its all about. LOL. Just Kidding :p

The Follow Thru (August 2010)

Yo,

New month huh? Mmmm… with all that was revealed last month I felt like this month was going to be about following thru on the things I needed to do. At current though, the things I needed to get in order weren’t exactly available. I needed to see what doors were open to progress in what I wanted/needed to get accomplished. I am trying to make semi eat better with healthier food choices that is being supported by work and their new health kick. Now all the caf’s foood is more leaning toward that end so it helps. I managed to get a exercise ball to do a DVD workout which I must say was pretty sweaty.  Either the eating or the exercising lasted very long before becoming non existent. While I was still curious about making the change at work, changes of another kind was happening. A lot of the higher ups were leaving to go to a new hotel that was just opening downtown. Seemed like they were jumping ship before things got bad at our place which spelled trouble for us aka my plans going ups in smoke. Learning to drive unfortunately came to halt as well as I didn’t have anyone available to do it. Even Josh copped out on me, wanting me to pay to drive. I tried even to make a deal with Josh that I would do street with him if he gives me Free driving lessons. He declined, betting on my passion to see people saved propelling me to go with him either way. Things weren’t looking to hot to start as I hoped. Even worse still another friend asked me to stop sending bible verse text. She was a Christian friend who was one of my biggest supporters of my text ministry so this really threw me for a loop. Come to find out that she had a JUST started dating this guy aka go on a date or two. That being the case, from her influence from people at her church aka my old one, she was sold on the idea you couldn’t have guy friends texting you, even if there bible verses. Yet again, bad theology made out of fear caused me to lose a friend. I saw we were at the end of our time as friends as because her having a bf meant she was going into Harvest overprotective mode. It troubles me to see more that the gap that has been placed to where Guys and girls in the Christian realm cant be friends when actually we supposed to be as close as brother and sister ever expanded. And so I had to say goodbye to good friend and sister.

I got a chance to the leader about the state of young adult group at church and he seemed open to dialog and change. A lot more than I could say for people I encountered in the past. Even though I had ideas or suggestions, I wanted to be as submissive as possible as I was called to be the leader of this thing but this man. Dialoging and understanding wasn’t hurting nobody either though. I talked to my pastor again to set up another meet to talk about Discipleship. On that day though, he canceled and suggests I let the outreach pastor do it which was the last person I wanted to with his theological viewpoint.  After having talked to the guy last month, there seemed to be a difference of outlook that I was afraid that he was going to try to force upon me. I disagreed with moving forward with him in that role so he rescheduled to talk about who would better suit me. It was a really funny coincidence but at the same time in thinking about it, he might have been the right guy for me. Even though he was heavy on friendship and not really in agreement with direct sharing, the friendship aspect is where I needed to grow. I was just afraid of him being sicked on me to dumb me down or stop me from street. Calling back later, I humbled myself before my pastor. I told him what my fears were and he laughed as he understood my concerns. I agreed to a meet with the guy to see if we would make a good match. Things were moving but because of the infrastructure aka being that its hard to get a hold of anybody it was going to take awhile for things to progress.

Stopping by my friend’s house from work one day after Community group because I was in the area, he ended up not being home but his teenage live in was. I managed to say hi still and hi to his girl who showed up later as well. All was well but I randomly got a call in the middle of the night and it ends up being my friend who is angry and tells me to stay away from his family. I was shocked and confused as to why I am suddenly cut off from ministering to them. I wrestled with how to do damage control and fix things. I didn’t know why he was mad or if it was even him that was or someone else who set him off.  Come to find out, it was him that was mad but I didn’t know for sure what for. All I knew was that I might have to accept that I cant fix this to where I can continue to operate like I was before. With how stubborn he can be, I am faced with having to learn how to truly let go even though the situation maybe bogus. I had been making leeway with him and his family and I didn’t want to give that up but wanted to see God transform them. Looking back, all of my separations but a few have been bad endings which have made it hard to let go. I had to accept this one in order to possibly save me friendship with him. In him being mad, I went out my way to try to reach out to him finally to make peace. Him being the typical stubborn guy he can be, he not only said that he didn’t want to talk but that he was just going to continue to be salty. His resistance to my white flag efforts ignited a super malicious attitude in response to where I was intent on wanting revenge on him. The thoughts and schemes that came to my mind to get back at him for being a jerk and playing me off scared me alot. I had to really pray and ask the Lord give me peace as he was fine with exiling but I was far from fine. Sure enough, the Lord revealed that I needed to forgive him which took me by surprise. I was so caught with the fact that he needed to forgive me in him being the original offendee that I didn’t see the unforgiveness building in my own heart from his response. I could see it in other areas of my life as well. Knowing my issue put my heart to rest as I could see what needed to be changed. I needed to seek to walk according to love. I decide to give him one week to make peace or else I would go to the management. Even though it wasn’t a work issue, if he stayed like he was, he was going messed things up at work.

After a week, I finally got a chance to talk to ole boy about what happened. I was thankful to the Lord as not only was he off most the days leading up to it so I didn’t have to deal with his salty mug but I was able to talk him without forcing it through management. Confronting him in an empty room he was working on, I spoke to him. He still didn’t want to say why he was mad but simply put he was just upset at the constant drama that came from me being in his home life. I totally understood as being friends with his girl meant, if she was mad, he would get the earful by default. He just wanted me to just be his friend at work but keep the home separate. I understood. I apologized for whatever ways I might have made things rough for him and agreed to stay away. It really sucked as I really loved and cared for his family and didn’t want to lose contact with them. Doing that, his demeanor changed instantly as it seems that all he wanted was to be friends but just keep it at work so he didn’t have more home stress. He went back to normal like nothing happened. Its crazy when I see that in folks. Its like they are possessed when the Satan gets a foothold in their mind and they get to the point where they demonize you in their head. At that point, everything but submission is an act of war, even saying you love the person. They are gripped in hate and will remain that way til they get their way. It’s a instant transformation back to normal. Sick. He said it showed a lot of character that I said sorry and he was thankful. Its going to take a bit of time but I guess we will be back to normal sooner than later.

I had some out the ordinary spiritual movement happening around this time too. I got crazy mad opportunities to witness to my co-workers. I mean full on Gospel presentations like halfway they was askin for it. It was a lot of openness that lead to a lot of dialog. Its funny how when I share though sometimes, I can see others disturbed in knowing I am and will go out their way to stop by interrupting sometimes. Straight up like how people reacted to intruders in the dream world in Inception (amazing movie btw). One morning I was randomly contacted by my mom and my cousin one right after the other. My cousin was sending a text to accept her relationship with a nonbeliever after finally responding to the rebuke I sent her months and months ago. My mom was calling to finally talk about our argument and try to make peace after our fight. I was trippin at the sick “coincidence” of both my family members trying to reach out dang near at the same time. The Lord was definitely at work. Unfortunately, talking to my mom didn’t work out too great as she didn’t listen to word I said and just took everything as I was calling her a bad mother. She was still trippin but I at least had hope as her even calling was big enough. A crazy thing too was I finally manned up to talk to one of my neighbors. We talked for like 45 minutes. I must say, I was proud of myself. On a side note, saw the Expendables and it was a bit of a let down but Scott Pilgrim was amazing. lol

The Lord seems to have really cut off a lot of my female connects for whatever reason

I had been wrestling a bit over not being able to continue to pursue a relationship with Jen. I questioned whether we really weren’t good for each other or I simply was DQ’d out of fear relating back to her trust issues. I wondered if I even had a chance at all. Calling Jen I tried to get clarity on why we stopped in our seeing of each other. Simply put, she wasn’t interested in me anymore. There was nothing I could do.

All the drama going on made me realize something big, God has been trying to kill me this entire time. I was worried about targeting these other things but in reality God was targeting me. These situations were coming up because he was trying to change me and help me to die to my flesh. My flesh had risen up so much in the last couple weeks to reveal what I needed to change and die to myself in. He was trying to sanctify me and I needed to realize my issues so that I could do what I needed to accordingly less more mess come my way in discovery. I think I kinda figured out why I suck at sharing simple casual things about myself but can easily share intimate personal stuff. Something like sharing my age, where I live, even my last name can make me feel defensive at times whereas it normal to other people. Its like the simple stuff is a fence or gate surrounding the personal stuff. It keeps me safe in a way. I feel in a way like a person working at Area 51. I openly tell people about what we are working on in the facility that is sensitive info but I wont let people on the base to actually go even though they know what all is going down. This is vice versa as people normally will let people all up and in the base to look around but will restrict access to almost every room and not tell you anything top secret. It reminds me of meeting a randomly mysterious homeless man who has this deep story of loss. He just shared something that was uber deep with you and you feel like you even know the guy if not bond with him. At the same time, you realize you have no clue who this guy really is in a sense. Being that, you would be able to find this guy on the internet or anything because you have none of his causal info. So if he left your side, it would be like he was never even there as you would have probably nothing more than a first name and a memory. Crazy. Maybe there is something there in that. Not wanting people to have that info to use against me, to find me or hurt me in some way. To have control to where I can fade away. I don’t know.

Had a sit down with the one Pastor from my church about him possibly discipling me. After sharing my shortcomings I was really disappointed as his solutions seemed to be to continue what I was already doing and halfway not get discipled. Like he was discouraging it and just saying really more on small group. Problem with that was small group couldn’t be relied on in the first place seeing how 1) they didn’t have a individual accountability setup and 2) they weren’t available outside of church … EVER. As I called him out on it, he had this look of shock that I didn’t just roll over on his ideas. I am starting to love the look of shock people have when you say No to them. Its like they never heard the word in the burbs. Lol. He just seemed really unwilling to step up to the task. He tried suggesting that he make assignments of talking to at least 1 or 2 people at church here and there but that was nothing I didn’t do on my own. I needed someone to show me in the raw how to communicate and walk through it with me. To be an example and let me watch them. Life on Life. Seemed like a dead end though as he didn’t seem up for the task. Honestly, I didn’t even know if he had the chops. So that was a letdown. I feel like nobody from the burbs gets or takes my struggle with anti-socialism serious because its nothing to them. Even he undermined it even though I told him my story. That being the case, they always just chalk it up to me being foolish or just trying to play a race card as an excuse. People can be so ignorant.

Going to one of the church events for their last meeting I was dissuaded from having the meeting about changes there that was supposed to have had that day by one of the church men. Being there once again felt like a big waste of time. I became frustrated as it felt like with everything at church, I kept hitting a brick wall. Just when I thought things were going right, BAM, it would come to a screeching halt. No progress was made and I was tired of playing house. I just about gave up on coming to the thing anymore even though it was the last day. I didn’t care anymore about suggesting crap or even participating in things as they were all dead ends it felt. I felt alone. Looking at the Word and everything the Lord has taught me, there is suppose to be this unity and whatnot but its nonexistent. The church poltics get in the way of stuff and people raw sinful nature. I want to make moves on my own (not be rogue or off the grid or nothing) but I cant do it on my own. I mean the way things are as far as trying to learn to talk to people I need help to learn in the first place but if I did have that on lock I wouldn’t need help. Just a really stupid Catch 22. I feel so lost.

I noticed something about my church. It had great Community as opposed to other churches I had been at. All churches have their strong points and weaknesses. Your experience there varies on how you interact with it. So if you are surfacy Christian, who is a social butterfly but doesn’t dig deep, your church experience is going to be wayyy different than the social misfit. Both experiences are valid its just they are encountering certain facets. While my church felt very accepting, allowing you to come in and feel close, for me it didn’t have any means to excel. I needed to progress. There was a definite need to get past this social barrier that had been handicapping but it didn’t seem to have the infrastructure to help me along in things. There didn’t seem to be an infrastructure for accountability in the areas I needed.  Participating in what they did have, they seemed to lack something. I cant even reach people to fellowship outside church or a event. I want to change what I can but moreso myself. I would have to outsource to get what I needed. Accountability, Discipleship, etc was on me to find as it didn’t seem to cover the based I needed covering. If there was one thing, the place was a good starting point to nurture my social skills as people seemed to be able to bear with my shortcomings a lot better than other places. I feel like Lately, I feel like I cant even be accountable with people because if I share I am placing too much on their shoulders. I am totally down and pursuing of others in accountability. I want that for myself but nobody does it really. Even though I am willing to carry that weight, few to none are for me. That’s how its always been. All give and no take, that’s especially why the girl I was dating was a breathe of fresh air. I mean I cant very will have people babysitting me but that’s what I feel like it is. I suck at the social so if I am in a group, if I don’t know anybody will cling to the person I know. So if they basically don’t babysit  me or help me along I will basically be there off to myself being emo. It sucks to have that responsible to put on you like that just for knowing me. Mad bogus. I don’t know what to do. All I know if and when I get my own car I might be wildin cuz I will not stick around for much of nothing at church. My patience has wore thin and I tired.

I was contacted by my friend of whom I had that argument with that he needs to speak to me over the situation that happened. We hadn’t really talked it out yet. I wanted to speak to him as well as I was thinking that he would be the right guy to disciple me. I was on a brief break at work so we could only have a short chat. After talking to him for a bit, it is revealed that he thinks I never admit fault or I am a know it all. This made me realize a fun fact about myself. Some people tend to think I am a know it all, not because I say I am but off of a funny illusion that comes up. When I am dealing with an issue, I confide in a friend over it. I share how I have been hurt to work through the pain or frustration I am dealing with. If there is something I did wrong, I typically know it and don’t need to work through it by talking it out. I know what not to do anymore. Whats usually getting at me is the state of my heart to do what I need to do which I work through in sharing. Because I focus more on my pain as opposed to what I need to change in speech, it easily is seen as I don’t think I have done anything wrong. An illusion of pride. There are times when I do something wrong or I might not get how or how to do the right thing and I ask for counsel but it rare. Moreso because more times then not, I figure it out myself and am able to come to peace just by sharing and knowing someone understands. But there are a lot of instances where literally, I didn’t do anything wrong and I got screwed. People find this hard to believe yet it confirmed as those same people who got mad at me are the one to come back to reveal I didn’t do anything wrong but they just took whatever badly. It happens. Even when I have done something obviously wrong and I don’t know, I am usually crying and dying over trying to figure out what I did wrong. This is usually the case most times with those friends who got mad and then never told why when they decided to ditch. It ends up leaving me conspiracy theorizing on the how and whats but also aching over how they could leave me hanging like they did. So at the end of the day, cuz I am crying about my hurt, people can think I don’t think I ever do nothing bad. It makes sense. The real problem comes in that a lot of the forceful people I know are looking for a problem to minister/ fix so they can feel like they did something. So they don’t care about my hurt nor are they will to bear the burden with me, they just want to know the problem and correction on it. Looking at myself, it feels like I have evolved past that yet ironically the small things I don’t seem to like to discuss is apart of that tarrying that I need to work on.

Around that same time I got a call from one of the guys from church that night too. Our brief convo leaves me feeling like he is really trying to pick at me to find a issue he can correct me on. He is a pretty forward guy like myself but kinda lacking on the compassion side. I love his attitude. Lol. Same time, when we talk, It makes me feeling combative but as opposed to others he has been around I can push back. I see that it seems that he thinks he has me pegged and I him. I see that I have the wrong heart about him as I am too much in a stance of attack and so was he. We needed to restart. Having a sit down with him the next day, things seem cool as we are able to talk over stuff. He asks about my recent frustrations and my social issues. I told him about my social shortcoming as they had been revealed to me in more detail as of recent. After, He ends up revealing suddenly though that people at church had been complaining about me/ “concerned” about me. I find out that people have been talking and gossiping behind my back. People I had shared concerns with in confidence had shared with others. I was pretty upset to hear this. It was happening again and it was to be expected as I was still struggling socially. Its why my push had been so hard to get moving in my communications training. As he tried to assert what I needed to do in Christ, I wasn’t even in a place to receive it. The way he said how they were upset, its like all I had said confessing my faults went over his head. What they were complaining about is what I was saying was my problem. I didn’t have time to get my balls in a knot over what I always have to deal with. If they were going to help me in my growth to change, they might as well shut up and get out of my way. Leaving the meet, I had much to process. All I was thinking is that is must be fall and sure enough as I looked up at the leaves they were jacked. Figures. Fall always seems to go wonky for me. I was glad to know, know I didn’t have to go in blind but I still had to go in willfully knowing the deal. I was a dirt bag among a sea of other dirt bags that were going to heaven as I person I know would say. Yet, there was suppose to be honor among thieves… sucks.

Within the last two months or so, I have learned more about myself and the aiding factors in my social handicaps. Unfortunately knowing this and sharing it with people doesn’t necessarily comfort them. They see it as I am just starting and all I have do is do it and whatever. When they don’t realize that the change started years ago when I got saved and this is as far as I have got but as little as it seems it’s a huge difference for me. Most know how much worse I was back in the day but the new folks have no gauge. I find that most just want to complain that I am not where they are or they don’t like where I am whereas few people if ever seek to help me along. You can change actions pretty quick but its heart issue and if that don’t change, you more issues.  The heart takes longer to work through which means people have tarry with me which is something that suburbs has trained people not do. You need to not screw up people comfort zone at all. Its selfish mentality but we have our excuses. Wanting to fix this to get people off my back got at me again. It was the reason the church folk around here didn’t accept me, I mean the world don’t much care. I became too focus on progression once again. About changing my communication problem and not really developing my relationship with the Lord.

Went visit my old church again. I have to say, it was the best service I ever went to. It was very edifying and encouraging. Then I realized, all the ideas I had they put in place and they worked. They were doing a verse by verse breakdown as opposed to random topical survey. The speaker was calling on people and regulating the right way. They even had bibles available to give out for those who didn’t have as well as them putting the verses up on screen. They were doing so well even the paid musicians were participating and weighing in. It beautiful to see the church thriving in the way it is. It seems the new pastor is really thinking big as they have a lot in terms of new fancy do hickys. I have no clue where they got the money for it all but its whatevs. They keep looking at me like when I’m coming back but while they have improved greatly there is still a huge theological difference that would be a prob. Good to be just be cool with them tho to where I can stop in and visit though.

I got called randomly and yelled at by teenage friend’s older sister. She was mad that I was sending her sister bible verses and encouraging her to read the Word. I had heard about her sister who used to be a Christian but now hated it and so I got to meet her. She wasn’t down with her sister getting into Christ. Accusing me of being a predator of some sort I was surprised by the sudden attack. More surprising was I felt hurt by the accusation as opposed to simply not caring and being angry at her. I was mad that I felt pain over this person thinking of me in this way. It was so different than who I was and I didn’t want to feel for her especially in her obviously not caring about my feelings but I did. I made a effort to reach out to her on facebook. Through dialog I tried reasoning with her to make peace but also find out what was her beef with Christianity. After much back and forth, I discovered that she rejected Christ to place her faith in a math equation. It was the first time I ever heard of some nonsense like that. Incredible. As she spoke highly of her intellectual experience and down on the bible and its wisdom something hit. People I had encountered that hated on the bible and Christ never ragged on the spirit really. They had an excuse that was halfway legit all the time about why the bible or Christ was a lie but nothing explained away what the spirit did to me. They didn’t have one! Jesus promised the spirit and the apostles elaborated on what it would do. When I got saved I got it and all the word said was confirmed by this real life supernatural presence that changed me. I felt like I discovered something that was a game changer. I was reminded of when Obi Wan fought General Grievous in Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. Grievous had like 6 lightsabers to Obi Wan’s 1. Now while his chances of winning in a duel was slim yet possible, he one because he realized one important thing. He has the force and Grievous who was only a robot being didn’t.

Getting back to my one friend, we got a chance to talk and work things out as before when we talked it was only briefly before I had to go in for work. I had been trying to reach him for a couple weeks but couldn’t reach him. Partially I really wanted to make amends because I still wanted to enlist him to disciple me in the communication thing. When we talked before, I saw that I was still distant as he went in on me a bit. I had to pray for the Lord to help me as for a sec I didn’t think I could work things out unless he recanted of much of his personality. Lol. The next day something came over me. I realized I loved this man. I was now ready to work through our issue. Sure enough, after weeks of waiting I got my chance to work through things. We went for a walk and discussed everything humbly. We both had wrestled with things during the month about each other and ourselves. At the end, we were able to clear the air about everything and come to an understanding. I did something though that shocked me. I told him my age. Of all people, he was a guy I most didn’t want to share it with as I knew he might use it against. As I told him, I felt halfway disconnected from myself as I spoke. Seeing the utter surprise/ glee in his eyes as he realized what I just shared, I knew it was time to bounce.  Leaving it on that note, I surprised myself in what I was able to do. I see that from my personality of both being very explanatory as well as being good at sharing my feelings on deep stuff, it can come off that I make a lot of excuses. In truth, I am not trying to make excuses or use whatever to make me exempt from getting in trouble, I just end up sharing a lot of detail when I share things from my angle. I, like others, don’t like when people admit and just accept their shortcomings as just what it is with trying to change the bad habit that is hurting others.

A lot this year, The Lord has been bringing me into an understanding of who I am and the origins/ aiding factors of a lot of my wickedness. He also has brought me into a deeper understanding of who I am in him and what he has called me to do. While last year or the year before I felt like had this extremely powerful sword but I didn’t know how to use it proper I didn’t feel the same now. I felt like I had more of a grasp on how to fight and defend myself in battle. I know where I am a now in my walk and where I basically need to work on more actively. It seems like I brought a sniper rifle to fight a horde of zombies but I’m not on a roof top at a distance, there are a whole group of them coming at me down a tight corridor at once. I am not equipped to handle that. I don’t know how to handle a shotty for that. Lol. Seriously, I am now at a point where being around a big group of wont have me freaking in fear but I do still feel uncomfortable. I cant focus to where I can mingle properly so I end up being confused and not knowing what to do except just distance myself. Usually everybody has someone already they are talking to and I am one of the only who don’t.  Sometimes people will approach me but they don’t ever really have anything to say, they are more so hoping I will just spill. Under the circumstances, I don’t know what to say myself or how to gather myself to make an effort to reach more out to them. In short, its hot mess and has tends to get everybody at church to look at me weird as I am the only one with the problem. So now I need someone to disciple to teach me how to talk to people and handle those group situations. I don’t know what I am going to do as I know what to do but the options have just yet to become available to me. Anyways I got a 360 for only 35 bucks! You heard me, 35 dollars! Got for cheap off of Josh who wasn’t playin it anymore. And by the grace of God, I was able to buy a new pocket bible. Horray!!! I am so tired of giving them away to people who need a bible I run into. That’s why I got two J. Fall is here, so time for the crap storm. lol

Combat Evolved (July 2010)

Hey,

I had a hot start to the month as I got to go a ride for the first time in a topdown corvette. Now that’s some summer style. Lol. I was getting picked up to go to a church event and my guy showed up in his car with the top down. I freaked out cuz they said hot in. I’m thinking “What is this? A movie?”. Lol. Sure enough I went for it… well kinda sort . I tried. Lol. I was able to through on some bangin tracks an we were good to go. It was seriously like driving… but in 3-D. lol. If you just looked straight it didn’t seem like nothing but if you looked around you were like “wow, there is nothing there”. Good times. I was able to memorize my first bible verse. It was John 3:16-21. I know, typically right and easy. Well it was a good starter and I got so I am happy with it. Got a heavy workload for 4^th of July weekend. Had to work from 5-4 on the 4^th. Ouch-tastic but it actually went pretty well. The Lord seems to really come through to bless me on the days when it could be murder. Good thing too was that the pay out was gonna be nasty being that it was time and a half. Sweetness. Coming from Church that week, I ended up going to Irish bar with a group of Asians folks from church to eat. Shows you how far this country has come. Lol

At work one night, I had a really late night. A work until 5 or 6 in the morning late not situation. While I was working, I randomly got a call from a teenage friend of mine that I had been witnessing to and helping to read the Word. She had got stuck in the middle of nowhere and needed help. There was little I could do but I was intent on helping her. Calling my roomie at 4 in the morning, I just managed to catch him before he was going to bed. I asked him to help me out and he agreed so I left work before the night was through and went to go find her. I realized I really care about this girl and not just about her salvation. Interesting having those moments, realizing that I care about people I didn’t totally realize I did before. She gave me a stuff penguin she won at a fair as thanks to me. After that night, I had a new desire to learn to drive and get a car. I wasn’t just opened to it but now I wanted it. Not for myself so much but for the ministry ops that would come with it. Being able to pick up people who needed to go to church or be there for different friends.  My heart was changed. Something too that also happened was my roommate said something that made me once again focus on where he was with the Lord. Even at that, a friend of his too. I was concerned with trying to share the Gospel them as they both thought they were saved when I knew they weren’t. It had me thinking more about how to minister to those who think they got it together already. By God’s grace I got a opportunity to speak to them about where they stood with the Lord and share the Gospel.

I had some pretty encouraging encounters this month. I continued to try to reach my friend and her kids with the Word. Her daughter seemed especially interesting in God, wanting to know how see could see him. It was very interesting not only ministering to kids but seeing how the each interpreted the Word and the idea God in general. It definitely gave me a clearer picture of child like faith as they understood God was good and wanted to love him even though they didn’t totally know how. As I read the bible to the kids before they went to sleep, they said they wanted to live with Jesus forever and they prayed for it. Gripped my heart to see and hear their excitement to learn and be with the Lord. Gotta love the kids. I was able to treat Josh and Sabrina out to breakfast at the new  Breakfast joint that was down the way. I especially wanted to go because besides knowing Sabrina would love it, that I would get another shot at those Smores pancakes they had. Lol. Another food opt I got came in the form of a meeting with my pastor. He seemed to have taken an interest in getting to know me but I was worried that was partially because I was trying to date a girl he was close to. Scary scary. At first it was kinda awkward but then I cut through the bull and just starting telling him my background info. He then shared his testimony which is similar to my struggles in God leading him to do things he didn’t want to do. Was very encouraged as its rare you have someone who raw was moved by God as opposed went where they wanted and sprinkled Jesus on it. Sharing more about me and my recent transition, he noticed that my walk this year and all I was learning more closely about resembled the unfolding of 1 Corinthians. That never hit me and when it dude was a pretty cool discovery. We had a really good and long talk. By the end, he felt that a good spot in the ministry at the church was in me using my gifts in a support role. Not be center stage but work from within the crowd. Reminded me of what Tyler and Freeman said long ago. What was interesting too was that he clarified things in terms of the “teacher” gift in that its not that you are in front so much as it is when you explain things people understand. When I look at the fact that I explain things all the time and in greater and greater detail it was apparent that this was the case. Good to know.

I did on the other hand face a couple loses. A miscommunication with one buddy after us going to see a movie left him in rage. He suddenly got enraged when I told him to chill when he was seemingly trying to justify doing something I already was in agreement with him on. His outburst was pretty brutal as he began cussing and the like. I was stuck in the car with him with no escape but we were getting closer to home by the second. After repeatedly trying to calm him down to talk reasonably about the situation and him too wilded out to listen, I was close enough to home to duck out of the car and walk the rest of the way. So that left things on a sour note to say the least. I was so tired of this kind of mess that I didn’t have a desire to try to go on clean up duty especially as at the time, I honestly didn’t feel like I had anything to say sorry for. Then I faced the sudden loss of friend who had repeatedly been backing out of our friendship off of crap. I got a random text asking me not to text them or call anymore without any kind of reasoning. I became very frustrated. Why couldn’t the person tell me what the crap I did to make them upset and at least give me a chance to apologize? I keep seeing people will not stand and fight for what they believe or for the ones they love. They just cut and run, staying in ignorance instead of facing the truth. They can’t stand on or defend the truth they believe so they avoid having to defend it all together. People giving up on people the say they care about off of a lie. I saw a repeat pattern that the people most prone to this were the people that said I love you all the time to me. I am upset and driven even more to fight for the truth and love.

Things were getting heavier with Ol’e girl I had went on a date with. I am further challenged in the seriousness of how she is pursing to understand me. Feel like I am truly moving on faith with her as the hook is not that she is the most beautiful or we share the same personality or interests but its raw off of love for God and that depth of that love. Its hard exposing so much of myself and really digging in my heels as I have been on something that is not a sure bet. After the next date, she could end up saying no and I will have exhausted so much of myself for not. Let alone if we were dating, the same thing could happen. You never know what a dealbreaker can be and my hidden age could be one of them. Either way, meeting her has raised the bar in what I look for in a woman, Which sucks cuz now it will be forever before I get a date. Lol. I confronted her on the amount of which she has milked me for info. It feels like too much too quick to where I felt more exposed then I should have at this point in the getting to know you process. I mean I still could barely translate her feelings about me as seemed very affection neutral.

After talking to her about this though, I was enlightened to know that she does like me a lot and that she is confused as well. With little dating experience, she didn’t realize when too much was too much but I didn’t totally mind as long as she was into me too. She just really wanted to make sure she could trust me and I was right for her which I wish other women did more. I did wrestle with wanting to make sure all my options were spent before moving closer to such a real possibility of a commitment. My still age looms as a mystery that could divide us. She challenges me in revealing it especially with us needing to build a relationship on trust. I agreed but I just really didn’t want to just spill to get another date as I had closer friends that I hadn’t even told and that would be bogus. Still I was having a hard time doing it though especially when I am afraid my age might be a deal breaker when I feel it shouldn’t. The pressure almost makes me want to put everything on the line so I can get it out the way and not have to deal anymore. Ultimately, I choose not to go forward with it but see where things go with ole girl.

The struggle with my flesh was becoming harder to deal with. Because of the possibility of me possibly being in a relationship, I became even more worried about purity. Could I honor this woman? Was the struggles I had normal or more than that? What was the line? Its all bad of course but when does it qualify as it becoming something as a addiction. Everybody struggles with it but few seem to freak out about it like I have unless their a pedophile or something. Are we that silent about our purity issues? I questioned the mess out of myself. I really need to talk with some other guys about this issue. Even other dudes seemed clueless in ways though. At the end, I wanted more to honor God and my future girl, whoever she would end up being with my mind. Speaking of girls, I realized that all of my female friends of whom I have been ministering to or had a strong spiritual bond with have been cut off or out at this time. Interesting and convenient timing, I mean not relating to the purity thing I mentioned but me pursuing this girl.

I managed to set up a double date, 2^nd date with me, her, Josh and Sabrina. While in first date, I was optimistic about her after talking to her more and learning more about her, I became more interested. I was pretty excited to see her in person as we both notice the chem from afar but wanted to test it up close once more. I planned on telling her my age and seeing if she really wants to go somewhere with this thing. Telling my age along with a slew of other things, She is seemingly swept up by my honesty and desire for a relationship with her. Josh and Sabrina showed up later. They really play me up and do a great job of courting her and getting to know her even though the intentionally embarrassed me at times. One thing that was crazy was that they realized she halfway knew more about me than they did. It looks bad but good at the same time. It shocked and impressed them that she broke through so many of my barrier so easily. I really don’t think it was hard, its just she knew what questions to ask and asked them as opposed to others. Its crazy she asked that many questions though but it did show my willingness to be open about who I was at my core. She was actually interested in who I was and that’s what made her different. Josh hooked it up on the dinner tip (praise God) and we walk around the town a bit. I get to hold her hand which I was all too thankful to finally be able to do. At the end of the date, She reveals she wants to go slow and that it may take a while before we would be officially be considered a couple. I left frustrated as I didn’t think I can keep up the pace especially with all the exposure she had already mad me do.

I saw that we are out of sync in our timing. In the amount of myself I have shared with her, my clock feels like its been 3months in full blow relationship. Hers still feels like been a month of dating. I needed time to balance out. I have different circumstances than her as well. She has no one else trying to holla at her nor is she considering. I did so I needed a title to keep me from jumping ship. It was a funny thing as I was in the position girls typically were. Lol. I have met her halfway in all that I have revealed about myself but she still has let herself go and met me there too. Something that upset and blessed me to discover is that my friends have embraced me with little to no knowledge of me yet she knows more and is still on the fence. I had shared so much of myself through words that I simply wanted to be able to chill and just spend with each, doing life and see how who we are through how we live. My friends knew me in this way without as much of what she knew and the came to love and accept me for who I was. Her fear of getting hurt seemed to be getting in the way of her being with me. I needed her to process all that she knows and choose and I need to be able to recover. We decide to take a 3 week break to rest, gather our thoughts, and see what the Lord says. We both share a conviction that if God wants us to be together he will make it happen and that he has set apart someone special for us.

I really really missed her. I was kinda regretting doing it being that I couldn’t talk to her … at all.  I had a sudden desire even more to learn how to drive partially to be able to care for a family. I wanted even more to lose weight and be healthy. My heart was really and suddenly changing on things that I had been set against before. I was able to make peace, make breaks, and have some closure with a couple friends. I have had a real urge to want to focus my time and energy better. Felt like I needed space from some friends that I was leaning/ relying on for fun time or activities to fill my day. After wasting a whole day in idle time and hoping someone would be available to chill later in the day I saw I was wasting my time. I knew people who didn’t even watch tv because they didn’t have nor made the time but used their time for more constructive thing. In 15 minutes I could read the Word and send out texts about what I read. In that 15 minutes I would accomplished more than I would the whole day. So what if I could effect people and accomplish something of value in just 15 minutes the how much more with more? I decide to take a break from my peeps to focus on the changes that need to be made in my life right now. I even wanted to talk to higher ups at work to lock down a morning shift to have available nights to be able to volunteer for church activities and the like. I felt like I was transitioning. Like I am being placed in a cocoon and going through a huge growth spurt. I wanted to tell her these new changes that have come over me but I couldn’t. Partially I wonder if these were connected to being in a real relationship. They were things that I needed to do in general but I knew they help if were needed to be ready for marriage in the future.

I sought council over what had gone down and they too saw God’s hand on our me and her meeting as we did. Just that is the case I still don’t know if it is meant for a season or for the long hall. All I knew was that we were suppose to meet and in meeting each other we truly challenged each in different ways to grow. Besides the Lord cutting off most of my female connects, I have a  new lack of desire as it were to be connected that many women friends. Just feeling like I would not like to juggle those relationships right now but just focus on one. More and more as I have taken time to look back on what God has done in terms of drawing me near this girl, its really got me thinking. Especially even now in my desire changes. Being so prayfully about this, if these aren’t signs that she is someone I should be with, then if anything my girl is extremely close and God is prepping me for her. Thinking about being with this girl though, I am afraid of the man I would become. I know that I would be stronger and more sanctified but I was afraid I would loose my “cool”. What I mean by that is that I would loose my connection to the world in becoming more maturish and less worldly in a sense. That I would become encompassed with church life and no longer have as much of a heart for the world to minister to them. To be able to grounded and speak to them where they are but just become about my own Christ walk and building the church alone.

I went to another one of my churches adult ministry gatherings. Had op to minister to many of the people there. Confronted a girl on if she was sharing the gospel and ended up going off on a rant concerning the sinfulness of man and everybody’s need for a savior. I was pretty crazy and powerful but I shut myself up. After I apologized to her if I seemed to be much, she actually agreed with me though. In the convo, I encouraged her in her witnessing and to dive deeper. I have seemed to have found this wise push to where I am not really declaring to people they need to be in all these lanes but to expand on theirs more and be willing to enter into others.  It allows them to find themselves and grow more into who God equipped them to be while opening more doors for min. Talking to the guys there, they were stricken by my words and how deep they were. They said that I said what they thought but couldn’t say. They were deeply encouraged and challenged and I could see the Lord used me to do a huge work that night. Even I was trippin at how knowledgeable I sounded and was. I finally ended up sharing what happened between me and the one church and why I couldn’t go back. I knew the day would come when I would have to say but thankful in how it came up and how I was able to respectful and vaguely unveil it. It was hard for me to share as it is something that I don’t like to talk about but they understood. Ol’e girl really helped me to see I could be less afraid of sharing truth in some things specifically about myself. Its hard hearing all the thank yous for sharing. Very bittersweet as ultimately I know I am undeserving of the thanks as it was all God and the overflow of his spirit that ushered in those words. I could see more my giftings working in the church.

It wasn’t too long later that I heard back from Ol’e girl. She broke the break early which had me especially giddy as I could finally talk her again. Even though I was hopeful for a positive response she decides to just be friends. Said she was being charged with a lot and didn’t think she could be in a relationship and juggle the new challenges God was bringing her way. Also she didn’t have a peace about going forward. I was ok with it til it later when we talked on facebook. It was revealed then that there was more to it in terms of her let down. Also she seemed to be super fearful I would cling hope she would change her mind so she keep insisting on pushing the idea I had no chance to change it. Not only was it insulting but upsetting. Halfway the point of the break was to get her to be comfortable to where she let her guard down with me to where she could be herself without a wall in the way. It seemed that wall was still there, just in a different way as she was holding me at arms length still. I didn’t want to deal with the drama so I asked continue the break for awhile. I needed to be away from drama for a bit.

It didn’t take long for it to find me again though as I was told by a random employee at Culvers that my brother was engaged. At first I didn’t care as he had always been that way in terms of stuff and being so secretive. Then I realized the bigness of it. I really got upset. He lived with me for a 1yr and half and would even let me hear her voice let alone talk to this girl he dating. He resisted answering any questions of who she was and how they met yet I was suppose to accept this stranger as my sister in law. It was a huge thing that effected our family and he never said a word to me. It was beyond dirt.

Calling my mom, I questioned her knowledge of this having been the case.  I was surprised as she started defending him not telling me he was engaged. She lied and told me she didn’t know but did. I surprisingly got really angry and told her I wasn’t talking to her anymore. She never would admit fault in either one of neither my of my brothers wrong doings nor her own but continuously point stuff in me or my father and blame us. I was tired of the mess. Afterwards I was even more surprised because I ended up suddenly breaking down. My manager just saw I was upset and the second he asked I started uncontrollably crying in front of him. I was mad at myself for having done this in front of him. I was moreso shocked at the fact I brokedown in the first place as I didn’t even know why I would cry like that. Something that was interesting was peoples’ response to the incident. It really showed me that in us having pain as believers, it really does allow us to connect with other through sharing sympathy. Christ did the same in coming in human flesh and being tempted

More of who I was at the core of my sinful self was coming to the surface. I really didn’t like my family. I saw a lot of my mom and dad in us. Its like we got all their bad traits and none of the good but to be honest I never saw any good traits in them to begin with. My older brother seemed to have taken the horrible anger of my mom. My little brother took the non caring hermit attitude of my dad. And me, I was a horrible crossbreed of both; A angry at the world anti social hermit. As mad as I was at my brother, I realized that if it wasn’t for Christ, he is what I would have turned out to be but angry at the world. It was truly Christ that saved me from becoming simply a by product of my parents. I still knew who I was though even though I found my identity in Christ. I didn’t like them but I didn’t like myself either. I hate my sinful self and in the same vain I hated seeing myself in them. We are all cut from the same clothe and I was no better than them. It was only Christ that was the dividing line. I become more embittered with the suburban world. Looking at photos of those I knew from the burbs I keep getting more and more upset. I feel angry because I feel I am forced in this culture to be someone Im not to be accepted. I feel like a lot of the dates where denied not based off my Godliness but how much I could fit in with their lifestyle. I cant and I feel like I am forced to choose to be something I am not to fit in in order to be accepted (especially in the dating arena). I don’t live life like the average white suburbanite. Going out every available day to the beach, stroll through downtown, shopping, eating at fancy restaurants or cafes, bicycling, going to cubs games. And the list goes on. That’s not me and that not what I do. Sure enough there is a push to be that guy to be accepted. I’m angry. I had a really really grumpy day at work. I became frustrated at how wicked my heart is. How much I don’t like people and would rather not be friends with most yet God is calling me to it. I can really see the battle going on in my flesh. I am reminded of 2 Cor. 5:14 which says we are compelled by God’s love. I can see that I truly am in the good that I do do is only from him and his influence on my life. I am thankful for his presence

The Legacy Conference finally came.  I wasn’t as excited about it as I was months ago though as both Tyler and Alan copped out at the last second. I was messed though as for a second it made me think I was moreso wanting to go to have fun as far as catching up with the guys more than to learn and grow. Picking classes for the conference I choose ones that would help me in what I sucked as over ones I already knew but would have been really good. I mean while breaking down what is messed up in the church and unveiling the conspiracy is satisfying in making me feel less crazy its not something I needed more back bone in. I had a class with Adam Thomason from the Village church (Matt Chandler! Woo!) about  Growing in Community. He, like me, is a black dude from Detroit in a suburban church where he is the only on staff. Talking to him on the side about what I was struggling with and how people treated me here, he completely understood my struggle as he went through the same. I was deeply encouraged in learning I am not alone and he shared my same story just further along. He jokely said “Being from Detroit, we can be in a room 40 minutes alone together and never say a word and be cool”. It was true. It was truly a breath of fresh air to know somebody got what I was dealing with as most here simply disregarded the depth of my struggle. I learned a lot in the class and was challenged to do a lot that I really didn’t wanna. I was called to draw nearer to people yet the more I did, the more I saw how messed up they were and I had reason to turn away. My flesh wanted to give up on them as they would continuously with me. I am really struggling with Pro.18:1, as pride seems to have taken hold of me, making me want to separate myself from others in a big way. I seem to be in a season where my flesh is really getting the best of me and my wickedness is really resurfacing for some reason. A big lesson I learn is that I needed to die to myself and its desires. Christ was not taken advantage of when he came but he knew our wickedness and willingly laid his life down. I needed to do the same in light of knowing how messed up folks were. It was just so hard. As the day pressed on, Josh had a strong funk of not wanting to be at Legacy. It really killed it for me and sapped me of a lot my drive to be there. As a result we ended up leaving early the first day.

Going out for day 2, Sabrina came with. I didn’t take a camera along with me that day as I didn’t feel I would get a chance to use. With Josh’s attitude, I didn’t feel like I would be excited and playful enough to have much fun to use it. I decided to let him chill more with his wife and me separate so he didn’t kill me buzz for the day. I hung more with my boy Kevin that went. I couldn’t help but front on him though as all the rappers kept approaching him like they knew him and would just chat. I was trippin. One thing that was funny was I randomly took it upon myself to mess with the well know Christian rapper Braille. Thought I would mess with him a bit about his haircut, he was cool. Something cool I was able to do was catch up with some people from R316. Seems they thought I just left the church and the group suddenly without cause. Maybe it was better they didn’t know what really happened. I was glad to see they were doing well. Reconnecting with them was a blessing but also a hard reality of a life I couldn’t have. The next class I had was call Its Takes a Church To Raise a Christian which was held by Sho Baraka’s brother Dhati. It was about discipleship but also about using our gifts to help mature other Christians in the church. It challenged me on what I know about discipleship and how it should go. It kinda reaffirmed my Sylar “take the abilities of other” mindset. Surprisingly it really challenges me to humble myself to be discipled, probably not from a guy that knew better in the knowledge sense but had experience in something I lacked in. I was challenged by God to step up to do the things I have been lacking in. Talk to the popular/loudmouth/ I want attention guys I cant stand. Hang with people that are flaky. Engage in more conversations with strangers. All things I hate but doing them to reach the lost. I couldn’t pull myself to die to self tho in them as I struggled in myself.

Toward the on the night, at the beginning of the main session, me and Kev went early to get good seat for the concert they were going to have. I peeped game that Paul Washer was around and I tried to get Kevin to hug Paul Washer but he punked out. Lol. During a give away they were having, me and him got salty as all the katz from Harvest pushed ahead to the front of the crowd and basically took all the giveaway stuff. Bogus. They even got a shout out in for R316. Francis Chan laid down a really heavy sermon that rocked the crowd. People were weeping out loud in the crowd. Even the artist got rocked to where they couldn’t even go into the concert afterward. They had to call out the worship band to praise and said, forget the concert, if you need to talk to God you need to just go. God asked me to get some alone time with him so I left out to pray. I didnt figure was a huge deal as it was a small nug and what Chan was talking about in terms of confessing I felt like I was covered on. Sure enough though, The Lord broke me down hardcore. I had been seeking others and asking telling them about my pains more than him. I was challenged to from the sermon about loving God which I wasn’t in having sought the girl before God. Especially with my wickedness being on heavy, I extra questioned my love for God because I didn’t love him by submitting myself to others (living sacrifice). Josh once again popped up and watched me breakdown and praying just like a year ago. He just watched and yet again I have no clue why I needed him there as audience but it happened. After I don’t know how long, I tried to clean myself up from all the super snot I had drippin from my face. I couldn’t even go to the concert cuz I was in zombie mode. I roamed around lost as being rocked like that stunned me. I was almost trippin everybody else didn’t get messed up like that. Looking to Gods Word, he spoke to me that he was building me and he was an expert builder. Also that he would not let sin be master over me and he died/I died to that. What is crazy is that when I opened the Word, the wind blew to the chapter he wanted me to read. I was trippin as I looked around checkin if anybody else saw what I just say. God is alive

Last day, Me and Josh head to the outreach. Takes about 3 hours to get there cuz we got lost. When we made it, because there was so many people to begin with in one area spreading out from it, most of the neighbor was already approached. Josh was super committed to learning about and doing street evangelism that day… finally. Walking around for leftovers, we did manage to run into some old sisters who Josh talked to. I was glad he was there as they looked so odd I would have avoided talking to them. One claimed to already be church going while the other who seemed cracked out claimed to be saved but didn’t walking the walk anymore. Josh’s convo was going nowhere so I interceded to present the Gospel. A misfire in my wording let to her going on a super long rant about Judgment and he saying all kind of mess out of context. It sucks that a lot of people in the ghetto have the “only God can judge” excuse all the time so they can quote that one verse out of context and never listen to anyone that don’t say what they want. Ignorance. Josh interceded, which I though he was going help to put the convo back on track but instead he kinda messed up the op by closing out in frustration which made me mad. I had to pray off the anger in him cutting me off from reaching the lady. We both apologized though and talked it through. It interested that I even reacted the way I did. I really felt like she could have been reached with the Gospel and that stirred. Interesting. A lot of time seemed wasted at the outreach as many had nowhere to go and no one to witness to. The really bangin artists wasn’t even coming out til late and it was hot out. I got the idea from seeing the homeless earlier in the street begging to approach cars in the street the same way with tracts. I went into Holy hustla mode (hat turned back and everything) and collected as many tracts as I could to hand out to passing cars and invite people to the show. Josh reluctant but still helped a bit. People seemed encouraged and thankful I was going something with the time other than just sit around. The problem is as inspired as they was, nobody tried to help to do the work in the first place. Josh tried giving one to Eric Mason’s car by accident which was hilarious. Later I saw Braille again and I messed with. He was cool about everything and I gave him a hug. Josh seems gung ho about street now but I know he will soon learn the downfalls. The conference may have started sucky but it ended well.

The last of the month was hit or miss. I got a chance to visit SCC. I hadn’t been there in a good while which I could especially tell as a lot of the little kids got grown.  It seems attendance increased and they finally got things together on their Wednesday service. Well not so much that they got new attendees in sense of new new but a lot of the new people were just tagalongs with the new pastor they had but it still was an increase. I saw members I previously saw a lot of potential in living up to their roles in the church in the context to their church. I was deeply encouraged. It was great seeing the upgrade. I was in a place in my heart and mind where I could accept and be happy for their growth despite their theological difference. They asked when I was coming back like now I should be apart of it now that everything was poppin. That super wasn’t happening. Might have been great changes but still was not in alignment with the theological standpoint I had. Going over alot in what had took place, I hung out with my boy Matt who ended up letting me drive his monster truck. It was crazy. I could drive it well enough its just his truck is impossible to park. Gotta have a special license for that hot boy. I heard from another old friend that I discovered was still salty and sends a message   through Josh to never send her messages again. I had sent her messages along with all my unsaved friends and everybody in my phone every couple months to ask for prayer requests. I got upset as she was still on that mess and trippin balls over me just trying to pray for her. Josh didn’t seem to be on my side and still believed he couldn’t trust either of us. I am disappointed at his efforts to talk sense into her but it whatever. Even though that left me pretty sour I asked my pastor if he could find me someone to disciple me. I was interesting in progressing in my walk and in better communication after all that went down at the conference. He said he would look into it and that he might even step up to do it himself. That would be interesting. I finally got a chance to talk to the outreach pastor as well. I was reluctant partially to talk him as I felt that because of his Willow Creek background he would not be open to the idea having a street team there. As expected from his Willow background he favors “friendship” and says they wont make a street team even though they are not completely against it. Figures. I challenged and changed in many ways this month. I felt like I was on the cusp of a new level of combat. Being upgraded to dive deeper and handle new challenges. From what I learned, I was alpha sheep. I was in charge or nothing but I still a person people looked to with great influence. I needed to be careful to I lead the right way and to be a Godly example in dying to myself for the good of the herd and Christ.

A New Deep (June 2010)

Yo,

I began this month reflecting on how far I had come in my walk. In light of the understanding I have now, It really trips me out how immature I was, even in recent hurtles. I feel like leaps and bounds over were I was even though at the time every time I felt like I was cool. Looking back on what I would have considered at the time as cool seems like straight infancy compared to now. I have come a long way and have plenty to go. Funny how that all works. You gotta love growth and how God can change people over time. I began to see more of that in myself but what surprised me was being reminded that it happens in others as well. I was randomly contacted by one my old R316 associates, asking for forgiveness over their handling of me in the past. It shook me deep. It so unexpected and beautiful at the same time to see God work in another to not only reveal this but humble them this way. Simply amazing. I could not help but worship God as I was truly unworthy to be blessed to witness such a miraculous working of his power in the heart of another. I know it might sound like Im trippin but you really don’t know how rare it is for a person to look back, see they messed up, and actually seek the person out for forgiveness and change. All I got to say is God is good. I had to apologize myself for the hard time I gave. At the end of it all, it was shown that through God, anybody can change so don’t write people off.

Lately, I hadn’t hung with Alan as much as in the past. It seemed that he was go to go as far as moving on from my discipleship. Already, much fruit was bore in his newfound knowledge. I just was still afraid of him balancing out his understanding of grace. It would come in time though. You can only tell somebody so much as they have to get beat themselves to really learn. He managed to dropped by one day and I took advantage of his car by asking him to come with to a friend’s house. I had been wanting visit my one friend and her  family of kids for a minute. Introducing him to the fam, I took advantage of the time to try to minister to her and her kids. It was a great time and the kids seemed really receptive the things of the Lord.  It was beautiful seeing God at work in them. I was especially able to bond with her one daughter of whom latched on to me a bit. She didn’t know how to ride a bike nor had one so had to just watch as the other kids played. So she wanted me to teach her to ride a skateboard she had which I had no clue as to how to do. It crazy and fun trying to learn though as I had two kids jumping all over me and had to chase them down half the time. Alan peeped game though on a 20 bike that washer size on sale at a garage sale on the block and we ended up getting it for her. A real blessing. From my time with them, I know I would make a great dad I just still sucked with probably being a provider seeing how my job is not high end.  Later, Me and Alan also got to hang with Aaron and discussed accountability and make plans for warfare in our personal walks. It was a beautiful thing. It was nice to be able to introduce Alan to great man of God I knew but also another running buddy with plenty of old war stories of us together.

I went to church for my first event at my new church. With my newfound “go with the flow” attitude, I went to this pizza night even though there weren’t going to do anything but eat. Definitely not my scene as you know. One thing that was great that helped a lot in talking to the people was they shared a love for UFC. It took me a minute to open up but once we got talking we got talking. I ended up transitioning into a deep conversation with some of the guys there about evangelism. I went on about my experiences and in the midst of it I realized how much God had gave me a testimony to better explain the dynamics of everything I was spittin’. I seemed to really impress and encourage the likes of one guy who seemed to be super happy to find another Christian who was had such a relationship with Christ. He was singing my praises and looking at me like I was big but I felt mad awkward because it was God’s work not mine. I was nothing special and probably would never have done it myself. Still I was glad to be able to challenge and encourage someone in this way and that my struggles were able to aid another.

Afterward, to continue the moment, I agreed to go with him and a bunch of other guys to a house as they worked on puppets. That’s right… puppets. I guess they were about to help out with the kids ministry and some of the works needed help practicing for a show. Going with the flow, I agreed. I didn’t have anything else to do and besides it gave me an opportunity to dive deeper with everybody. I was trippin that I was putting in this kind of situation but the people were cool. I felt like I am getting the hang of this meeting people stuff. I am asking them questions about stuff they do out of raw curiosity and trying to understand. Sounds small and typically but it’s really new to me especially in having a real interest. I am not just asking for the hell of it, I really want to know for my own understanding. That interest seems to draw people in more. Talking to people, even with the pastors, at the church I have felt accepted. I haven’t felt like I have been looked at like an anomaly especially even with me being the only black guy there.  Talking to the pastors about what I learned or know, they haven’t looked at me like they need to knock me down a peg but they have listened like peers. That’s crazy. Like we were equals and what I have to say is just as valuable as the next person or them themselves. I don’t know why I have let my guard down as much as I have in talking with them but it has panned out to my surprise.

I spent a another Saturday with Alan to visit his parents in Zion. I was pretty excited since the last visit was so cool. This time around though, things didn’t turn out too great. I had a bit of a discovery that my man’s dad might be slightly prejudice after he says “You people” and whatnot in referring to black people that were making noise. Being foreign, he didn’t seem to get that he was being prejudice. He said I was cool because I was down with GOD but I knew how my people typically were. It messed up and disheartening to say the least. Alan got real upset off of his dad’s comment and his brother’s attitude so we left after only 30 minutes. We headed back to his crib and picked up a movie to watch. Unfortunately he has seen almost everything that has come out. He makes things so difficult. Lol. We got the sequel to District B-13 but it ends up being mad long, boring, and all round whack. We wasted mad time on that so we left again. I wanted to get into fellowship so we sought to go over to my friend’s house again. She is unavailable so we sat down at the park to read. Good times but then it rained on us. Later we were able to get to my friend’s but it ended up going nowhere. Frustrated of the wasted time I make the call to leave with Alan having to leave anyways to get home to sleep. Felt like I really wasted a day accept for the time we had in the car to talk, worship and even the little time we had in the word. It happens.

After a long and frustrating day, I came home to see that my old friend had got married that same day. I was not invited to the wedding and ironically the guy who played was the pastor over it. Everybody but me was invited as I was still outcast. I was terribly upset and depressed. It followed me into church the next day as I could barely worship. I was extremely troubled. My mind was focused on how the others still might have saw me. As the victim, as he would have put it, that is unrepentant and blames everyone else. In truth, I wasn’t playing myself off as a victim. I wasn’t blaming others for my problems nor was I coming at them if they did submit to me then I was always going to be hit. Actually it was the opposite, actually that was the heart of them as they refused to accept me unless I was jacked up in the way they wanted to see. It was hard to see how far I had come away from them. The fact that months ago I was encouraging my guy to Holler at ole girl and might have even been a groomsman at his wedding in how close we were. Yet now, here we were and I knew if I hit my man up today he probably saw me in completely different and  messed up light. Later, the guys at the church approached me to fellowship with them at Wendys. Cheap, just how I like it. They asked me about how I got there and my experiences. We had one of the best fellowship experiences I ever had. They were all so cool. They understood what I was saying and feed off it, not because I they didn’t know better but because they did. God had helped me see that  I needed to focus on the new ground I was plowing there instead of looking back as it was holding me back

My brother suddenly tells me he is leaving the next week. I halfway found out just because he randomly had cake, a goodbye cake from his work that he just resided from. I knew this time was coming eventually but he had so put in the dark as to when and what he was going to do that I just didn’t know. I tried to process the sudden news as this was really possibly the last few days I had with him til I might not see him again for a long time. It had more implications than that in I had to think, what would I do next? I got together with one of the guys from my church to discuss life and a plan for accountability in the coming weeks after he leaves to get myself back on track in my disciples (30fast food fast, healthier eating, exercise,  Prayer & Reading, Purity watch). I had hope that I could turn things around a lot more with the space and opportunity for myself. Speaking of opportunity, I was finally able to share the Gospel with one of my long time friends. It forever to convince her to just let happen but I was glad I finally did. I had made so many appeals to her in just saying you need Jesus. But it wasn’t for a long time that I realized, I hadn’t actually told her what the Gospel was and hence why. I considered as well what I could say to my brother but I just didn’t know how to go about it, let alone if he would take me serious with his attitude towards me.

I went on the retreat at Wheaton College with the church. Wheaton seemed like a pretty small town, well at least it seemed like it from walking around. Lets just say this, I asked where was the nearest movie theater and they said in the next town over. Lol. While I was in town and around I tried to find a bible for my brother. I came up with the idea to give him one as a going away present. I had some trouble finding a simple, descent priced one. Most of them were too fancy or had super commentaries that got in the way of the Word. Bible shopping is randomly way too complicated. I went to the Billy Graham Center, Christian Museum, which was on point. I saw how long Billy Graham was preaching for Christ and all the stuff he did and I am amazed and intimidated at the same time. So many many years of service doing so much from such a early age. It was crazy for me as it really sunk it that I was nowhere and I might have a lot more pain ahead of me. I headed back to the dorm and found out I was roomed with Mark and Jacob, a couple cool guys I met at church already. We continued the great fellowship we had from the week previous. It was crazy how we built up such a bond like we did. Late night on the 1^st day we had some Judo/ MMa training as we called over some of the other guys. One was a Judo master so my roomie wanted to get some hints and tips as to how to do it. It was good times as we watched them duke it out in the dorm while everybody was sleeping.

I was excited/ hopefully for the time there as the theme was evangelism anytime, anywhere. I felt it would help to refresh me in going into the Muslim outreach I was planning on joining up with this month. The speaker had me concerned a bit as he was alittle hard to understand (heavy Irish accent) and seemed to lean toward a “friendship” approach mostly. Ended up having some good stuff but that I already knew. Did spark conversation among the other though which is good. Was able to minister to, challenge, and encourage many people about evangelism and their walk in general. I was amazed to meet a lot of people who grew up in the church who had no testimony. When asked about their walk or anything, its like nobody ever took the time to ask and they never thought about it. Messed up. For the first time too, I experienced wonky worship. Some of the songs seemed just Christian and not worship. The kept doing the same ones over and over again. They had fast and poppy ones right after slow ones which killed the worship. For First time I actually thinking about the science of worship as it were. I was reminded of what those guys had said about worship at that one Baptist church I went to for sec. Even though they was trippin, they had a point and point that seemed to getting made here. I really didn’t know how the approach this situation though other than roll with it.

I had begin remembering names and recognizing people at church. Something that was hard in a sea of Asian people. Lol.During worship, I noted a white lady that I had never seen at the church before just zoned out. She seemed unashamed in her love for God as she rose while others sat and praised the Lord. I was definitely curious about her. I asked the guys that night if they knew who she was but they either didn’t know or couldn’t remember. The next morning, I wanted to introduce myself to her but she ended up getting to me first. Found out she used to go to the church but was lead to another place and was just back visiting. Seeing her again later in the day, I wanted to find out how God had repositioned her as he had done me the same recently. We ended up crazily having a connection that she knew as she knew a couple of friends of mine as well the guy leading the Muslim outreach. She was even at Legacy last year. Small world huh? I think I had say he on facebook before as friends with one of my peeps and I remember wanting to add her on fb because she was cute. Lol. I curious to know more I gave her my info and found her on facebook. I wasn’t trying to holla per say but Her Godliness drew me to her yet her mature attitude and tastes made me question; Can I find a good Godly woman that likes what I like or if I have to change?

The Last day, I was rocked as I got into the word. I got to a chapter in Deuteronomy that was just a song so I was going to skip but I decided to read it and it broke me in half. Convicted by the truth of the word and my undeservingness to be his servant, I am broken down. I don’t know how to feel as I don’t feel capable of walking out my walk for many years. Like I don’t have the strength because its too much and too overwhelming. Thinking of back to the life of Billy Graham, I felt like I could hold up under the pressure that long. It hurt and was so much as it is and there was so much to come and still to learn and do. I was afraid. If it was hard now, how much harder and how many more people and situations like the one I just went through would I have to endure? It especially seemed impossible at the idea trying to hold it down and hold down a family or a wife or whatever else. Over whelmed, I am left with nothing to do but cry out to the Lord and worship. I couldn’t do it, not unless he helped me. Reaching out the Pastor Matt who was leaving the church that day official with his fam, I asked how he did it. One day at a time he said and that the Lord will help me when I needed it aka when it was time. I have no choice but keep pressing forward and to take it one day at a time and hope for the best. The Lord would help me. So leaving the retreat, the speaker wasn’t too great but the time I had with the Lord and with the people I wouldn’t were priceless.

After the retreat I came home and just barely got a bible for Jonathan with Dan’s help. He was packed and ready to go and the apt was looking mad empty. He was really leaving and I didn’t know how I should feel about it. I didn’t agree with his life choices but at the same time I was glad he was actually doing something with his life. I worried deeply about his salvation and if he would end up taking refuge in this girl and his own happiness than God which unfortunately was the case. I couldn’t be happy for him as long as that reality of him hiding behind this new life instead having true life existed. As the days counted down, something messed happened that led me to have to confront him. I didn’t know what to do or think. I had to really pray and ask for the Lord’s help as I was fearful that this being the last time we saw each other in awhile that it would end on a sour note. By God’s grace things turn out well and I told my brother goodbye as left for another country to pursue his dream. I can only pray that’s not the only thing he finds.

I had a horrible week of being in shame mode the week before the outreach. I didn’t feel afraid of going the outreach at all which freaked me out because that its super into the Lions den. The Lord given me supernatural courage that I didn’t have to go forth for this one but did feel unprepared spiritually. Almost like satan was trying to get me to quit via purity cuz it was the only way to counter Christ. So while I didn’t feel fear I did feel unworthy to be used or allow myself to be used. Not only did my purity take a nose dive but I wrestled with weight loss and the whole. Towards the end of work one day, the spirit really started gripping me. I can tell its because my thoughts were going astray into immoral things as my flesh was getting antsy. As I went home, the spirit was tearing my body up in its grip. I could feel God trying to get me stop and call on him for help to overcome temptation. I had never felt it so strongly pertaining to purity and my body was literally aching from the spirits grip. It’s the kind of hold that I always desired to have for any sin that I was closing in on to stop me in my tracks. Sure enough, I didn’t pray though. Getting home, I tried to sleep but the spirit kept jackin me up because my thoughts were still trying to tempt me. There was a blatant war going on in my body. It was incredible that God was interceding and fighting my body like he was. After awhile, the unthinkable happened, I failed. In all God did to stop me, I still failed EPICLY. I was broken in half more then I had been in a long time. I had no choice but to hit the floor face down in submission to Gods mercy. There was no shame mode to be had, I needed him then and now for the screw up I made. I cried out to the Lord in my brokenness. Afterwards, I sang to him in worship. As I worshipped God, I realized, I wouldn’t have took the time I was now to do this unless I was broken like I was. My eyes were opened to the fact that I wasn’t spending time with him like I could in prayer and even worship. I needed to be able to stop and sing praises to him in my day. He wanted me to spend time with him and I didn’t. It took me messing up to bring me before him like he wanted me. I was ashamed that it was required when I should have been naturally there. I see a need to change more and hit a new layer of depth in our relationship.

The big day had finally come as far as the Muslim outreach. Went with one of my new lady friends to go aid in the missionary effort. It was a ragtag bunch of random Christians from the burbs and the ghetto. Meeting up at a local church before leaving to the actually park which ended up being more than an hour away we got a quick crash course on witnessing to Muslims. I must say, what that guy laid out in an hour blew away everything I heard from that guy on my retreat. Lol.  I was kinda glad that there were few people when we got there. The reason being is with the amount of time it took to get there and actually start witness was like a 4 hour gap. By time we actually got on the street after the ride and the sermon and whatnot, we were already stupid tired. It almost didn’t seem like there was a point to have people from so far away come out to do what katz from that place already could have done and in better timing. We were needed tho as most from the church who suggested it weren’t even there but mostly katz from abroad.   I paired up with a group of ladies of which the took it upon themselves to deem me leader. Great. lol. I had some tough interactions at the festival. They really seemed to have a issue with the trinity, God’s love, God becoming a man to take on the sins of man, and the holy spirit. In one interaction I was caught in a 3 on 1 smackdown with no help from my gawking team members. They prayed at least. Later I was fortunate enough to halfway be threaten by a Miltant Black muslim who felt I should hate him because he hated me for being Christian. I tried to be respectful by letting them talk but when I tried to talk they cut me off. I see that in the future I have to control the convo so I can get in what needs to be said as opposed to being rail roaded. At the end day, I believe God moved. He had have with all the prayer that was put in toward this movement and even in the courage he gave me. Once again, I saw that if I could do this, I could front if the Lord opened ops in more dangerous territory or less.

Apart from the actual witnessing, something that really impacted me was the other urban missionaries I met there. Their walk really challenged me as they were from a urban environment and were going hard for the Lord. Its not like I haven’t met other Christians locally that were going harder then me in evangelism its just that now I met some with my own background. It changed things. I really felt out of my league. Almost like I was a big fish who wasn’t in a small pond anymore but with other biggems.  Funny thing is, at the same time, even though I didn’t feel as up to snuff as them, I still felt like I had something they might not have. Like I could still minister to them or sow into their life in some way. If anything it showed I had a long long way to go and way more I could change. Being in the hood environment also reminded me of my home. Reminded me of how I got so anti-social. To survive, I had to stay out of trouble and you did that by minding your own business. Sticking to yourself. Putting your head down and walking straight ahead and if you made eye contact give them the head nod. It was the only way to get by less you got into the mess. I had so trained myself and grown accustom to that way of living and its taken so long to break free of it.

I am challenged in light of the mature women of God I have recently met. Their level of Godliness has convicted me and made me question whether I can lead them. Being that they already have a set direction or destination in their walk that they are passionate about, even though they are beautiful and their Godliness is on point, I cant holla. I don’t have a preset destination position locked down and I cant be led by theirs nor can I ask them to follow my lead if I don’t even know where I am going. It’s a new layer of discernment concerning women that is pretty crazy. I wonder if I will have to settle for a Christian woman who is less mature in her faith that I she might be in alignment with me. I don’t know. Talking to the new girl I met, she question and challenged me to think about where God maybe had called me. Thinking about more about where God has called me to reach I see that it truly is the burbs. It sounds not as impressive as a foreign country or the ghetto. It might even sound like a cop out to be in the nice and safe place to minister. In truth its not the case. I didn’t like the suburbs so it was no getaway for me. While others saw, goody good I could see the evil in this place. So many people are blinded to the fact that people here are dying just with a smile on their face. They think just because the suburbanites are better off material wise than other downtrodden places that they don’t need the Gospel in truth they might need it the most. She really made me think and just seemed not only know a lot but have a real interest in me. In the spur of the moment, I just went for it and asked her out… and she said yes. I was actually shocked that I was even able to go on the date but it turned out ok. I don’t have extremely high hopes but you never know.

I had really gotten come to a place were I felt God had placed me into truly new territory. Everything is seeming to have a new layer of depth. Like I was swimming into the deeper portions of the pool, spiritually and otherwise. I had finally come to a place to where I wanted to commit a fulltime position at my job. Figure out a way I would be able to work there full and maintain my spiritual ops outside of work. My heart was changing on this and other things. The Lord is moving in my life to change things up for sure. I realize that it is the middle of the year and I’m getting the feeling maybe I can start putting in work at church. Its been a long time coming but I am glad I can start building. I mean I already have.